When I Will "Get Over It"

Unfortunately, it is more frequent than not that adoptees who talk about adoption are asked when they are just going to "get over it."  Fair enough; here are the conditions upon which I will "get over" being adopted.

1. When every truly needy child has a home and children who already have homes are helped to stay with their parents.
2. When hunger ends.
3. When women and their children are treated fairly and equally around the world.
4. When coercion does not exist.
5. When the poor have equal rights.
6. When my First Mother heals from the grief that living without me has caused her.
7. When my Adoptive Mother heals from things adoption-related that no one ever bothered to help her with.
8. When adoptees are asked their opinions and it makes a difference in legislation and adoption practice.
9. When adoption is strictly and federally regulated.
10. When adoption is simplified.
11. When adoption stops amending and sealing the identities of children.
12. When adoption releases the identities that belong to Adult Adoptees to the Adult Adoptees.
13. When CPC clinics stop lying to pregnant women.
14. When profit is removed from adoption.
15. When "anonymity" is removed from any institution that helps create children.
16. When the U.S. ratifies the UN's "Rights of the Child."
17. When adoption and abortion are no longer slapped together.
18. When adoption and infertility are no longer slapped together.
19. When the United States issues an official apology for the BSE (or EMS) and makes a memorial to the lost mothers and infants.
20. When all adoptees are acknowledged (step-parent, international, foster, etc.) instead of blanket-statements made about all.
21. When open adoption can't be promised unless it is legally enforced.
22. When countries around the world stop using orphanages to manage dependency.
23. When all adoption stereotypes become unacceptable.
24. When every mother is permitted to hold her own adoption record in her hands.
25. When my adoption agency apologizes first to my First Mother and then to my parents for how they were treated.
26. When I find a magic wand to heal the hearts of every adoptee whom I've held in my arms because nothing makes their pain go away.
27. When the infant experience of surrender is acknowledged in adoption practice.
28. When every adoptee knows information about themselves that will allow them to embrace every part of everyday-life just like the non-adopted do.
29. When the only labels for mothers and fathers are "mother" and "father."
30. When the media no longer makes fun of us, exploits our stories, or defames foster children for profit.
31. When adequate sex education is provided in schools.
32. When birth control is free and women's health care affordable and accessible to all.
33. When homes are sought out for children in need, rather than children sought out for prospective parents, in 100% of adoption.
34. When adoptees are not forced into counseling, slapped with state-mandated restraining orders, or subjected to information erasures just to see their birth certificate.
35. When adoption is not a subject to be shoved in the closet but something people feel they can openly enter into dialogue about.
36. When everyone in adoption understands how the other individuals involved in adoption feel and why.
37. When Father's Rights and Extended Family Rights actually exist.
38. When adequate and accurate information about adoption is acknowledged and widespread.
39. When not one more person's life is at risk because of lack of access to genetic information.
40. When not one more parent and child are unnecessarily separated.
41. When religion and special-interest groups get out of my voting booth.
42. When corruption ends.
43. When racial equality has been achieved in society.
44. When gender equality has been achieved in society.
45. When everyone knows their date, country, state, and place of birth.

What people who haven't walked one step in our shoes don't understand is that adoption is not one event that you "get over."  It is a life that you live.  It is not about wallowing in your own misfortunes or "horrible lives" (you will never once hear me say my life is horrible) but the realization that you are a part of something so huge, so much bigger than yourself, that you can call attention to to make things better for others.  Sometimes that means sharing our personal feelings or stories.  Other times it means calling attention and speaking out about larger issues.

When everything that is wrong in adoption is fixed, every heart is healed, every belly full of food, and every tear is dried, I will "get over" being adopted.

Fair enough?

"Never depend upon institutions or government to solve any problem. All social movements are founded by, guided by, motivated and seen through by the passion of individuals. " — Margaret Mead

Photo credit:  Jennifer Renee