You might be wondering what the fog is. BJ Lifton writes about the "Ghost Kingdom" and an adoptee separating parts of one Self from their other Self extensively in her work. Adoption Wisdom also mentions a "numbing" or lack of clarity. I believe both of these authors would agree that what they're describing is what many adoptees refer to as "the fog." In my own definition, I would say that the fog is largely a phenomena of (but not necessarily exclusive to) the closed adoption system. Some people might also recall "the fog" as a place where they put adoption related thoughts and issues and paradoxes that could not be answered where they were not thought about. "The fog" occurs when a person forms their opinions on their adoptedness and adoption based on very little information, what others who are not adopted have told them is correct, and the stereotypes and assumptions of surrounding society. It is often characterized by the repeating of stereotypes and overly-simplified and positive-only answers regarding adoption, often leaving the conflicting themes in adoption paradoxes un-addressed or ignored.
An example of an adoption paradox?
Concept #1: "your mother loved you and placed you for adoption to give you a better life." (edit to note that the meaning behind this particular statement is that she was poor and/or could not provide monentarily).
Conflicts with....
Concept #2: the common childhood lesson of "money and material things don't matter, love does."
This is one of the simpler paradoxes. I am refraining fromg getting into the bigger ones that are discussed more thoroughly in adoption literature for sake of time and space in this entry.
Concept #1 is very simplified and not necessarily false (for the sake of brevity, I won't get into that). But it does conflict with other concepts an adoptee may learn, hold of value, and be taught, like Concept #2. There are many, many like paradoxes in adoption and there was a time where I simply would not address them because sometimes the logical conclusions seemed to point to loss and I was not willing to acknowledge anything in adoption that sounded negative.
Why?
Another paradox:
Working out whether or not you must love adoption because you love your Adoptive Parents. Considering that without adoption, you would not be in your Adoptive Parent's lives.
I want to also point out that not all of these things I described means someone is in a "fog." Everyone is different. Despite considering myself in exit of "the fog" I too have simple answers for some of the tough questions--although I have departed from the stereotypes. It's different for everyone.
My "fog" kept me from acknowledging what I acknowledge now: that adoption is an institution, not people. But I also had no clue about what I didn't know (the hallmark of "the fog"). Talking about adoption as an institution and all it entails has nothing to do with how I feel about my parents. But as society often asks the adoptee who has counter-stereotypical things to say about adoption or who wants to reunite "didn't your parents do a good job?" it is quite hard to break free from. Not only because of your own feelings but because of what others might say to you that might hurt your feelings.
My exit out of my "fog" began when I started looking at adoption-related topics on the internet and seeing "angry adoptees." Not that they were angry, really, I am able to recognize now. Just that they said things that were counter-stereotypical to me and brought up concepts I had never thought of before. I just didn't want to hear any of it. Becoming a mother is what ultimately make me explore adoption-related elements in my life.
Do I miss my "fog" where I was unaware of issues and problems within adoption, an element that has played and that still plays a big part in my life? Having a positive-only view of something might sound like it was better. But my real answer to this question came to me when giving a presentation in class one day last semester.
We were instructed to do a "self-awareness" presentation where we discuss in front of the class what in our lives we feel has shaped who we are, our interests today, and our path in our current major. Being in school off and on for years now, this is certainly not the first presentation of its kind I have had to do. But it was the first since embarking on exploration of adoption-related things and the first post-reunion. Of course, for me, I did mention adoption because it is a continual part of my life narrative. Because of the family adoption put me in and the location I was adopted to, I grew up a cheese-steak loving, Presbyterian-church going, seashore frolicking kid. That's what kids were into where I was growing up. Back where my natural family is from, they're Baptists, and they love to hunt and fish, camp, and do all things the-great-outdoors. (Me making that brief comparison should not be confused with feeling on is better than the other. That is not the case). Neat details about my upbringing, the story of my reunion, and my current dive into activism were all included topics. Fellow students were very, and most, interested in my reunion though. After the presentation, one fellow student raised her hand and asked:
"You didn't mention your 'real dad,' did you find him?"It was in that moment, the 5 seconds that it took between the last word of her question and when I gave her my answer that a hurricane of thoughts flew through my mind. I realized, more than ever, the difference between myself post-fog and in-the-fog.
