I think all adoptees experience moments like that where they feel that the steady carpet they're building to be able to stand on is ripped out from under them with one comment. We're either so dumbfounded that we can't think of anything to say back (even though we know we're right) or we're so worried about being rejected, we swallow what we want to say to avoid confrontation.
It's also furthermore bothersome when people say things as though something must have been wrong with us or our parents for us to feel loss and that they have or will manage their adoptions in such a superior way that their adoptees won't be like us. What an expectation to place on an adoptee that they will be expected to be issue-free. How invalidating to an adoptee who is trying to share their feelings.
My Game Plan?
There are some things I've decided I will start saying when this happens:
"Not every adoptee speaks of loss but there are many reasons why they wouldn't. It's a deep and lengthy discussion that might be better understood if you read a book or two from leading experts in adoption. I would be glad to lend some to you."
Then think to myself:
This person isn't adopted, they haven't lived adopted, and how close might they be to other adopted people to really be told the deep feelings of that person's heart. Just because some adoptees do not voice loss does not mean that those of us who do are wrong. No one can make generalizations about absolutely everyone, but research says that my feelings are not something I'm fabricating and I can't help it if others feel that way about me.
Kinds of Adoptees, Kinds of People
There are all different kinds of adoptees just like there are all different kinds of people. In a Family Systems class I took, we discussed the following "selves" (see the list below) that can emerge once we exit adolescence if we were missing things while we were growing up. The conversation was not about adoption, but as an adopted person, I could not help to think if these "selves" also had an adopted form. Not every adopted person had a nice nurturing experience with their Adoptive Parents--some were abused and neglected which adds a double-whammy. Yet, even for those who had a near-perfect nurturing experience, we are still missing things that cannot be replaced by wonderful Adoptive Parents and perfect nurturing. I don't need to list what's missing, those who are impacted by adoption can easily points out what makes being adopted different than being biologically-raised.
Here are the "selves" my professor discussed:
"The Lost Self": the experience of repressing aspects of yourself.
"The Forbidden Self" (forbidden feelings): the experience of having others define what you should feel.Do you have any of these "selves?"
"The Repressed Self" (repression): the experience of having others define what you should think.
"The False Self": creating a facade to fill a void or lack of nurturing.
"The Disowned Self": denying what one truly feels or who they know they are.
At Any Rate..
There are adoptees who appear to be remarkably issue-free. Perhaps they are! But there are all kinds of people and therefore, all kinds of adoptees. We don't know why some people say things or don't say things. We only know that research says there are valid reasons to feel and express loss. It's unfair to compare one adoptee to another in order to shut one down. No one should tell a person who is living adoption how to feel about adoption.
"No amount of reassuring can diminish what adopted persons perceive as a stunning difference [between themselves and their Adoptive Family members]." -Dr. Marshall D. Schechter.
Photo credit: djcodrin
No-one goes through the loss of the attachment to a mother without trauma, but no-one.Anyone who says they didn't has buried it so deeply, has hidden it in the lack of words babies have and doesn't wish to or can't recontact it.Why would they? it's painful, difficult and others don't believe us.Not much incentive except the completion of our selves.We can't be whole
ReplyDeleteutil we acknowledge and accept all parts of our selves.
Others who have not experienced it will never fully understand although some are good at empathising and can walk in our shoes.Some have so much invested in the cult of adoption and a brainwashed, no point in wasting effort on them.
It goes to show you need to choose your audience wisely and be careful who you share with and what.
Wow! This is an amazing post and I loved reading it. Not matter who you are and what you are feeling NO ONE should tell you that your own feelings aren't valid.
ReplyDeleteThat would make no more sense than telling a child who was victim to their parents divorce that they should not be sad because they don't live with both of their parents anymore. Can you imagine someone saying that to a child who is expressing their sadness? To have someone tell you "well there must be something wrong with you because other kids with divorced parents aren't sad"! That's absurd! Everyone has a right to their own feelings.
