We watched examples of concepts we were learning that seemed to be well-portrayed in popular movies. One such example was the movie "Riding in Cars with Boys," starring Drew Barrymore. Drew's character became pregnant after a one-night-stand with a teenage boy she barely knew. An unmarried teen herself, Drew develops a plan on making a journalism career for herself while raising her child as a single mother. Drew breaks the news to her parents, whom I would say were "old fashioned" but I believe the scene was set in the 50's so their reaction probably coincided with the sentiments of the time. Drew's father exploded into tears and claimed that she had ruined his life. Her mother, who was obviously more than capable to handle this rationally, threw all reason out of the window, rushed to her husband's side and demanded that Drew "fix" him. "It's OK daddy." She said. "We'll get married, we're in love." After being humiliated by her father on her wedding day, Drew lived the next several years raising her son in a home with a dead-beat, drug-addicted man who constantly spent all of their savings.
All of this was simply to manage the emotions of her father whom she could not bear the thought of disappointing.
I thought of all the ways this could apply to adoption. Adoptive Parents not being open with an adoptee to manage the adoptee's emotions. An adoptee not being open with others or their parents to manage their emotions. A First Mother who has been found not being able to embrace reunion (or keeping the adoptee a secret) to manage the emotions of other family members. An adoptee who has been found not wanting to reunite for fear of hurting their Adoptive Parents.
There are several ways more I'm sure the concept could be applied. There are, of course, multiple other reasons why someone wouldn't share something or wouldn't want to reunite as well. But sometimes I wonder if, for instance, some of the First Moms or adoptees who have "found" and been rejected really are loved and wanted, their loved ones might be too scared to reach out because of what might change in their lives or what backlash they may receive from others.
It might even be a false perception of what backlash from others lies ahead that keeps me from forging forward with something I want or need to do. I put off search and reunion for years because of the emotions I thought my [Adoptive] Parents would have about it and I therefore spent years trying to manage emotions that did not exist. It's true that my [Adoptive] Mom didn't understand all of the reasons why I wanted to reunite and yes, she did have some misconceptions and insecurities about it. However, they always knew that one day my quest for reunion would come and none of the things I catastrophized about, like my mom hanging up the phone never to speak to me again, ever came to fruition.
Someone once pointed out that sometimes when people are rejected, they're rejected and giving them false hope can be like rubbing a wound with sandpaper. My intention is not to give anyone false hope or to tell anyone how to feel. I am pondering for myself on my own Natural, Paternal brother who at this time wants nothing to do with me. He wasn't mean to me or anything and I respect his wishes. Sometimes when I am rejected, I think about what I could have done better or what I must have done wrong. But realizing that there are other factors involved helps me know that it doesn't have to be my fault. Me being in his life may be too awkward, it may bring about changes he doesn't want, or who knows what else he may worry about. In my email letting him know I was respecting his wishes, I extended the offer for my Family Medical History if he wanted it and for him to contact me any time he wanted to and I would always be open to him. I have not contacted him since.
I think one of the most liberating points in my life was to be told by people whose emotions I thought I was managing by putting my own feelings aside, that they would not be hurt if I pursued something important to me. It was liberating to be told by my First Mom that I did not have to censor my feelings or my blog for fear she would take it the wrong way, because she trusts that when I'm saying something, it's not because I am mad at her (because I'm not). It was liberating when I started explaining certain Adoption Reform concepts and adoptee feelings to my Adoptive Mom so that when she understood what I was saying, I could speak more openly without having to worry about her becoming upset.
So I wonder, who is out there trying to manage my emotions and what can I do to let other people know that I don't expect them to stifle their feelings just to avoid how they think I am going to react? My food for thought.
Related Posts:
The Family Ledger and the Distant Reunionee
Adoptee Bad Habits: Family Hierarchy
Photo credit: m_bartosch
