Guest Post by Anonymous, Adult Adoptee
I would like to thank Amanda for allowing me the privilege of being a guest blogger on her site. I approached her to see if she had any insight into the question: ‘is my experiences of being an adoptee with siblings who were the bio children of my adopted parents a common one’ and she suggested that I would get more feedback if I were to post this as a blog post and I agreed.
From here on in I will refer to the biological children of my adopted parents as the “bios”. As much as I hate to refer to anyone by a label it is much easier than constantly typing out the biological children of my adopted parents every time I want to reference them.
I am a domestic adoptee, adopted into a family that is of my race but we most certainly do not look alike in anyway. It is glaringly obvious to even the most casual observer that I do not fit into my family and that may or may not have played a part in what I experienced.
Let me state right now, before I get any further into this post, that based on my life’s journey and that of the other adults I know in my situation, I am leaning more and more towards the idea that the adoption of a child into a family with bio children is not in the child’s best interest. Already I can hear the adoptive parents start to raise their objections, in thunderous tones with Martin Luther King inflections, “I have a dream” to have bio children and then to adopt. Be calm, this isn’t about what is in your best interest, this post is about what is in the best interests of the child and while I understand that is on the very bottom of the list of what adoptive parents care about, I'm going to take a stab at it anyway. Too often I hear about what is supposed to be in the best interest of the child but if you look deep, it is almost always about the adoptive parents pursuing their dreams. There seems to be much more concern about if the child will fit into the family than if that family is the best one for a particular child but that is its own post.
I found that in my family the presents of bios was very much like adding salt to the wound. They were a constant reminder of the fact that there was no blood connection between myself and my family and that was a slap in the face to me. Yes, I know, adoptive parents insist that blood does not matter and love is all that counts but I beg to differ, blood does matter and the comments that are commonly bandied about whenever family gets together are ample proof of that fact. Genetics are a way for family to claim each other and when you do not share those genetics then by extension you do not share that family.
I offer as proof just how important genetics are in the claiming of family the following statements that are so often heard at a family gathering. “You look so much like your (fill in the blank) did at that age.” “Of course you’re good at that, its in your genes.” “Did you ever get that cowlick to lay down? Its a family trait that used to drive me crazy when your cousin was your age” “Your great grandmother would be so proud to see how tall you are, she always said when your mom was pregnant with you that she knew this was the grandchild that would take after her dad.”
I can post thousands of variations of these conversations but I'm sure we’ve all heard them in their many forms. Even more deadly were the comments by my parents, things that were true, that parents say to their children without thinking that claim them as their own “You like spicy food because I used to eat it when I was pregnant with you.” “I was in labour with you for 35 hours but you were so worth it” “I found my grade school pictures and I can’t believe how much you look like me at that age.” “Everyone in our family has that mole and I think its so cute.”
All of these things, while seemingly innocuous, were a direct stab to my heart and my siblings knew it and would use it as a weapon when we had our usual sibling battles. With the deadly innocence that children have, they would go straight for any weakness to one up each other and the lack of a blood tie is a powerful weapon because it is true, you do not share a blood tie and they do. No amount of protest can change that fact. I see constant posts from adoptive parents who get that their bios use this to reduce the adoptee “my bio children constantly remind my adopted child that they do not share their heritage” and then blithely continue on their merry way so confident that blood does not matter. As I’ve stated before, perhaps not to you but try just for once to put yourself in your adopted child’s shoes. Not only did their “real” parents not love them enough to keep them (which true or not, many adoptees internalize as I wasn’t good enough to be loved) but they are living in a family where the parents do love their children enough to keep them. That can and does in the situations I know, lead directly to if I upset my siblings, if push comes to shove, then I will be gone. Why should they keep me over their children when my own parents didn’t?
Now, I don’t have a vast network of fellow adult adoptees to talk to about this issue but it seems that this issue isn’t one that is talked about in blog land. I’ve heard it privately in conversations but with it is always the “I would never want THEM to know I felt this way.” So perhaps that is why it isn’t talked about as much? Or perhaps my experience was unique? I don’t know.
I’ve also wondered for quite some time now just how common it is for adopted adults to not be close to their siblings who were the bios of their adopted parents. Once again in my admittedly limited survey of adult adoptees, 100% say that they are not only NOT close to their bios but their bios are much closer to each other than they are to the adopted adult and I can’t help but wonder just how universal this is.