"No-one goes through the loss of the attachment to a mother without trauma, but no-one.Anyone who says they didn't has buried it so deeply, has hidden it in the lack of words babies have and doesn't wish to or can't recontact it."
ReplyDeleteIt's beyond me how people who feel dismissed can be so dismissive of others. Can't anyone else see how hypocritical that is?
Amanda, you say "There are adoptees who appear to be remarkably issue-free. Perhaps they are!"
Although I appreciate the fact you acknowledge those of us that are issue-free, as you put it, is it really necessary to add the "perhaps they are"? What if I were to say some adoptees appear to have issues as a result of being adopted and add, perhaps they do? You'd be insulted or feel dismissed because there is no perhaps. It is fact.
Considering the evidence of how infants experience seperation, I dont' feel it is dismissive to say it is stressful on all infants. Just because an Adult Adoptee does not feel that they have issues does not mean tha the seperation they experienced in infancy was not stressful.
ReplyDeleteI choose the same wordings many professionals do Campell, they "appear" issue-free--because how does one truly know? I spent many years feeling that not only was I completely issue-free, but that adoption had made me healthier and better than the general population. I won't assume that anyone on this planet is issue free because there's certainly no shortage of problems we all experience that can cause issues within ourselves.
So I take that to mean that because you felt as if you were free of adoption related issues and then found that you weren't, that's evidence that nobody can ever truly know their own mind or experience?
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't matter really anyway. I was just curious if you were able to understand my point of view, how it seems hypocritical to me.
Thanks for responding.
"So I take that to mean that because you felt as if you were free of adoption related issues and then found that you weren't, that's evidence that nobody can ever truly know their own mind or experience?"
ReplyDeleteThat does seem to be what research suggests, doesn't it...
No Campbell, not at all :-) It is my experience as someone who thought I was perfectly fine (or rather, had no clue some of the issues I did have could be from adoption-related things) and finding out I needed more healing than I thought, that causes me to always have in the back of my mind that issues could be lurking—perhaps a person isn’t aware of them.
ReplyDeleteAnd the root of that thought is because I wonder how it’s possible that any person in the world, regardless of adoption or not, could be completely issue-free. We are products of nurture by imperfect people. We are products of nature by imperfect people. We ourselves are imperfect people who make imperfect choices and we're surrounded by a world with other imperfect people who sometimes do things that hurt us. All of these things, both the good and the bad, shape who we are. How do we know that we're "this way" and not "that way" because of an event in our lives or not? For some, it's easier to pinpoint than others.
Which brings me to wonder how an adopted person can ever truly know if challenges they've faced in life, quirks they have, fears they have, moments of sadness they have (or whatever else) couldn't possibly be from adoption issues. When one of our first experiences in life is a documentedly stressful one (being separated from a mother) and we haven't lived a day of our lives since without the unique context of life that adoption brings...how can anyone say for sure that X or X in their life, their personality, or their emotions couldn't possibly be from adoption?
And by "issues" I didn't just mean people with diagnosed Depression, Anxiety, OCD (etc). I'm also including people who have had adoption-related moments of sadness, moments of frustration, moments of yearning, moments of questioning, moments of confusion...so on and so forth.
My lack of inclusivity of adoptees who feel they do not have adoption-related issues is not to be dismissive, it is because I feel that these adoptees are already well-represented to the rest of the world (as represented as a very-ignored minority group that we are can be). They are the adoptees that everyone wants to hear from. They are the adoptees everyone hopes their kid turns out like. They are the ones the rest of us are compared to as the standard of what adoption should look like. When I was saying that everything was wonderful and being adopted was 100% great, my agency wanted to quote me, my church groups wanted me to speak about it and everyone patted me on the back. Only now that I am speaking out about issues am I being told from multiple areas in my life and community to be quiet. Unfortunately, I’ve received feedback from an incredible amount of adopted persons who feel that they have adoption related issues that this has been their experience too and that makes me sad. That’s part of the mission of my blog; to let those with issues be heard and become a normal part of adoption and not be known the weirdos who failed to adapt properly or whom everyone assumes had bad parents. It’s not to leave anyone else out, it’s to focus on the people who already are the most commonly left out :-)
I am an adoptee who didn't think she had issues with it.... until I was 49, then in a time of great stress and trauma from other events, I realized that my life had been in fact shaped by adoption. I remember the times I was uncomfortable and shut it down. The times I felt "less than" and related it to something else.