The in-the-fog Amanda would have likely embarked on a mini lecture about how "Adoptive Parents are the 'real parents' because [insert everything you're all used to hearing already here]." I probably would have felt that she was insulting my Adoptive Parents and would have felt the need to defend them instead of answering the question she was asking. She doesn't know what words I am most comfortable with and she was just trying to ask a question the best way she knew how. But my answer to her likely would have made her not want to ask any more adoption-related questions, certainly not to me, as I would have likely exuded the assumption she meant to be rude for not automatically knowing who the "real parents" are.
The post-fog Amanda, for one, doesn't use the term "real parent." Everyone in my life is "real" and I love my moms and dad. But I simply said "he passed away years before I found anyone but I am in reunion with his family." I don't particularly like talking about the man who fathered me. But that isn't this woman's fault, she doesn't know this, and she's making an attempt at connecting and trying to learn more. Good for her. If she had asked me more after class where we could talk, I would have gladly talked to her about it.
And for the record, I consider myself in-the-fog and out-of-the-fog to be both well-adjusted people.
On one hand, the post-fog Amanda no longer views adoption in an all-positive way. I am aware of the pain of my first mother and first family and my own adoption loss. I am aware of the inaccuracies, antiquated laws, and rights issues surrounding adoption. I am aware that adoption is a multi-billion dollar industry that does nothing to solve the problems of poverty and women's inequality. I have met, encountered,and become friends with many, many constellation members on a huge, wide, spectrum of feelings of both positive and negative feelings towards adoption. I am aware of the many ethical issues. By being involved in adoption discourse, I hear more stereotypes in rebuttal to my quest for restoration of Adoptee Rights now more than ever. I'm usually one of the people everyone likes to call an "angry adoptee." Heck, in-the-fog Amanda would call me an "angry adoptee."
Sounds "negative" right?
On the other hand, as in-the-fog Amanda, I did not know about or acknowledge any of those things I mentioned above, at all. But my would-have-been-answer to my classmate sounded a lot angrier and negative than my actual, post-fog, answer, didn't it? Scolding and shutting down someone for saying something adoption-related that made me uncomfortable sounds angry to me. Dismissing other adoptees and making assumptions about them was also pretty negative of me. Giving an answer to my classmates about "real parents" in terms of the family hierarchal system I once had would have been really insulting to my first family and mother. It would have held the things against them that they couldn't provide, by no fault of their own, based on what my Adoptive Parents could provide. I now feel that how I personally felt about what made a "real parent" was placing possessions before the value and feelings of real people. I can't imagine how my would-have-been dissertation on "real parents" and "why who is real and who isn't" would have made those raised by single mothers or families who do not have as many monetary possessions and resources as others have, feel.
And please note, "the fog" or lack-thereof, how a person views it, and the things each adoptee thinks and feels are unique to them. I can only speak for myself. But, do I miss myself before I came through the fog? No. I think I was a heck of a lot more "angry" defending my positive-only-view of adoption and unwilling to acknowledge anything else when I was what people would call a "happy adoptee" than I am now as what people would call a "angry adoptee."
Go figure!
Photo Credit: Evgeni Dinev
Great post! For me the fog means similar things and I also use it to mean that state of perplexity and confusion when it's hard to think straight that I attribute directly to adoption, for me that is.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a great post. You explain things so well...
ReplyDeleteI think that for me at least, coming out of the fog is a process. At times I still feel like I've got a foot back in it. Other times I feel like I'm totally out of it. It takes so long to change your whole way of thinking about such a huge part of your identity...
When I was "in the fog" I think I turned all those negative thoughts and feelings inward and blamed myself for the problems of adoption and figured it was just because I was so " bad"
ReplyDeleteNow I am a much more authentic and accepting person, of myself first of all.
Lora
The "fog" is created when a person has to rationalize their "reality" out of fiction and accept it as "truth".
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree with this and I think that being able to handle complexity/ambiguity and deal constructively with any (often justified) anger rather than denying it is much more healthy.
ReplyDeleteI had a lot of free-floating anger as a child and teenager that I think was partially caused by adoption. I was unable and not allowed to express it, but by swallowing or ignoring my anger so much that it, I, like Lora, effectively became my own target. The anger I had found expression as deep self-loathing and persistent depression that has followed me well into adulthood.
I don't know how I feel about "the fog" as a metaphor for myself, but I do know that by working to resolve many of the issues that at least had their start in my adoption, I am slowly becoming a healthier, more accepting person and starting to actually move towards becoming the person I want to be.