So I'm throwing it out to blog land, what were your experiences as an adoptee growing up with bios and how are your relationships now with them? What are you thoughts about the mixing of the two. Sorry, AP’s this isn’t the time to tell my how much your children all love each other and how well they play together and how much they have made YOUR life complete. This is about the adoptee experience.
Blog Owner's Note: the ability to comment anonymously on this blog is enabled. Please feel free to use that option if you want to provide a response without being identified, or, if you do not have a blogger/Google account. Please remember the adoptee came here for support and try to be supportive in your answers. I was raised an only child and do not have any experience or frame of reference in this area; thank you to the anon blogger for writing about her experience.
Blog Owner's Note: the ability to comment anonymously on this blog is enabled. Please feel free to use that option if you want to provide a response without being identified, or, if you do not have a blogger/Google account. Please remember the adoptee came here for support and try to be supportive in your answers. I was raised an only child and do not have any experience or frame of reference in this area; thank you to the anon blogger for writing about her experience.
I was adopted by my parents, who believed they could not have bios. A year and a half later, their daughter was born, followed by two more sons. So I came first, which may color my views a bit differently. Still, my siblings used my adoption against me in fights. And the comments about how who I am came from them (somehow) always bothered me. I also see myself relating very differently to my parents now that I am an adult (differently from the bios). I always wonder if they got more of what they needed from our parents than I did. I don't mean that they were loved more, but that what my parents could do met their needs, but not mine because of the biological differences. I need to spend more time formulating more thoughts, but you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteWow, what a raw and honest post. Thank you for sharing it.
ReplyDeleteMy parents had 2 bio children; a son and a daughter. Their son, whom was the proverbial apple of my mother's eye, died in a car accident, they began to collect children. There were 3 of us that were adopted and one that was never formally adopted, but had been raised having legal custody and care. The first child that was adopted was a boy; they should have stopped there. He was the 'chosen one'; the replacement for their dead son. He was even given the same name but called by his middle name so as not to show my mother's sickness. The rest of us should have gone to hones that wanted children to LOVE.
ReplyDeleteI digress and choose not to continuously live in anger and depression for choices that were not mine to make. Of course, the surviving bio child was favored but not over the first adopted boy. He was ALWAYS their #1 priority, still they enabled bad behavior by their bio daughter by feeding her money and cars out of guilt. My other brother and sister received nothing. Ever. We were told on a consistent basis how nobody wanted us, not even our 'real parents' and that we were taken out of pity.
Watching their bio child and one of the remaining 4 of us non-bio children get lavished with attention, clothes, money, cars, etc. drove a huge wedge between all of us. We have all grown up and have families of our own. I no longer speak to the 'chosen' brother, nor to our surviving non-bio sister. When our parents were both gone there was no longer anything holding us together. The proverbial glue was gone. My other brother, whom was also on the receiving end of the abuse by our 'parents' and I still stay connected via social media but he keeps everyone at arm's length so he won't get hurt by anyone that proclaims to 'love him' and I can't help him. It's his road to travel. And I send him love each and every day.
I still, at 44 years of age, wonder if I look like my half-siblings *on by bio father's side*...he doesn't acknowledge my existence to anyone but admitted to me on ONE phone call that he 'wouldn't dispute' that he was my 'sperm donor'....I wonder if my personality came from them...because, although all 5 of us were raised in the same house, I am so incredibly different from those that are still alive. I have fought a long battle with depression and crushing self-esteem problems since small childhood...but I am WINNING this war! The choice to be adopted by that family was NOT mine; however, the choice to live a happy and love-filled life IS mine!
My next life will be full of bio sibling love, parental love and happiness throughout childhood...if I have anything to say about it. :0)
My husband and I have had lengthy discussions about this--we have three adopted children and how WE feel that it would be unfair to them if we had a biological child. We know that we would not love them any different, but we do know that you speak the truth in how siblings react to one another--or peers even. Each of our children is truly unique and we feel blessed to know their birth mothers (and some family) well enough to say, you get that from your first momma, or grandma, or your first mother drank diet coke during her pregnancy and now you are obsessed with pop.
ReplyDeleteI also know that each child is so unique that we cannot always parent them in the same way. (Setting limits, how to express consequences, what kind to give, helping with learning, doing activities with specific interests, etc.), so I can also see if one child needs more of something how that can be very damaging to others.
