Brainstorming, in no particular order, 10 reasons why Adult Adoptee narratives (and of course, other narratives too, but this is an Adult Adoptee blog) are more relevant than ever:
We know the history. People newer to adoption might not know why things are the way that they are in adoption and they won't if they don't listen to the history from people who have lived it. If one's idea of adoption history consists mainly of "well, Moses was adopted," they've missed quite a lot.
Our narratives refute the stereotypes. Look on any Op-Ed article, adoption article, or just about anything adoption-related where the general population can share their thoughts. Abortion, unwantedness, stigmas against young women, stigmas against adopted people, assumptions about adoption relationships, and "gratefulness," the list of misconceptions goes on. Stereotypes exist as popular portrayals of groups of people that lead others to believe they are based on fact. Who wants the next generation to have to grow up hearing these hurtful things we've had to hear? If an Adult Adoptee's story eliminates just one negative stereotype against adopted people everywhere.....wouldn't you want people to hear it?
The laws are the same. Many of adopton laws really aren't all that different than when we were born and surrendered. Some of them are worse. Going along with history, one can understand why things are the way that they are if they listen to the people who have lived it. For example in my birth state (TN), the sealed records law was enacted in the 1930s and was not "reformed" until almost seventy years later in 1999. Ten years later, now, after the law has been changed, it still carries much of the same stigmas from almost eighty years prior. It governs the records of adoptees being adopted today. Does that sound fair? It's very frustrating for someone to be told "adoption is different now" when a law that governs their access to their information and identity pre-adoption haven't changed since the 1930's (that's about 80 years, folks), and are still sealing adoptee records today, e.g the State of New York.
Many of the issues are exactly the same. The issues surrounding adoption are the same: why people adopt, and why people surrender children, these are things we grew up processing. Issues involving race, ethnicity, and difference: these are all things Adult Adoptees have lived and are able to provide insight on today.
Our voices have caused the openness in adoption. Professional literature frequently and consistently credits open adoption with the voices of First Mother and Adult Adoptee individuals and activist groups speaking out against not only sealed records, but the closed adoption system. The adoption with increasing openness as well as rights being returned to adopted people has occured because so many constellation members of adoptions of eras passed spoke out and said "this is not working!"
Like open adoption? Thank one of us "old guys."
We're still adopted. Adoption issues still impact adoptees past adulthood. We are still a part of the constellation; we still need the support of others. We still need people to be aware of issues impacting adults. Being adopted does not end when you turn 18.
Most states do not recognize or legally enforce openness in adoption. Not every adoption today is open or stays that way. Want openness in adoption to continue? The same people who have contributed to the openness movement are still out there talking and advocating for ethics: let them.
We are still the only ones who can tell someone what living an adopted life is like.
Because people are still speaking for us. Jean Patton noted in the 1950s, and later, Florence Fisher noted in the 1970's that a lot of people talk about adoption and a lot of people talk for adoptees, but no one asks adoptees directly to speak for themselves. This is still a problem now and I've talked about it on my blog several times before. Agencies, special interest groups, and more often than not, Adoptive Parents are asked to speak about adoption issues, even Adoptee Rights. Adult Adoptees and First Parents are rarely asked to talk about adoption. We're not going to be included, as we should be, unless people acknowledge the value in what we have to share and start including us.
Because people are still picking up the pieces. The First Nations adoptees are still impacted by the loss of their tribes and cultures. Adoptees everywhere are trying to find access to their roots, their cultures, and their heritages. Mothers everywhere are waiting for their sons and daughters to find them. Those involved in unethical adoptions are still here and still dealing with how it has affected their lives. U.S. born Adult Adoptees are the only citizens in the United States who do not have access to their factual birth documentation. These individuals and these issues are still a part of adoption; ignoring it doesn't make it cease to exist.
