Expectations are indeed a part of life and adoption (and other like things) is no exception. The expectations in adoption involve the real feelings of real people and can unfortunately conflict with the expectations of others within the same constellation.
I cannot remember the URL to the article I read at the moment as this was months ago, but it talked about a woman musing the concept of donating her eggs or being a surrogate, saying that she wouldn't be or feel like she was the conceived child's mother. Statements were made in agreement to the article that the "real mother" would be the one who would raise the child. Someone claiming to be a surrogate mother chimed in and said she did not view the children she birthed as her children.
Adoption is similar. Adoptees are often told who our 'real parents' are. By society. By other family members. Through my time reading blogs and articles, and the comments made on such things by their readers, these past couple years I have seen 'real parent' defined on behalf of the adoptee. I have read of adoptees searching and being rejected.
There's someone's feelings missing from that 'real family,' 'real parent' discussion, though. When I read the donor/surrogacy article as well as see those sentiments I mentioned about adoption, as an adoptee, the first thing that comes to my mind is "what if the conceived individual/adoptee disagrees?" Our DNA connects us to history before our birth. Our birth is the very beginning of our own narrative. Who is to say someone shouldn't care about those things if they want to?
Each person has the right to identify with what they will, so do others about themselves. But what does that mean when it comes to relationships? Can I identify as a daughter if my mother does not identify as my mother? You see where the expectations and emotions conflict. While someone may not view themselves as a parent, are they setting up the expectation that the conceived individual, who has no say in the matter, cannot view them as a parent? When an adoption takes place and the original parents are not viewed as parents by the adults involved, is the expectation set for the adoptee, who has no say in the matter, that they cannot view their original parents as parents? Or that they're expected to view them "this way" not "that way."
Can you imagine what it feels like to not feel....well, how you're expected to feel?
When agreements and expectations are set for children, especially in adoption, I wonder if anyone anticipates that the child will grow up and become an adult with feelings and expectations of their own. I had expectations assigned to me as an adoptee. My original family was not supposed to be my family any more and it was never expected to matter to me. This is the sentiment that adoption practice at the time had set up and this is the way adoption is legally. This expectation was given because that is what was thought was best at the time of my adoption. However, with expectations came the inevitability that I would feel like I was disappointing someone when my definition of family for myself no longer met up with what was expected of me.
What if a person views their surrogate mother as a mother?
What if a person views the biological parent who donated the egg or sperm as family? As a parent?
What if a person views the mother who surrendered them to adoption as a mother?
What if a person wants to love and embrace more than one set of parents?
What if a person whose information is sealed will one day want it?
What if these things that were never supposed to matter, do matter?
And in response, will society keep coming up with reasons why the adoptee (or other individual) is wrong about their own experience and perspective? Lest we forget, this requires completely disregarding the fact that they were never asked their opinion in the first place when expectations were made.
or
Is there...will there be, an expectation, not that the adoptee (or other individual) will feel exactly how they're expected to--but openness that they may feel any variety of ways?
I am fortunate to have a reunion with my maternal family where the expectations are mutual. I view my original mother as one of my mothers. She views me as her daughter; just as much her descendant as my brothers, her two sons. I was never a secret, I was always counted amongst the cousins, and my birthday was always on the calendar year after year. On the other hand, my paternal brother does not see me as a sister but my paternal aunt indeed sees me as her niece. These conversations of expectations make me think of my friends who weren't so well received. There are people, real people, who know what it's like to love someone and not receive the same love in return. Adoptees who reach out only to be turned away. Adoptees whose adoptive families are upset by their acknowledgement of their original family ties outside of the adoptive family. Adoptees who try to express their feelings but whose words fall on unreceptive ears. I can't help but think of them when I read articles where it's already been decided who is mother and who is not; who can be loved but who cannot....
when there's at least one person in that equation who hasn't been asked.
"People want to wax sentimental about how wonderful it is to be a chosen child. They see no need to grieve over losing your first set of parents. They prefer to convince you that you came out of a void into a wonderful, happy life. But that would be much sadder than coming from real people with real problems, who couldn't keep you." --Adult Adoptee quoted in The Adoption Triangle: Sealed or Opened Records: How They Affect Adoptees, Birth Parents, and Adoptive Parents
Excellent! You have such a gift of writing.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. You really can put into words what the majority of the adoptees I know experience. This encompasses even those adoptees who are content to never know or never search . .. .as i was reading I kept thinking about how it is the "authorities" (law, courts, adoptive parents, agencies) whose viewpoint matters the most. And we all know whose viewpoint matters the least. Ironic that all the authorities in the world cannot stop one adoptee from wondering, seeking and putting meaning on their original families, if that is what they feel inside.
ReplyDeleteAmanda, thank you so much for writing this. For me, this is really the crux of the adoption issue. I have commented many times about being the voiceless member of the triad. Adoption is a form of institutionalized brainwashing. I know my APs were miffed that I did not follow the party line and consider them to be my REAL AND ONLY PARENTS. Heck, this was not what the attorney told them would happen. I mean I was placed in the first week of my life. What would I care about the people who created me, the mother who carried me and the ancestors whose genes I carried? Right! I can see that for some even in reunion there is a lack of clarity about our relationships. But your main point is the most important one, that the adoptee is expected to think and feel a certain way even though s/he was not an active participant in the most important event affecting his life.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, now I have a question. How can a mother learn what the expectation is?
ReplyDeleteWhat are some of the reasons, in your opinion(s), that some siblings, and other family members, accept and others reject the newly found/discovered family member? Why do they sometimes reject thier existence altogether?
ReplyDeleteAnon, I think perhaps it has a lot to do with how the person coped with losing a child to adoption. My mother coped by holding out hope that I would find her and rejoin the family. She told everyone about me and my brothers were raised with the anticipation that their big sister would be coming back some day.
ReplyDeletePerhaps other people coped by trying to shove adoption into the back of their minds where they never had to think about it. Reunion changes that drastically, where you can't get around thinking about it. It might be too daunting for them to have to change how they've coped all those years. Especially when agencies have told women to go home and forget and that they'd never see their sons and daughters again.
Brothers and sisters who did not know about the adoptee may have their own issues with never being told about that. It must be very upsetting to find out your parents didn't share something with you that was this big. They may also worry about being replaced by or loved less than the adopted-out sibling.
Rejection is sad and I am not excusing it, but I think those are some reasons why it happens.