I certainly know that we are not perfect parents. I struggle just like anyone else. I guess the one thing I want my children to have is the open door to talk to us about anything they have on their mind without feeling like they are betraying us or hurting us. I want them to feel confident that we will listen with an open mind and heart and love them no matter what. So, any experience that you have had to help me be successful with that is cherished knowledge that I take to heart! Thank you for this post!
Thank you for sharing your experiences. Mine are much the same. I have often said that not only was MY true identity lost through adoption, but so was my a sisters...my ap's bio child.
ReplyDeleteShe had to walk on egg shells her whole life. It wasn't fair to her, having these "stranger siblings" with abandonment issues, and it wasn't fair to us, seeing our sibling, who was exactly like our ap's. It was indeed, adding salt to the wound.
my experience with a bio
I don't have a bio in my family, but I just wanted to thank you for putting yourself out there. It takes a lot of courage.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this, Anonymous. My husband and I adopted through kinship and are still in the process of trying to have a child biologically. Even though our bio child and adopted son would still be biologically related (cousins) I still struggle with the affect it may have on our son. I definitely needed to hear you words calling AP's out because we very often fall into the trap of deeming actions "in the best interest of the child" when in fact they are in the best interest of ourselves. You have given me much to think about. Thank you again.
ReplyDelete~ Jill
I have 3 older bio brothers and 1 younger bio brother. The AP's wanted a daughter they adopted me. I don't look a thing like them. I am blond/green eyed they are brown hair/brown eyed.
ReplyDeleteI have never been close to the older three too much age difference. The younger bio bro and I were close at one time but not now.
None of them ever played the adoption card while having sibling fights nor did my AP's treat me any differently. I cannot say the same for the outside world who expected me to follow the same pursuits as the boys. I still get tired of the "you don't look like them" or "are you in the same line of work as your brothers" It always makes me feel pitted against them when I am compared to them. Like what they have done and their lives/pursuits are better than mine.
I have bio 1/2 siblings out there somewhere. I really have no hope of reunification with any of my natural relatives. In fact, I just started in the last months reading adoptee blogs and it is so good to know I am not alone in my feelings and pain.
sorry I rambled on, my first time commenting here too.
Thanks for the post.
Thank you for posting this wonderful article. While not in your shoes, I can comment that, when you write: Not only did their “real” parents not love them enough to keep them (which true or not, many adoptees internalize as I wasn’t good enough to be loved)......it's something also felt by those of us adoptees who didn't have to factor in bios as well. Interestingly, I know a few families who have both adopted and bio children and ALL of the moms have said to me, "I like the adopted one best." I always thought this an odd statement but perhaps we adoptees are just better at blending and making nice than bio kids are.....
ReplyDeleteI am a birthmom so I can't give you advice or feedback from an adoptees point of view. However, my daughter who was placed for adoption and now I am in reunion with her has a brother that is her parents biological son. I used to wonder how that went with one being adopted and one being not. I was told that they couldn't have kids and when I heard through the family that they had a son I was happy but also concerned.
ReplyDeleteI haven't had too many conversations with her about her brother and her relationship but from what we have had I think it's a good one. I know they do things with each other and sometimes for each other.
My family has the traits that run in our family and I can imagine that most likely in my daughters family they do the same thing. However, so far I just haven't heard her talk about things that bother her. I will say that she isn't very forthcoming with her thoughts. She has always said that she didn't think much about being adopted.
The only other stuff I've read about this tpe of family is from the adoptive parents' perspective or from the bio sibs' perspective and they always say "it didn't matter." And I have always wanted to hear it from the adopted sib's perspective. I do think there are better and worse families (mine is all bio and in many ways we are quite estranged) but I find every data point from adult adoptees to be super useful in raising my own (adopted) children. We've never tried to have bio kids and never will. But this is helpful, regardless.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your side of a multifaceted story and prompting the others here in the comments.
Phil brings up an interesting consideration – “I always wonder if they got more of what they needed from our parents than I did.” And, like Phil, I’m not talking about love, though I will bet dollars to doughnuts that some of us did mistake the missed feeling for missed love. As I have found out about my Father things have made sense to me that before I just thought were *differences* between my Mom (ap) and I… and, really strangely how similar my Dad (ap) and my Father were. I totally understand and agree with the G-Blogger when they say, “, blood does matter and the comments that are commonly bandied about whenever family gets together are ample proof of that fact.” I did not have sibs but I did have a cousin and two aunts-in-law that reinforced my “non-relatedness”.
