The notion that "not talking about it" means a person has not thought about it or experience difficulty, or that their silence means that there is no different experience or difficulty for anyone, is absurd. Sometimes, complete strangers will ask us personal questions; sometimes, we don't want to answer them. Sometimes, we sense someone will not be empathetic and don't feel like dealing with the stereotypes and assumptions, and thus avoid the discussion. I once had someone find out I was adopted and pat me, a grown woman, on my hand and tell me "awww that's so cute." No, that doesn't encourage the flood gates of information sharing to open either, believe it or not. There can be any number of reasons why someone does not talk about being adopted. It doesn't mean that they must therefore have no thoughts or opinions on it.
It reminds me a lot of the "colorblind" concept of race/ethnicity where people "overlook" or "ignore" another person's racial/ethnic differences. This concept bugs me. Foremost, there is nothing wrong with what makes a person different from ourselves, why are we then happy to be "blind" to it? Everyone has different and beautiful qualities; there is no sense in being happy to be "blind" to it. Individuals of racial and ethnic minority groups in the U.S. also have and do experience hardship because of their race/ethnicity. Racism, institutionalized discrimination, and discrimination in-general are huge problems. While one is busy being "blind" to race/ethnicity, can they really listen to a person talk about the struggles that they face and become an advocate and ally?
If being silent about one's thoughts and experiences as an adoptee is what others appreciate in an adoptee, is this just another area that society is happy to be "blind" to differences rather than being eager to listen to them, be educated about them, and offer to help? Being able to ignore a difference is an element of privilege. It is easy to ignore an issue, difference, or problem that you don't encounter or experience, or, I suppose, likewise be appreciative when others don't mention those things either. I think it's time to review whether or not appreciating silence or ignoring differences, of any kind, are really getting us any where.
"Man seems to insist on ignoring the lessons available from history." --Norman Borlaug
What I've learned in my 41 years of being an adoptee is that the human population is generally callous and uncaring and don't give a damn about an issue unless it directly affects them.
ReplyDeleteSince 2% of the United States citizens are adopted, we are a tiny voice among a sea of people who see us as insignificant. Our politicians don't fear 2% of the population will affect their elections. Our school systems don't care that 2% of the children are discriminated against with genealogy and family tree assignments. We are expected to be grateful to be accepted into the masses of callousness? No thank you.
Amanda this is so well written. I wish EVERYONE who knows someone who is adopted would read it.
ReplyDelete"Sometimes, we sense someone will not be empathetic..."
ReplyDeleteThis is the key. The individual who feels qualified to invalidate someone's feelings by throwing up the vague reference to another person who handled the situation differently (and the underlying point being, superiorly) is an individual who I would never talk to about my adoption feelings in the first place. I would cringe if I knew that my silence around a judgmental and shallow individual would be used by that individual to shame a fellow adoptee.
Very well written. I hear things about kind of similar with being a birth parent. People seem to think the ones that are quiet about it must be okay with adoption loss and such and I should learn from them what they are doing but it's hard because they are not talking.
ReplyDeleteAmanda,
ReplyDeleteSince I am not an adoptee I can not say personally how it affects me. I am going to compare being adopted to what I can relate to. I know this is not the same at all but it is what I know. I was molested as a child. I do not talk about it, in fact people that have known me for 18 years still don't know about it. The people that do know about it I do not discuss the facts with them. I am silent on the subject. Doe that mean I am okay with it? Does that mean I am grateful for it? NO on both accounts but it is easier to deal with it by not talking about it. Yes I have gone to counseling but to talk about it with most people is too painful. Even when my one sister discusses it I am uncomfortable at times. So I will allow her to talk about it but I try not to say too much. I don't want people to see me as a victim. I would rather them see me as strong and capable. Like I said I know it is not the same as being adopted but it is similar on the way that it is better not to discuss it then bring the feelings to the surface. As in adoption it is also something done to you without your consent or input.
Jeannette
Thank you for not being silent! I hear this a lot as an amom when first families come up and I mention that Violet misses Ethiopia. This really bothers people, even those who know that she came to the US as an almost 8 year old. Would they really expect her to walk away and not miss it or her family? Adoption is a frequent topic of discussion in our home as are both Guatemala and Ethiopia. Violet would be considered by anyone who met her as someone who is totally fine with being adopted and yet it weighs very heavily on her 10 year old soul. I'm excited to watch her grow because I don't think she'll be an easily silenced adoptee. She already is making plans to write a book to help school-aged adoptees navigate new families/lives.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jeannette, I was raped - I do not talk about it, not because I am ok with it, but quite the opposite. I find the things we don't talk about are the ones we have the hardest time reconciling in our own minds.
ReplyDeleteIronically, I had this very discussion with my 12 year old daughter today when she informed me that her best friend (a Chinese adoptee) is "totally fine with being adopted and doesn't know who her real parents are or it they are alive... But it doesn't bother her at all". When I asked how my daughter knew this she said "because she doesn't really talk about it." I understand how at 12 you might assume silence = "Totally OK". But what about us grown folks?
Totally agree.Trauma is trauma however we acquired it and many have difficulties or don't want to talk about trauma.Who can blame them?
ReplyDeleteI did not talk about my adoption for years. I did my search quietly and alone. I was very concerned about upsetting my a-parents, yes, but it did not stop me from searching and finding my identity and natural family eventually. Even today I do not speak of being adopted with my a-mom. She can't handle it and I respect that.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Amanda.
One of the most humbling and convicting moments of my life was when two of my cousins, both adopted from Korea, opened up to me about their thoughts and feelings as TRAs, but only after they heard some of my thoughts on the topic, when we were all adults. I wish I had known how they felt when we were all growing up. I wish I had understood more. I'm glad I do now, but it saddens me that they were afraid to voice these things to the family. And it saddens me even more because I understand why they felt they couldn't.
ReplyDelete"The notion that "not talking about it" means a person has not thought about it or experience difficulty, or that their silence means that there is no different experience or difficulty for anyone, is absurd"
ReplyDeleteI agree with this and, like you, also think it's applicable to more than adoption.
Silence is just that, and being so can mean many things although there is one certainty in it. It's certain we cannot know what a silent person thinks or feels and maybe for some, that's exactly the reason they are.
As some have mentioned previously I wish everyone(even those not related to adoption)would read this. In fact this could go for many other things, other than adoption. Just because I don't talk about it, doesn't mean I don't want too or it doesn't bother me.
ReplyDeleteI was very quiet about searching and reuniting with my birthfamily. I was just really quiet about being adopted or any of my feelings surrounding it. Partly because of fear of hurting my adoptive parents and partly because well it is hard to talk about because so many don't understand or think I am overreacting or that it is just me and not other adoptees too.
Great post!
I was silent for years. I did not speak about it because I could not fully comprehend my feelings on it. I have to be silent now because my ex husband uses it against me.
ReplyDeleteI hear the same thing, as a natural mother, and it is sometimes said with a defensive tone or one of the "shame on you" variety. How dare I suggest that I wasn't the heroine who bravely sent her offspring into the void of "a better life?" People not only make judgements by observing what isn't said. They also don't want to let go of their precious mythology.
ReplyDelete