The Thing About Adoption Paradoxes

A couple months or more ago, I was preparing to embark on a "Paradox Project" for this blog as I find adoption paradoxes to be an interesting topic.  I asked constellation members who are friends and acquaintances of mine to think of conflicting or seemingly paradoxical themes in adoption they've had to process or overcome throughout the years.  I posted my question on Facebook and those who saw it in their feed and wanted to answer did so and I received quite a few responses.  I wanted to make a post about these paradoxes but decided against it after a conversation I had with someone shortly after collecting them.  I was meeting with a friend and she introduced me to another person there who was connected to adoption.  This person candidly asked me for my perception about something as an adoptee.  I don't remember the exact conversation now but I do remember that I responded, explaining in terms of an adoption theme that I always felt was conflicting and had to make sense of.  She did not like what I said....at all.  Her response was scolding, border-line yelling, at me.  It was something that had made sense to her and she seemed upset because it hadn't made sense to me in the same way.  It made me feel awful for sharing my thoughts, even though I had indeed been asked to share and gave an honest answer.  It was then that I decided against listing and discussing these paradoxes on my blog because I didn't want those who had felt they were paradoxical or meaningful in some way to feel invalidated if others did not receive them kindly.  However, there are a few things I have been musing about on the topic, since my post on Friday, which had included a paradox or two (and thanks to everyone who responded with their thoughts).

Paradoxes mean different things to different people and some things aren't paradoxical for some as they may be for others.  Even two people who agree something is a paradox may not even agree as to why.  One paradox may involve another paradox and yet another.  Each paradox having the potential to be an enormous topic, I admire the skill that many adoption authors have in addressing them as I have come across in literature I've read recently.

Paradoxes are hard topics because when one person makes sense of something or doesn't see it as conflicting and another person does, who is right?  Neither?  Both?  If conflicting conclusions or disagreement on what a paradox is or isn't arise, does the fact that another person disagrees bring about the possibility that the other person might be wrong about the conclusion they've drawn?  And who, honestly, likes to think they might be wrong about something?  (not me!)

Paradoxes can be perceived as something the person thinks or feels only because they haven't listened to or understood another person's point of view or because they must be mad at someone.  There will always be instances where one person can't understand why another person can't see something their way or why they can't come to the same conclusion.  One person figuring out the paradox is perceived as being ignorant or somehow flawed, rather than just trying to honestly make sense of something they've found significant.  What an adoptee thinks or feels about something may not make sense to everyone else and we are aware of this.  It takes a lot of courage for us to talk about these things in the first place.

Paradoxes and how they are perceived varies from person to person.  But perceptions of paradoxes may also vary to just one individual alone throughout their lifetime.  My adoption experience began when I was a small child and children do not process things the same way adults do (I'm certainly not an expert here, see Piaget's Stages of Cognitive Development as an example).  One theme in adoption that may have made perfect sense to me at one stage in my life might not in another.  As Brodzinsky, Schecter, and Henig describe it in "Being Adopted: the Lifelong Search for Self" (1993), processing concepts in adoption throughout one's lifetime is like storing things in a hat box in the closet, and taking them out every once and a while to turn them over and look at them.  Brodzinsky et. al. point out that a person's cognitive stage of development as well as psycho-social stage of development (they reference the well-known theories of Erik Erikson who was himself an Adult Adoptee) all play a part in how a person views what they may take out of the hat box throughout their lifespan.

Someone discussing things that are significant or themes that are/were conflicting for them isn't easy for a person to do.  I know when I voice something that I've had to make sense of, it feels nice to have the validation from, not necessarily the agreement of, others around me; I am sure many other adoptees (and other constellation members too) feel the same.  While I have yet to find the perfect way to discuss these things, I have discovered something I believe is important, at least for me: to have the ability and freedom to think about things by incorporating my experiences, perceptions, and values and come to my own conclusions as an adult.  Judgement-free listening from others gives me and I am sure other adoptees too, the ability to do so.

Photo credit:  Salvatore Vuono