ReplyDeleteAnd, NO! your experience is Not unique… we are just very reticent to speak openly about how we felt/feel. I applaud you on opening the door.
I have 3 older siblings who were adopted by my father; some call this adoptee-lite, as they were raised with their biological mother. In our family we were discouraged from discussing adoption. My siblings never had contact with their bio father following adoption and my mom destroyed any photos with him in them. We never referred to them as step-siblings. Since adoption is taboo in my family, I really don't know how my siblings feel about how they were treated compared to how my younger sister and I (full bio) were treated. I didn't really think of them as anything but siblings. I wonder if such denial is helpful or not to adoptees. I would think it would make them feel "less than" because it was never acknowledged.
ReplyDeleteAs adults, I am not in regular contact with any of my siblings, but I do care about them. I wish we were able to have an open discussion. I am curious to know if they felt they were treated differently by my father. And I am curious to know if they have any desire to find their dad or possible other siblings/relatives. I know I would want to find my relatives if I were adopted.
Although I have no direct experience, being raised an only and my half-sibs by their father, everything I have read and heard over the years confirms that more difficulties are created for adoptees when there are bio children and parenting is 'mixed'.
ReplyDelete"We know that we would not love them any different" How do you now if you haven't done it? Parents who profess to do this are actually acting 'colour bind' or rather 'adoption blind'.It matters deeply that adoptees will begin family life with loss and trauma and bios probably don't.You may have a deep committment, try to parent well but love for children is different according to who they are...individuals, each with a different life story, adopted or not.One size in this instance does not fit all.
Loving all the same, seems to be part of the view of parenting or adoptive parenting as a selfless task done for altruistic reasons.
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ReplyDeleteInteresting post.
ReplyDeleteI am adopted and was raised an only. When I was about eight I found out that shortly after my parents brought me home, my amom found herself pregnant. The baby was stillborn when I was about a year old. Finding this out was rather a shock, and when I expressed nervousness about how a bio-sibling might have affected my life, people would always say, "Oh, that's just sibling rivalry. All kids feel like that with a new sib, etc." But for me, it ran far deeper than that. It would have meant that my being *not* of their bloodline was even more accentuated.
It might have been okay. But honestly, I am glad not to have had the experience of growing up even more thrust to the margins than I was already.
I am the youngest in my family. My (a)parents had 2 sons, but wanted a girl, so after 8 miscarriages, decided to adopt me as an infant. I always knew I was adopted, and grew up feeling special because I was "chosen."
ReplyDeleteMy brothers never played the "adopted card," although we all fought quite a bit growing up. I felt as close as a girl can to much (6 & 10 years) older brothers.
My brothers were always very protective of me ("No one's going to hurt MY little sister," etc.,), and have occasionally actually forgotten that we aren't blood relatives ("Do you get your blood pressure checked regularly? Because mine was high, and both Mom & Dad were on meds for hypertension... er, never mind.") which gets a laugh.
I wonder if my experience was different because I was the youngest and the only girl?
I will say that not looking like my (a)family has been the worst part of being adopted. It's very alienating, especially because both my brothers look like our parents. Add to that the lack of a birth story, and I've always felt a certain level of disassociation from my family, from the entire human race. I was separated from my tribe as an infant, and there's nothing anyone can do to fix or change that, despite the generally good experience I had with adoption.
Thank you, Anonymous, and the other adoptees, for sharing your experiences.
Thank you everyone for your responses.
ReplyDeleteSome things that were said, especially Ms. Marginalia's comment, made me remember my a-mom's miscarriage. My parents had tried for something like nearly a decade to have kids. I knew that I was very loved and wanted but knowing that they tried for so long made me feel like I was a second choice. When I was older, I was told that when I was 3 or 4, my mom had gotten pregnant and had a miscarriage. I remember feeling very sad for her but also wondered if they would have loved that child more than me.
Adopted at 3 days old by a couple who were told they likely would not have bio kids. 4.5 years after me they had my brother, 2 years after that they had another brother but he passed shortly after birth and another 2 years after that they had my sister. Yes. I have always felt like I was treated different. Not poorly - just different from their bio kids. And like Phil said, I find myself relating different to my adoptive family than the bio kids do. I feel like an outsider. Always have. I know they love me; it just doesn't feel the same. Unfortunately, I have tried to tell them my feelings and it never ends well for me.
