Also a journalist, Lifton was a very blunt yet an extremely eloquent writer. She wasn't afraid to give her honest opinion, experience or theory on something, even if she knew others would not agree. How can someone sum up literature by Lifton? I don't think it's possible but I will do my best to share with you what I got out of this book.
This book involves Lifton's own thoughts and experiences, the theories by others she includes, as well as fifty interviews with adoptees adopted as infants, and "two hundred essay-style questionnaires that cover the adoptee's life cycle" (p. 9). The book speaks about a lot of issues Adult Adoptees may face when forming their identity or "Self" and how the closed adoption system can complicate the formation of one's identity. Lifton writes about the self-perception of adoptees and about their reunion experiences naming one's right to their information and ability to seek reunion as being a very important part of integrating the various aspects of an adoptee's "Self."
"I have come across reunions that have ended after one meeting and others that are holding fast, despite ups and downs, after ten years or more. They run the gamut from the adoptee being welcomed "home" by the birth mother and her family to the rare cases where the adoptee is denied any contact. In the majority of reunions, mother and child reconnect for a short period until it becomes clear that they will deepen the relationship, maintain a cordial friendship, or disconnect. I have seen adoptive families and birth families blend into an extended family for the sake of the adoptee, just as I Have seen the two families orbit separately around the adoptee, without ever interacting. But in all of these scenarios, even the seemingly negative ones, the adoptee feels a sense of grounding and renewal" (p. 147).As Lifton discusses it well in her book, reunions are an on-going process that can involve a lot of ups and downs. While most mothers welcome contact, not every reunion is goes as everyone expects. Yet, as Lifton puts it, it still benefits the adoptee in some way to have sought and found.
Do you agree?
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Absolutely.
ReplyDelete100%. While my reunion with my nmom didn't go so well, I'm still glad that I found her and made an attempt at it. Knowing is so much better than not knowing...
ReplyDeleteyes.....
ReplyDeleteJust read your whole "About" page. Glad to meet you! Hope my kids turn out as savvy and smart when they're grown.
ReplyDeleteOverall I would agree...even with all the heartache, complexities, painful truths & ongoing challenges & obstacles, I do not regret my reunion one bit.
ReplyDeleteI would add, though, at least in my experience, particularly because of the language, cultural & geographical barriers, the "sense of grounding and renewal" is accompanied by an equal sense of upheaval, dissonance, & confusion.
Yet, as you stated Amanda, "it still benefits the adoptee in some way to have sought and found."
The adoptee feels "a sense of grounding and renewal." Even with an "on again/off again," rocky 10 year reunion my feeling is my son is a more balanced person than he was prior to meeting and knowing his "family." I have the same feelings...an openness and completion. I feel "whole" as I enter the last phase of my life.
ReplyDeleteNo regrets here. Reunion has helped me feel more whole, even though I went through excruciating periods of rejection, self-doubt, and immense sadness that I cannot compare to anything else. I am learning so much about myself as my relationships with my natural family grow.
ReplyDeleteFrom a first mother's perspective...I am glad I found my daughter. I always planned to find her when she was an adult. I had a strong desire to know she was ok. Knowing she is ok has given me a level of peace i am thankful for.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I do find reunion very painful, sad and confusing at times. I guess I believed all those media reunion portrayals where mother and adult child come together again and all live 'happily ever after.' I feel for those of you who have felt distanced by your first mothers following reunion. In my case, it is my daughter who keeps me at arms' length. I have only seen her face-to-face once since our initial reunion...and she gives me little hope that she will be willing to meet again possibly for years. She tells me we must take baby steps. It feels like it is an uphill climb and I may be elderly before I can hope for a real relationship with my daughter. It is hard to remain hopeful when she pushes me away.
Does anyone understand this dynamic...why does it seem that the adoptees who are looking for a mom like me who desires a chance to know one another/spend time together, instead finds a very closed mother who is frightened and pushes them away. While a mother who strongly desires a relationship, finds an adult child who is scared, angry or not ready for the relationship to develop? I just don't understand why it has to be so hard.
BTW: I really appreciate your blog, Amanda. It has helped me so much. :-)