A Talk: Emerging from my Mask

My [Adoptive] Parents are here visiting. I was logged on to my mom's Facebook account and was showing her how some of the features worked. While I was in her feed settings, I noticed that she had me hidden from her live feed and I asked her why. She responded that she didn't know hitting the "hide" button would keep me hidden forever; she thought it would make the one thing she was looking at go away. So I "unhid" myself and asked her what it was that I had posted that bothered her (I could already figure what it was). She does not feel comfortable with some of the things that I post that could be construed as "anti-adoption." She felt that because I dislike adoption and have problems with various things, that it was because of something that she did wrong. This was as good a time as any to explain some things to her.

The Trauma
I fumbled for a comparison to be able to explain infant separation and living in the context of loss to her. I reminded her of when she was a teenager and had a horse. Her horse's hoof got caught on a wire fence that was lying on the ground that she didn't know was there, and fell. When she fell, she broke her rib. Her horse waited for her to get up before rolling over and standing up itself. The horse knew it couldn't roll over until she got up because it would crush her.

So then I asked her to think back on how that experience made her feel. How did she feel when she went to ride her horse again? Didn't she remember that experience every time she rode after that? Didn't the experience make her look at the ground more carefully when she rode, wasn't it always in the back of her mind when issues arise that call for her to be more cautious?

Furthermore, I asked her to ponder how she would feel if someone said to her:

"it is silly for you to be impacted by such an event because you know it was an accident. Your horse didn't mean to fall. In fact, you should be grateful that your horse fell and you broke your rib because most people can't even afford a horse. In fact, I wish I could fall off a horse and break my rib! I have a cousin who fell off of his horse and he seems fine with it, what's your problem? You just must not be intelligent enough to reason yourself out of having issues or are just using it to seek attention. Maybe your parents weren't attentive enough while you were healing from your injury because anyone with good parents wouldn't be impacted by this. If you keep whining about it, you'll hurt their feelings."

I then asked her to remember when my son was born and how closeness after birth was emphasized and how we learned that it regulated everything such as heart rate, calmness, blood sugar and body temperature in the baby and stimulated the healing process in the mother.

I asked her "don't you think my son knew from the moment he was born who his mother was? Do you think he was confused and could have switched any person, a nurse, a doctor...anyone else who held him for his mother?

She said:

"He knew you were his mother. Babies memorize heartbeats and they know the familiarity of the mother who carried them."

I explained to her the Ericksonian "Trust vs. Mistrust" phase from ages 0-1. I asked:

"When an infant is asking for that familiarity in a strange new world and it is not there, do you think that helps establish trust? Don't you think that causes stress? Don't you think that might impact them in some way?"

She agreed that it probably would.

"Acknowledging that," I told her, "is Family Preservation." It's not "anti-adoption" or hatred towards Adoptive Parents to say that infants should only have to go through that when a loss is absolutely necessary. And furthermore, it's not hatred towards Adoptive Parents to say that an infant who goes through that might have special needs or that an adopted person has a right to feel loss."

She agreed. She said she had a better understanding now.

I did add that there are Prospective Adoptive Parents out there and agency practices where PAPs are too involved with the decision-making process which I absolutely disagree with. When a mother makes a decision to surrender a child because Adoptive Parents urged her to or she felt obligated to and it wasn't actually something she wanted, that's wrong, and that's something they're going to have to find a way to explain to the adoptee.

She agreed that it was wrong.