ReplyDeleteMiddle child of three, oldest and myself adopted, both girls with the youngest being biological to my parents, and a boy. I still remember the day we brought him home from the hospital and how thrilled I was. Gender, birth order, the age we were at, and our individual personalities played a role in how our parents treated all of us, just as it played a role in how we related to each other. We fought like all siblings but it was never adoption related. I was very close to my brother as we had lots in common and my sister and I grow closer the older we get. We have very little in common. None of us looked tons like our parents, but nobody looked especially unalike either.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your story anon.
I am one of the bio children in a family of 6 (2 adopted). As adults, for at least one adopted brother, the ties to family are not close. Some of this is in part due to my sister-in-law's perception that we are not his "real" Family . My parents, while hurt, also don't want to come between him and his wife. It does hurt that I don't know my nieces and nephews in a close way. I am also an adoptive parent of 4 childrenadopted from foster Care.The youngest 2 have the same first Mother (I was approached to adopt the younger sibling When he entered care as an infant). I find that they share a unique connection In part, I think it's because they are close in age but also think it's because they share similar personality (genetic)traits. I see that their older sister is jealous of this connection. I also find that outsiders are insensitive making remarks like "oh, that's her brother"or "they're brother and sister" Despite these difficulties it was the "right" thing to have happen for these two. Being able to maintain their family connection is important.But I do see that this connection "interferes" with the connection that was earlier formed between the 2 sisters through through adoption. Not sure I have a answer for this problem.
ReplyDeleteIn my family the oldest child was bio (sister), and the three younger siblings are adopted (two older brothers, and me, the baby sister). We are all close in age - a 7-year span between oldest and youngest. The favorite in the family was definitely the youngest adopted son, not the bio daughter. But he has a charming, congenial personality he no doubt inherited from somebody. He is a successful salesman, and everybody on the planet that meets him loves him.
ReplyDeleteThe bio daughter is prone to emotional highs and lows, and has a quick temper like our mother. So, she and my parents were often fighting and their relationship was strained.
Nobody played the adoption card in our family. The bio sib was outnumbered! But sometimes my older sister used to say that at least she knew that we three younger kids were "chosen," and Mom and Dad just had to take what they got with her. One time a relative told me that my sister was jealous when my parents adopted kids. She wondered why she wasn't enough for them.
After much debate, I deleted the comment from the anonymous AP who posted.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, I do not normally censor posts but it was very hard for this adoptee to share her thoughts and I had asked people to be supportive.
It is the experience of many adoptees on forums seeking support to receive the responses described by my guest blogger by adoptive parents. I do not feel like she was judging all adoptive parents at all.
My kids are still young so I can't answer for the future. At the moment the feelings are pretty split. My oldest bio son (8 1/2) seems unfazed and would take more siblings regardless of them being natural or biological. My youngest adopted daughter (3 1/2) is still too young to understand much. My youngest bio son (7 1/2) is easily annoyed by his sister and says he sometimes wishes he had only a brother. It is my oldest adopted daughter (5 1/2) that is most affected. She noticed the difference between her and her brothers at 3 1/2 and cried when she found out that I was there when the boys were first born but not when she was. It was heartbreaking. She, however, had a hard time being adopted even as a baby so I am not sure if having siblings that are bio makes worse an already difficult issue.
ReplyDeleteI am a birthmother who has recently reunited with my 19 year old son. His adoptive parents had been trying to have kids for 10 years at the point that they adopted him. They went on to have three bio children with my son being the oldest and then recently adopted a daughter they had been fostering.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was first reunited with my son he told me he always felt that he was treated differently, not bad, just different and that he never felt like he fit in. His siblings really resemble his parents who have distinct features such as blonde hair, blue eyed father with a cleft in his chin and mother with olive color skin, brown eyes and brown hair. My son is very fair with red hair and lots of freckles. He always knew he was adopted but people often added insult to injury as they told him often that he looked just like his adoptive father even though he knew well that he looked nothing like him. Crazy enough he is a carbon copy of his bio dad and that has been really intense for him. He seems to have a good relationship with his adoptive father, but not with his adoptive mom. I definitely think this is a common problem, even for a child who was raised with a lot of love and is successful in his life.
