But You Don't Know What It's Like!

I have lost count of how many times I have read or heard this response and I think it is finally time to address it on my blog.  I have talked about infertility before, but I want to specifically address the same comment I've seen people make in response to those who have either taken offense at something someone has said or who get angry about those who promote Family Preservation.

"You just don't know what it's like to have fertility problems and pregnancy loss!"

The concept behind that, I guess, is that if people who believe in adoption as a last resort must only do so because they can birth children on their own and don't need adoption as a means of parenting.  If we had fertility problems, we'd understand and have totally different views.  When someone makes a comment another person takes offense to, it's not because we've lived adoption for decades and have a reason to be offended because you've said or written something marginalizing, it must be because we've never had fertility problems or experienced miscarriage.

The "you don't know what it's like" statement also to me sounds a whole lot like someone saying that they have a license to be offensive or to behave towards adoption in a way that is not ethical because of their own personal pain.  Children should not be spoken about as though they are a supply for people who want them.  Can no one imagine how Adult Adoptees who were once adopted children might feel when spoken about as a "supply" or an ailment to someone else's pain?

What people do not understand is that adoptees experience life just like everyone else.  There is this idea out there that adoption is the only event in our lives and then the rest is just smooth and perfect sailing from there.

Wrong.

Adoptees not only experience adopted lives, they experience the life everyone else does too.  We grow up and have the same falls, bumps, and scrapes.  Being adopted does not make someone impervious to fertility problems and pregnancy loss.  There are Adult Adoptees who have themselves experienced infertility and pregnancy loss.  There are also Adult Adoptees who have adopted.  Being adopted also does not make you impervious to experiencing an unplanned pregnancy as a young person and be faced with tough decisions.  There are Adult Adoptees who were pregnant as teens who parented their children as single mothers as well as Adult Adoptees who surrendering to adoption or had abortions as well.  We live on the same planet that everyone else does, we "get" how crappy life can be.  We are not just "adopted," we are mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, neighbors, single parents, married parents, both fertile and infertile, and we come from all walks of life.

We do "get" it.

But no one but an adopted person has walked in an adopted person's shoes.  If you offend an adoptee, instead of assuming something is wrong with them, why not just ask them why they are offended.  It's a good rule of thumb when dealing with any sensitive issue or when talking about an issue that someone lives every day of their life and you don't.  I'm writing from the adoptee perspective about it because I'm adopted and my blog is geared towards anyone impacted by adoption, especially other adoptees.  Many of us have lived adoption for decades.  It's an attribute just like race, gender, religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation, so on and so forth.  A good rule of thumb is, if you wouldn't say it about race/gender/religion etc. you shouldn't say it about adoption or an adoptee either.

Bottom line?  If I had fertility problems and had experienced miscarriage would I then stop advocating for the rights of children to stay with their original families and be adopted in an ethical manner out of empathy for the couples who badly want to become parents?  No.  I have had fertility problems and have lost a pregnancy and I still think that adoption should be about the rights and welfare of children; period.

 

Photo credit:  m_bartosch