A Candid Confession: I'm 'That' Adoptee

Nice to meet ya!

I was emailing back and forth with another adoptee the other day and we came across the topic of when people will say "I know an adoptee and [insert how they think the adoptee they know feels and why it's better than what another adoptee feels or has to say, here]."  You know the "my sister's friend's cousin is adopted and doesn't think anything about it because they never talk about it" speech?  This is usually said in response in a conversation on any adoption topic where one person disagrees with the other.  I have to chuckle to myself about that because when I really think about it, I'm probably someones "that adoptee."  I wonder who is out there using me as an example in these debates and conversations?

I don't talk about adoption with everyone.  My blog is not a secret, I talk about adoption here and will usually talk about it when people ask me.  But I do not just go around volunteering my thoughts and opinions all the time.

Family

I am sure that if some of my aunts, uncles, or cousins were in a conversation with an adoptee about adoption they might say "my niece is adopted and doesn't feel that way; she doesn't talk about it."  Why?  Because I don't talk to them about adoption.  Why?  Because I don't want to.  Because when there have been talks (not initiated by me) I felt that I would be hurting their feelings by continuing the conversation.  Not because what I would have to say is hurtful or is intended to be so but because I perceived that they might misunderstand what I would actually be saying.  To many of them, I am sure, I am the adoptee who says nothing and has no opinions on adoption.

Surely all my Friends Would Know....

No.  Even to some of my friends and acquaintances, I am sure, I am "that adoptee."  I don't talk about adoption with them.  My closest and oldest friends know my feelings and opinions on adoption issues and being adopted.  But I cannot say the same for all of my newer friends.  A lot of these conversations on adoption need more than just one or two statements of "this is how I feel."  For some topics, it is a 45 minute conversation per topic in order for someone to fully understand what you're saying.  Sometimes you just want to go to the mall with someone, make fun of bad movies, and have a play date without having to pour out your heart and soul or dive into a topic the other person will have no clue how deep the topic really is...yes, even if they are a friend.  A friend you like.  A friend whose company you enjoy.  A friend who you want to keep liking and wonder if you'd be able to do so if they talked to you about adoption only for you to find out that they have a lot of hurtful, stereotypical opinions.

I remember going to a direct sales party at a friend's house and I brought along one of my friends (she's actually adopted too).  We got into the topic of pregnancies, my adopted friend shared how she wasn't sure if she'd ever get pregnant again.  Because of a medical condition, her next pregnancies would be very high risk.  In response, someone waved their hand in her direction before reaching foward to give her arm a gentle squeeze coupled with a reassuring smile.

"Oh just hire a surrogate!" they said, nonchallantly.

A direct sales party with friends was not the environment in which I wanted to dive into my views as an adoptee on surrogacy ethics.  I think my friend and I both gave nervous smiles and proverbially melted into the couch.  The conversation went on without us.

I wish I would have said something.  So to that room of people, I am "that adoptee."  The one who didn't say anything about being adopted.

The Agency?!

The adoptee that adoption agency quotes in their presentations at conferences, who gives a glowing report about being adopted?  I am that adoptee too.  A few years back when I was considering reunion before I was really considering reunion and terribly (and totally) lost in the fog, I emailed back and forth with my adoption agency.  I wanted to know if information was out there and what I was allowed to have.  But I was wracked with guilt in doing so and afraid of being judged.  I was afraid that people would think an adoptee who wanted reunion was somehow flawed or disloyal to their parents.  I did not know very many other adopted people; there was no validation for my desire to know more information about myself or my original family.

What I wrote to her was that I just loved being adopted.

What I was thinking in my head was that she would think I was an unhappy person for wanting to reunite and that she'd call my parents to tell them what an ungrateful bastard they'd raised.

For some reason, despite the fact that I was a grown adult, I was sure she'd call them and tell them.

She asked if she could use what I said in presentations and I told her that she could.  Of course, now I wish I hadn't done that.  Why couldn't I just write an email and get to the point: "where's my info and how do I get it?"  But alas, that is where I was at the time.  I was not ready to think critically about adoption or how I felt about being adopted.  And I definitely was not ready to tell my parents I was seeking more information.  Though always supportive and loving, they would feel that I was trying to replace them.  My perception of reunion was to open a can of worms full of emotion, my parents, my own, and even that of my original family.  Since I would be the initiator of it all, I viewed it as my responsibility to carry us all on my back.  I wasn't ready for that.

Surely at the Local Support Group!

And no, not even at the local adoption support group do I share all of my feelings and opinions with everyone.  There are some adoptive parents there (yes, I know not all adoptive parents are like this, nor am I saying they are) that act so completely wounded by what the adoptees have to say about their own adoptions and their own opinions that it's not even worth it to me.  I go to listen to everyone else and to lend support because that is what a support group meeting is for.  But sharing my own opinions?  No thank you.

And like I talked about in my "Silence = Success?" post, sometimes we don't want to talk about something with someone because of the way we are approached on the subject.  If someone starts out with a stereotype and looks to us to validate their opinion, who really wants to get into that with someone every time?  If we sense that someone is not going to really listen and instead be over come with their own judgements and misconceptions...why would they think we'd want to talk about adoption topics with them?  If someone is not going to handle my feelings with care, they don't get to hear them.

Do I think every adoptee that doesn't talk about adoption with everyone thinks, feels, and has the same opinions on adoption topics as I do?  No.  It's up to each individual adoptee to decide how they feel and also decide what they want to share.  And it should be up to every adoptee to form their own thoughts and opinions and be free to change those thoughts and opinions if and when they want to, at any time.  No, I do not think that every adoptee who doesn't talk about being adopted feels the same way I do on these issues or doesn't share their thoughts for the same reasons I don't......but as I've made a pretty good case for, just because someone doesn't talk about being adopted doesn't mean you'll know that they don't think about it or have opinions on it either.

"Adopted adults should not be singled out and queried unless they have volunteered themselves as a bridge — and even then there are boundaries that must be respected." --Terra Trevor