I have to admit that the first time he told me this I made the mistake of telling him that his feeling this way may not be solely related to him being adopted. The reason being, I began thinking of my three children that I'm raising and how I parent each one of them in a different way due to their very different personalities. Looking back now I feel I had no right to tell him that because his feelings are valid and that is how he feels. I have come to realize I can not dispute his feelings no matter what insight I might see in the situation. I feel bad that I may have discouraged him from ever expressing those feelings again like you have here.
Thank you for bringing this issue to light from the most important perspective, the perspective of the adoptee.
I have two adopted kids and no bio kids. I think it's important that the two of them were able to stay together. I'm glad that they'll be able to grow up knowing someone else who is blood-related to them.
ReplyDeleteLet me start by saying thank you very much for sharing in such an open and honest way. I am adopted, and I have one brother who is also adopted and one sister who is not. I can tell you without reservation that I give thanks everyday for the wonderful parents that I have. I can tell you that the choice to place a child up for adoption is most likely the hardest decision a person could ever have to make. In my case I am very thankful that my biological mother was honest enough with herself and her situation to make that heart-wrenching decision. I am certain that it was made out of love. As I learned decades later, my biological mother’s husband was convicted of molesting his son as well as a neighbor child several years after I was born. Needless to say I am very thankful that I was saved from that environment. I am also very aware that although I was saved from that experience I am also certain that many children have also been placed into dangerous, damaging situations through adoption just the same.
ReplyDeleteParenting no matter how it comes about is a challenging, emotional process with a constant seemingly infinite opportunity to get it wrong. I have one mother and one father and although they did not give birth to me they love me as if they did (maybe in a more conscience way). We are all aware of biological families that are dysfunctional, and I am sure we are equally aware of adoptive families that are also dysfunctional.
Allow me to speak from the perspective of an adoptive father. I have both biological and adoptive children, and believe it or not, I do love all of them equally. They are different, and we celebrate the differences. I am sure that I will have many tear-filled nights trying to help my adoptive children come to understand, rejoice, and morn in the way our lives were brought together, just as I have had both celebrations and many tear-filled nights with all of my children as they try and find their place in the world. I pray that I do it in a way that not only honors them as an individual, but also as a beloved family member.
To more directly answer your question. My parents did use phrases like “you have your mom’s chin” etc… I never took that to mean that in some way I carried less worth than my sister. To me that is simply a fact and in just the same way my history is mine and hers was hers. My parents celebrated each of us as individuals.
The stories that are told by adults that have aged out of institutional settings, orphanages, group homes, foster care, etc… are also heart wrenching. The need for adoption is great and although adoption should never be the first option, in many cases it is the best option given the limited alternatives.
Thank you again for sharing.
Tim-an adult adoptee and bio/adoptive father of 6
Thank you for speaking out about this. I am a mom of 2 daughters by way of adoption. When my husband and I decided to adopt we committed to not having biological children for all the reasons you mentioned.
ReplyDeletemaybe I am rare (I hope not) but I think your comment" Be calm, this isn’t about what is in your best interest, this post is about what is in the best interests of the child and while I understand that is on the very bottom of the list of what adoptive parents care about," does NOT represent us. We are not perfect but we are not selfish. We make decisions based on what is best for our girls not us.
Thank you for your post. It touched me deeply, and validated the thoughts I have had regarding my son's experience.
ReplyDeleteMy son's adoptive parents chose to adopt after losing many many children to miscarriage. He was definitely the replacement child for the biological child that they could not have. This showed clearly in the way that he was raised. My son's differences were not celebrated or honored. Instead, he was told that they looked like them (he does not) and that their history was his. It was very jarring, upon reunion, when he told me that he was of French Canadian descent, when that is their biological history and not his AND HE KNEW THIS.
His personality and intellect were and are very different from his adoptive parents. They had no idea how to raise this deeply emotional, intellectually gifted child. They were completely out of their element, because he was not like anybody in their family or anything in their experience. He was and is, however, a combination of his father and I. He fits perfectly into our families, but he won't accept or see that now. He is still struggling to be like his adoptive family, even though they think he needs to be "fixed." It breaks my heart.
The adoptive parents went on to have a "miracle child" several years after my son was adopted. This child was given everything, including health and dental care, that my son was not. I have stopped thinking of the biological child by his name and simply think of him now as "miracle bio boy." My son and miracle bio boy have a very conflicted relationship, with mbb solidly in his parents camp and my son out in the cold. He has always been the outsider, with his nose pressed against the glass looking in.
