photo © 2005 Gideon | more info (via: Wylio)I wrote I had no words yesterday, but I have them now. Yesterday, I described a conversation between my first mother and I about the money in adoption. I did not want to have this conversation with her. I did not want to tell her why that agency in the news article closed nor anything further involving money, adoption, and ethics. A friend of mine commented to me (on Facebook) that our mothers deserve to know; they deserve the truth. And you know, my friend is absolutely right. My mother is a strong woman; she is not someone who needs to be sheltered and she and I have had deep discussions about adoption ethics in the past. I really had to sit and ask myself why I did not want to talk about money and adoption with her the other day. I don't want to treat her as if she doesn't deserve to know the things she asks about. And after turning it over in my mind, I think what I was trying to do was to take back a moment that adoption loss was taking away from us.
Adoption should be about helping kids who have lost their families. It makes no sense for it to cause loss on top of that, yet, it does. It shouldn't but it does. There are things I have lost for no other reason than adoption took them from me.
I lost my original identity. Adoption law sealed my original birth certificate.
I lost my original family. Adoption practice did not allow or encourage me to be a part of their lives or vice versa.
I lost my heritage. Adoption law sealed my records connecting me to my roots.
I lost my health history. Adoption practice did not allow or encourage my families to share on-going information.
I lost my equality. Adoption law sealed away information about me that other people are able to access about themselves.
And with the era of forced and coerced adoptions, adoption itself is the reason why many adoptees ended up being surrendered to adoption in the first place.
The loss is profound; it is ever present where you'd least expect.
In the first days of my reunion, I struggled to keep adoption loss from taking the most joyous moments away. Even telling each other simple stories about each other's lives so far brought up this loss when we realized that things hadn't happened the way she had been told.
"How is your brother?" She once asked.
"I don't have an [adoptive] brother."
"I thought I had chosen parents for you that already had a son; I wanted you to have siblings."
"I was raised an only child."
"Oh."
What a shame how simple information sharing about your life brings moments like this up in a time that should be so happy.
"Why didn't you contact me when you were 18? I am sure it took you a long time to feel ready." She inquired another time.
"I had no way of contacting you."
"I thought you knew my name and would be given your file updated with my address."
"No. I had nothing."
"Oh."
There are other examples I can give. Times where you just want to have a nice conversation, a beautiful moment, and to hold on to it. Here I was a few days ago when the aforementioned conversation took place, planning a visit for my first mother to come visit me. We talked about the things we might do and the places we might see. We talked about her relaxing as she has been very stressed lately and having a nice break. My son was loudly chirping "hi Gwammy!" into the phone,trying to tell her he wears the shoes she got him and we were laughing. She mentioned the link she saw on Facebook and wanted to know if I knew what it was about. It was about adoption, and no doubt a loaded and heavy conversation would have been interjected into the nice time we were sharing together because there just is no way to discuss money in adoption without feeling a heavy weight on your chest. So I gave nothing more than a brief summary of what she had asked about.
It was a nice moment and I guess I just I didn't want adoption to ruin it.
I get that! I talk to my grandson and he makes me laugh..... but he doesn't live with my daughter and her husband... and she is not interested in me having any kind of life unless she is part of it............ I get that.....
ReplyDeleteGood Blog Amanda and so spot on. The subject of adoption, the elephant in the living room, can screw up the best conversations between adoptee and mother. I deleted a comment, today, from one of those "more wounded than thou" mother-haters and I wonder, though she claims to be my age, if she really ever had that conversation. It's hard to do. There is anger and sadness and frustration in wading through all that stuff, but, hopefully, better understanding can result.
ReplyDeleteSo much dishonesty, so much loss, so unnecessary! I agree, adoption should be something considered for only the most desperate/unsafe circumstances.
ReplyDeleteExcellent post Amanda. Thank you for speaking out on this important topic so that more people will begin to understand the great loss in adoption that can not ever be recovered.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the blog!!! It was good for me to see you address the elephant in the room and how it does inevitably come into conversation, how could it not. I am a natural mother that has been reunited with my son for 5 years and he is not as understanding as you. i dont mean to bring up adoption... but like you said, IT COMES UP. Especially with me... my father is adopted and has not found his hertitage, my step father adopted me and then i repeated this vicious cycle of adoption and "chose" to place my first born son... then married the guy two years later and had to do invetro to get our other two. There really isnt many questions you can ask me that adoption hasnt affected me somehow. Very refreshing reading that an adoptee is not ignorant to the elephant in the room and can allow it in her conversation, even if it makes some people uncomfortable.
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