Thank you for this insightful blog. I am both an adoptee and an adopter.
ReplyDeleteI think that your description fits mothers as well... only when we are in-the-fog, we are usually good little birth mothers, even though we walk around with this hint of sadness and depression... out-of-the-fog, we are angry women...... at least that is what I have been told.
ReplyDeleteI am a mother and an adult adoptee and completely disagree with the assertion that "we teach our children that money and material things don't matter" and therefore do not see it as paradoxical to assertion #1. It is irresponsible at least and trite at best that that statement is set up to disavow the sentiment of #1
ReplyDelete@it is what it is, actually it is not trite, but very true. People do try to teach their children that material things and money are not the be all and end all of life. It is a paradox to apply it to the situation as stated. I wonder, does being a mother and an adult adoptee seem to make you wonder about that? Do you teach your children that money is very important? How young were they when you started this teaching? The facts are not what you think, are you in reunion? Have you looked?
ReplyDeleteI am curious because you come across very self-righteous and offended that it might actually be true.
I don't think that Amanda's comparison of the two concepts is at all either irresponsible or trite.
ReplyDeleteIf such a contradiction didn't exist and people didn't believe both that money isn't important in determining family relationships but the reason you've been adopted into our family is because it is, why don't adoptive parents turn around and re-relinquish their adoptive kids whenever they hit financial problems?
I don't see the problem with the principle in #2 either. I went to a private school when I was growing up and in my elementary school years, was not one of the rich kids. I didn't have the expensive version of the uniform, the designer shoes, or the name-brand jacket. And I was teased. My mother comforted me by letting me know that money and possessions are not important. My ability to love others is and that our family might not be rich in possessions, we were rich in love.
ReplyDeleteIt was very conflicting, at least for me, to be told that money wasn't important, when it was simultaneously spoken of as being important enough to be the reason I was surrendered to adoption. Is money important or isn't it? This is the question I had to answer for myself.
Amanda, I appreciate your thoughtfulness and your ability to articulate things well. I agree there are numerous paradoxes in adoption.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Lori that first mothers, like myself, also experience a "fog". For me, reunion prompted me to exit the fog. Prior to reunion, I rarely discussed my daughter with parents or siblings. I was the "good little birthmother", too. If I did mention my daughter, I said I did not regret the adoption. I agreed it was best for her. I believed that it was the "right" thing to do for her even though it felt wrong for me.
Because I never knowingly met other first mothers prior to reunion, I believed the stereotypes that for the most part mothers place children because they don't want them. I thought I was unique in my desire to find my child. I thought I was unique in my grief. This seems ridiculous to me now. Post-reunion I have read extensively, met other mothers and adoptees. I now recognize that all of us have experienced loss. It seems obvious to me now, but the fog prevented me from educating myself. Do I miss pre-fog me? Most certainly not! Reunion may be a roller coaster ride, but I have never regretted finding my daughter.
By the way, my mother and siblings now view me as "angry". They believe adoption stereotypes and I have yet to persuade them otherwise.
I have to say, money and possessions are NECESSARY and for most people, desired by all for sure(who doesn't want something they don't have?)
ReplyDeleteI think teaching children not to value money and possession ABOVE relationships is important, but so is knowing the value of money and that everything has a cost, life included.
I am a first mom for whom the most pressing reason I placed my son into his adoptive family was because I did not have enough means to care for him
There's a reason why I rarely mention paradoxes, let alone get into the really controversial ones when I do (the one mentioned above was one of the least controversial I could think of). It's because they make sense to some but not others. An adoptee who struggles with one has to make sense of it themselves, they won't necessarily be able to have the same reasoning or come to the same understanding as another person. But at the same time, they want to feel validated in what they're struggling with and that they can voice it with the understanding, not necessarily agreement, of others.
ReplyDeleteI could argue why it is a paradox for adoptees and the specific reasons why one adoptee may struggle with it and others will not, but I won't, because paradox conversations tend to turn into arguments. :-)
Great post! Very thought provoking. I understand why you may not want to talk more about adoption paradoxes seeing as how even this less controversial one did stir up emotions but I would love to read more. I find discussing adoption paradoxes is very insightful particularly to adoptive parents so we can dispell our own fog and not force adoptees and first parents into a fog lest they be labeled "angry."
ReplyDelete~Jill