I will never reconcile the life that my son (who was to be my only child) was promised with the life my son was actually given by his adoptive parents. Adoption, for my son and I, was a leap of faith gone terribly, terribly wrong. What makes it even more sad is that as a young, scared, shamed mother, I didn't understand that the "sainted adoptive parents" who would give my son that fabled "better life" were only human and could never provide my son with the mythological better life guaranteed by the adoption agency. Closed adoption was just a big con job, and all involved have suffered terribly as a result.
Thank you so much for sharing this. As an adoptee with a younger bio brother, I always felt like I was treated a little differently. Growing up NOT looking like anyone in my family just sucked! Especially since my brother is the carbon copy of both parents. It just bothered me so much not to look like anyone, to not know where my blue-green eye color came from, my blonde hair and short stature.
ReplyDeleteI felt as I got older they shared more with my brother than I did with them and I did pull back. Family history was not MY family history...family stories of the old country were not MY stories as they were not my people.
My Aparents passed away a few years ago and I felt bad that I did not grieve for them as my brother did. He was closer to them than I ever was and that is just the way it was. He mentioned on facebook the other day it would have been their 50th wedding anniversary and I did not even remember it was their anniversary.
The phrase "Always on the outside, looking in.." seems to have captured my life growing up. I now know other adoptees grew up feeling the same and it is comforting in a odd, sad sort of way.
I never felt my parents treated me any differently than their bio child.
ReplyDeleteThen again, their bio child had a 10+ age difference, so I didn't really grow up "with him."
It feels like I grew up an only child, and I constantly have to remember that I wasn't.
This is interesting for me to read as I do have bio children and an adopted child. I do think biological bonds do matter. They make bonding easier if nothing else. However, I take issue with the concept of all the children (bio and adopted) being treated "the same". I don't think treating all children the same works whether siblings are adopted or not. I have 4 children; they all have different needs, strengths and weakesses. They are all very different people. I "try" to give each of them what they need but that does not mean I treat them the same. I hope they will all feel they were loved for who they are when they are adults but I doubt ANY of them will say I treated them all the same. I do love them all equally, I can say that without hesitation.
ReplyDeleteKris, it isn't up to you to take issue with any thing an adult adoptee has posted. They have a right to their feelings. I used to think it was a blase lack of knowledge but now I am seeing the deliberate "you have no right to feel that way because I..." that is used to not only silence adult adoptees but to validate adoptive parents.
ReplyDeleteDid I say she didn't have a right to her feelings? I appreciate her posting them here. I was simply writing a response. It was actually more in response (and agreement) with starfishflinger saying he celebrates the differences in his kids. I absolustely agree with that. There was no deliberate intent to say she didn't have a right to her feelings. I thought this was a discussion. Sorry if I offended anyone, I certainly didn't mean to.
ReplyDeleteKriss did you realize your post was all "I,I,I,I" and not at all about how your Children feel and what was in their best interest. I know this article had to be hard for you to read (I hope it was). I Hope you can learn from it and make the best of the situation your family is in.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your comment, Jessica, I just had to swing by your blog to see what made you so entitled to pass judgement on Kris. After doing so, I felt compelled to google a biblical reference, something to do with those who are without sin casting the first stone.
ReplyDeleteIncredible.
I have been working on several projects and have not been able to keep up with this conversation as much as I would have liked.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for your responses.
I thought Kris was also responding to what starfishflinger said as well when I read her response (as she said she was). With what I know from what Kris has said in the past, she understands what adoptees are saying more than most APs/non-adoptees do.
When I read starfishflingers' response, I wanted to respond as well to say that yes, bio families can be as dysfunctional as adoptive families, and yes, there are some children who benefit from being in a new home (as people often remind adoptees who talk about adoption-related hardships). However....
For me, it does not erase or remove the significance of adoption issues. To me it doesn't matter how much better my life is or isn't because of adoption. There are still been times where being adopted genuinely sucks and is super rough. No amount of trying to remind myself how much worse my life could have been has ever solved a problem for me or made me feel better. Finding support and being honest with how I feel and acknowledging that my feelings are valid, has.
Thanks for addressing a hard subject!
ReplyDeleteI'm an adoptee and have three adopted siblings and one bio sibling - the four of us who are adopted are a bit closer but that's probably more likely due to age at this point.
