No, I am Not Disappointed

When talking about parenting, I have to point out, this isn't a parenting blog.  I am an Adult Adoptee writing what I think other adoptees might find interesting, and of course, everyone else is welcome here too.  But as a parent, naturally when parenting things come up, I reflect on them from different perspectives: mother, sister, daughter, wife, a woman, an adoptee....so on and so forth.  Reflecting on parenting more and more these days, I wanted to write an entry about parenting, expectations, and disappointment.

Whether adopted or biologically-raised, I don't think it is uncommon for parents to have expectations of their kids.  Some are every day types of things like expecting your kids to clean their rooms or learn to do their own laundry when they are physically and developmentally capable of increased responsibility.  Then there are expectations such as following the rules or doing the right thing.  I have all of these expectations for my son and soon-to-be-born son.

But sometimes expectations extend beyond that.  I remember back when I was in school.  It was a small private school and after years of being in the same class from Kindergarten forward, many of us grew very close.  The father of a friend of mine was really involved in a certain sport when he was in high school.  His two older children did not want to play this sport but he wanted one of his kids to walk in his footsteps and fulfill all the things that he didn't get to do.  My friend was the youngest and felt like she needed to make her father proud by playing this sport.  She left our small school to attend a large public school that had this particular sports program.  She went from small class of life-long friends to an enormous class full of people she didn't know.  She tried it and after a while, it didn't work out.  We were glad when she returned to us.  I wish I would have asked her more about how she felt about this and being able to be more of a listening ear for her.  I suppose we had drifted apart while she was in the other school but became closer when she returned.

I am sure there are times when all of us have felt like we have disappointed our parents or were worried that we would be.  I don't want to be that parent who makes expectations of what their kids will like or do and is disappointed when my kids are different.  People assuming I'm disappointed about something is equally as bothersome to me.

What has me thinking on this topic is comments I've received, not as a daughter, but as a mother.  When I was pregnant with my first son, I remember people asking me if I wanted a girl.  It didn't matter to me or my husband.  At the ultra-sound when the tech told me "it's a boy."

"Well, daddy will be happy" she said, shrugging her shoulders.

"Mommy is happy too" I said.

With this pregnancy, it was almost the same thing.  So many people told me they were hoping for a girl for me.  It didn't matter to me or to my husband.  When I found out that I was having another boy, someone even asked me:

"Are you OK?"

"Yes, I'm OK!"  I said.

It is perhaps weighing on my mind because more and more people are asking the usual questions: the due date, "is it a boy or girl," "what's the baby's name."  Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being excited about having a boy or girl, there are cool things I can imagine about parenting either.  There's a difference between that and the times that people assume I am disappointed that I am having a second boy and almost having to defend the fact that I am happy regardless of the gender.  Parenting is about my children, not me.  Parenting is about discovering their interests and talents and what makes them happy and nurturing it.  It is about meeting their needs and embracing who they are; helping them find who they are.  I hope that they will be happy people who have positive relationships, enjoy life, and always do their best to do what is right.

But my dear, sweet children, I will never be disappointed in you for being exactly who you are.

Photo credit: Rawich