Whenever anyone tells me "oh, adoption is different now." I ask "how?" Because of openness? That's just one thing and openness doesn't make every element of each adoption radically different than closed adoptions--there are still many things that they share in common. "When did adoption become different?" I then ask. Gradually, over time, adoptions have become more open in practice because adoptees and mothers have spoken out. But what about the other policies, practices, and laws? When did the existance of unethical adoption cease completely? When, what date, what specific point in history, was an apology for unethical practices issued? When did adoption become completely federally regulated and an ethical plan made for the future to prevent the problems in the past that people claim "don't happen any more?"
The answer is simple........
Never.
So keep listening.
For anyone adopted (as I was) at birth: preverbally, before emotional formation; before attatchment formation; ripped from the system you were bonded to from conceoption - you're first and only job in life is by definition learning to express the inexpressible - it is our common bond - sperating us from all others - it is our Only Hope - Our Stories - Lifelong - The Truth always is in the story - not the teller of the tale - Thank you for what you do
ReplyDeleteAmanda you have such a brilliant way of pulling things together. Brilliant..
ReplyDeleteThanks guys :-)
ReplyDeleteIn working towards adoptee access, it is coming to light that even in open adoption, you are SO RIGHT that the laws have not changed and have actually allowed even more unethical adoption practices. For example, in OK the Health Dept. has confirmed that adoptive parents names are actually being put on the obc, even before an adoption is finalized and an amended bc is made. That is so discouraging.
ReplyDeleteThat's such a sad thing Peach. And you're right. Even openness in adoption brings a whole slew of new issues and problems that can be worked out partly by advocacy and by learning the history.
ReplyDeleteHow can we avoid repeating stuff if we've never learned where we went wrong in the first place?
Thanks for a great blog.
ReplyDeleteWho was it that said if we don't
understand history, we are doomed to repeat it.
I wonder, sometimes, if so many adoptees are silent because no one has bothered to ask them anything, or is it because they CHOSE to be silent.
Anita
Thanks for your incredibly thoughtful and compelling post. I recently found (and joined) an organization called Both Ends Burning that you might be interested in - it's focus is international adoption, but works for ethical adoptions. (It's at http://bothendsburning.org/). I'm an adoptive mother - really appreciate your blog. I've written a memoir about adopting my daughter in which I address ethics, adoption critics, and more.
ReplyDeleteAll best,
Jennifer Grant
loveyoumorebook.com
Thanks Jennifer and Anita :-)
ReplyDeleteAnita, I was re-reading part of a BJ Lifton book yesterday and a quote in relation to this topic caught my eye "when someone asks an adoptee a question, they've learned to give the answer they know others want to hear" (rough quote, she's much more eloquent than I). You're right, people aren't exactly asking, nor do they know the right questions to ask us.
Dude, and our stories are relevant to adoption because we are THE adoptees. We shouldn't even need a "because" or be required to prove "why" we are valid voices.
ReplyDeleteNonetheless, though, I realize we do not live in a vacuum & folks continue to boast their reasons as to why our narratives and ideas are nice little anecdotes but not relevant enough to be considered in policy-making & reform...so we must continue to persuade & convince...
And as an international adoptee, the loss of language & culture experienced by those adopted internationally will never be mitigated by any amount of adoption reform, short of getting to remain within one's origins--which is a much deeper & broader social issue.
And for adoptees as a whole, the losses of biological origins will always remain...even if the whole world were to finally acknowledge our voices, our losses would not cease to exist...
Great post, Amanda! It cannot be said enough.
ReplyDeleteI have been in so many discussions recently when I've been told, "But that's only YOUR story," or "I think you're projecting backward from your adult self onto your infant/child self. No one knows what infants or young children feel because they're preverbal." Well, I *was* that child. And I *am* that same person as an adult. As you said, adoption is something that's lived. I will be adopted my entire life.
I like what Melissa said about it being sad that we even have to argue this case. When I come to your blog, I look at the quote you have under "Why I Write." It makes so much sense; we are the primary sources. Yes, we all have different experiences, but that doesn't mean we cannot unite behind certain things.
The primary source, yes!We are the experts on our own stories.It happened so long ago? You bet and the effects are still being felt.If you are 'the old guys' I must be a dinosaur!
ReplyDelete