The Social Loss
"That is just the physical aspect of initial loss," I told her. "Many adoptees do not have cognitive labels to tell people they may have emotions resulting from that loss." I then explained to her about the continued social context of loss. We are told to "get over it," but that is absurd. Adoption is not just one event in your life; it is a new path of life. An adopted life is a life you live every day. The correct response is not to tell us to be quiet but to tell the non-adopted world what we need and then proceed to find reality and positivity with that portion of our identity. The social context of loss we live is the things we miss out on every day, especially those of us from the closed era. Family conversations about who got grandma's shiny hair or grandpa's big nose are not for us. We have no opportunity to puff up with pride when we pass a flag a fellow American is displaying from their land of heritage or when visiting a festival of sorts to say "these are my people, this is where I've come from." We're the butt of jokes in media, the source of drama for sitcoms, and our stereotypes are exploited in movies for a thrill. We leave family medical history forms blank. We see drug commercials and PSAs that tell us about warning signs for inherited illness and we shirk off the worry. I do not go out one day of my life without hearing fellow passersby mentioning something relating to heritage: "that's the Irish in me," "well, you know, my mother was Italian!" so on and so forth. The embrace of Nature and Nurture are so ingrained in every aspect of day society yet we experience it so differently and are expected for it not to matter. If we want nature, heritage and relationships with our original families, WE have failed. WE did not adapt. WE did not assimilate. WE are flawed.....or our parents must have been inadequate. Pick one; I have heard them all.

The Silence
She felt upset that I never told her that I felt that way and that's why she felt like a bad parent. She thought I was just like every other kid. She wished there could have been more support and more education but Bethany never offered us any. I was presented as almost a Tabula Rasa.

I never told her for four reasons (1) I had few cognitive labels for the emotions I experienced. (2) I was afraid of hurting feelings. (3) I grew up in a Christian community that claimed to know a lot more about adoption than me. "We're all adopted!" and "adoptees were saved from abortion!" and "adoptees should be grateful!" Yet I was the only one who had experienced adoption. How would I speak out and correct someone or say a different point of view when I knew there would be no support for it. I felt like I was the one who was wrong. Turns out, people probably should have been asking me, not telling me. And (4) again, I was the only one I knew of who was adopted in my area. I never had an opportunity to know if my thoughts and feelings on adoption were "ok" because I never met anyone before that felt like I did.

So then I asked her how she thinks we feel when people say:

"it is silly for you to be impacted by such an event because you know you were given up and adopted in love. No one involved in your adoption had any bad intentions. In fact, you should be grateful that you were adopted because you probably got to have nicer things than those who are biologically-raised. In fact, I wish I was adopted! I have a cousin who is adopted and he seems fine with it, what's your problem? You just must not be intelligent enough to reason yourself out of having issues or are just using it to seek attention. Maybe your parents weren't attentive enough while you were growing up because anyone with good parents wouldn't be impacted by this. If you keep whining about it, you'll just hurt their feelings."

She agreed that these common statements above are riddled with unempathetic assumptions and stereotypes. She understands why we would view such comments as belittling and ridiculous. We have every right to feel how we want about adoption or being adopted as the people who have lived it.

Now, obviously the traumas of adoption and falling while horse riding are not the same and I am absolutely not intending to compare a First Mother to a horse. I was thinking on my feet, trying to find some way she would understand how I perceive my adoptedness and the rest of the world through my adopted lens. So please, forgive me for my fumblings.

Closing Thoughts
Talking about loss is not a weapon to be slung at First Mothers or Adoptive Parents. Parents who love their children do the best that they can with the information that they have. This is why it is good that both parties have good, updated, unbiased, empirical, reliable information to make absolutely informed decisions. I don't believe that this happens or has ever really happened in modern-adoption practice, at least not in the U.S. My feelings of loss are not something I feel are the fault of my First Mother and she understands that. My social context of loss is not the fault of my Adoptive Parents. There are ways that adoption can be improved and talking about my loss is vital to improving adoption for the next generation of adoptees who will walk in my shoes. Shouldn't we take every opportunity to make adoption better for mothers, families, and children? Isn't adoption supposed to be about the children anyway?

It was a really big deal for me to gather the courage for me to have this kind of conversation with my [Adoptive] Mother and an even bigger deal that she handled it so well. I feel a relief. I'm not trying to falsely empathize with the struggles of the LGBTQ community who also live in a world where few people understand--but I almost wonder if removing my mask and starting to be an adoptee who is more open about adoptedness despite the social backlash is a fraction of what it's like to come "out of the closet?"

"Adult adoptees are a primary source for knowledge about adoption as an institution. Their perceptions are unique, for adult adoptees are actually the only persons who can tell us what it is like to live adoption in a society in which most people are not adopted." -- R. Smith, Child Welfare League of Ameria

Photo Credit: djcodrin