ReplyDeleteSo I always wonder. How old do you have to be before you can be sure of your feelings? 50? 70? I just know that my denial was so deep, I did not even know I had it.
I think only we can know our feelings. We must use "perhaps" when we speak about anyone other than ourselves. And things change within us, so our own feelings are mutable.
ReplyDeleteI always felt some underlying sense of discomfort with my adoption, even though my aparents are amazing and have loved me with all they've got for 41 years. I was told again and again by therapists that adoption could NOT be the source of my depression, anger, etc. It was a relief several years ago to find groups of people who felt the same way that I did.
Amanda, I was thinking about what you said in response to Campbell's assertion that we're hypocrites. I don't think what you said was hypocritical at all. You didn't deny her feelings, just said that you believe in the primal wound. She doesn't. I had contemplated answering the same way: adoptees who are happy and problem free (by their own assertion) are well accepted and listened to in society at large. I fully accept that adoptees who are happy really feel that way. We only know what others tell us about their feelings. No one should be denied the right to express their feelings (as long as these feelings don't endanger another human being).
Those of us who have had others invalidate our feelings have struggled against the dominant view that adoption does NO harm to us. While that may be true for some, it is not true for everyone. There will never be a blanket "right" answer for how adoption affects or does not affect people.
I really appreciated the discussion of selves, Amanda. I see myself in many of them.
I think that if we take the word “adoption” our of the sentence we will find that most, if not all, our feelings are exactly like those who are not adopted. What makes our feelings or their feelings stand out is that ours are related to origin loss – something that others who have not been denied the comfort (or discomfort) of knowing or interacting with their family of origin – whether it be a divorced parent or an estranged relative.
ReplyDeleteAs a child we innocently voice our feelings and we learn what is good and not so good to express. Sadly, many adoptees and natural Mothers take these “lessons” to heart and never gain or re-gain their self-esteem. We all have a right to our feelings, and none of us has the right to negate or minimalize another’s feelings. You can see the difference in how people react to ideas they aren’t in agreement with or are uncomfortable with – one person may say, “You are wrong!” while the other says, “Why do you feel that way?”
When I read your words, “… we swallow what we want to say to avoid confrontation,” I thought – why are we able to see and say this while others expect it of us?? hell, why do we do it – why do we accept the expectations of others as if it were our duty to fulfill them? I think it’s because the (adoption) Industry has sold all of us this happy horse poop about “the happy ‘designed’ or ‘fabricated’ family” where the adopted child will never want more that what it has because it will be so grateful. Yes, “grateful”… that is the word that anyone who has voiced their feelings has heard – we are not ‘grateful’, we are ‘ungrateful’ and (as I was told) disloyal. None of which is true… we are not disloyal or ungrateful. We were children who grew up without the one thing that seemed most important to everyone else – someone who looked like us, sounded like us… someone that we were part of.
Even though some of us appear “issue free” it’s been a long process, because at one point or another we have all been issue “ridden”. I attended a seminar on open adoption three years back. There was a young man there (from a closed adoption) who said that he had never been interested in finding out about his birth family or his mother. I asked if that was true even now that he and his wife were expecting their first child… he said yes. His eyes said, “I’m not interested, they/she doesn’t matter, I don’t care… I don’t, I don’t, I don’t,” and I recognized the look because at a point I said the same thing.
Today I am almost totally “issue free” except for the issue of being denied my rights as a human being because I was raised by adoptive parents.
hugz and Blessings!