The piece in this whole conversation that I wrestle most with is infertility - most couples choose adoption because they are infertile. And then after their adopted child is a few years old, they miraculously conceive the baby they never thought they could. They are delighted because of the "special" way that God has formed their family.
Alternatively, after years of failing to concieve, they begin the adoption process but low and behold, several months in they finally do concieve so walk away from the adoption.
Now, I am not one to suggest that these situations are not God's will or that abortion is ever the right option. But both situations, and I think both are quite common, suggest parent's unspoken preference for bio children. How many times have you heard of adoptive parents who are later able to concieve decide not to because of their adopted child? I never have.
While I do not personally know the sting of infertility, I don't think adoption should ever be pursued if its a "plan B" to bio children. Our adoption agencies need to do a better job at screening parents beyond the criminial, financial, and typical homestudy types of of things. They need to dig deeper and really understand the motivation and heart of the parents to ensure that a child is placed into the right situation.
I was adopted 5 years after my older (bio) sister was born. She had been born with a cleft palate, I think they were worried about more severe birth defects.
ReplyDeleteBy the time I was placed in the home, my a-mom was just pregnant with my younger sister, who is 13 months younger than I am. I was told by the adoption agency when I got my non id info from them, that my father had called to let them know my a mom was pregnant, but that they'd keep me anyway..I'm glad I didn't find that piece out until recently, because I wouldn't have been able to handle it.
I had a very difficult relationship with my a mom growing up and never felt accepted by her. My two sisters look alike, fair, freckled and I am olive skinned with blue eyes. I was always asked if I was their friend, and would have to say, no I was adopted. They would get terribly sunburned, I would get tanned. They were incredibly gifted students, I was not. I was very visual, they were not at all. The list goes on and on. My a-mom was incapable of encouraging my interests, and whenever I would express them, she would say that's fine, but you're horrible at math & until you perfect that, nothing else matters.
My a parents were divorced when I was 8 and my father went on to have two more bio kids with my step mother. They look alike. They are very similar to my other sisters in terms of interests and abilities. When my brother was about 6, he said that he heard that I wasn't "real" from my step mother.
In my forties now I ultimately have workable relationships with my siblings, no relationship with my a mom since I was 12, and no relationship with my former stepmother.
I am unmarried and have enormous trouble socially in that I freak out when I get too close to people and push them away. I always wonder what life would have been like with my b parents, or even an adoptive family that had similar physical or vocational identities. I don't think mixed families are a good idea regardless of the advantages t the adoptee. I for example have had every material advantage possible, and none of the emotionally stability that comes from being understood. Last year at Christmas, my father made a toast, remarking that we were all the direct offspring of his father. I looked around the room and thought, no actually. This is not my tribe.
I was adopted by a couple who thought they would never have bios. Then 15 mos later they gave birth to twin girls. Father was an alcoholic, mother ice cold. Both gone now and at 49 I am unofficially cutting all ties with the a-sisters. Only my husband knows I am finished with them for good. I could go into 48+ years of reasons but you all have a pretty good idea of what they are.
ReplyDeleteTo give some background: I'm biologically related to my parents. My brother, who is four years younger than me, is adopted. My brother also has three other siblings - a brother who is a year younger than me, a sister who is five years younger than me, and another sister who is seven years younger than me. Our parents had been foster parenting them for years and were planning to adopt all of them as soon as that was possible, but at the last moment their aunt decided that she wanted to raise my brother's other siblings. She chose not to raise my brother because he is physically disabled.
ReplyDeleteObviously, the way that worked out was pretty upsetting for all of us. It was worst for my brother because even though my parents tried to shield him from it, he knew that his aunt didn't want him because of his disability. He felt like it was his fault, which did a number on his self-esteem, and I felt incredibly furious with her on his behalf and on my own behalf because I felt like she had stolen my siblings. Our parents tried to keep all of us kids in touch, but my brother's aunt wasn't particularly into the idea and after a few years we lost contact.
Now my brother and his siblings are back in touch and he's friends with his sisters. I'm friendly with them, but not close to them. My brother and I were and still are very close - he was recently the best man at my wedding. In terms of favoritism, if anything my brother is my parent's favorite because he's the straight one. Clearly things don't work out this well for everyone, but I don't think my family had any problems because my brother is adopted and I'm not. I think part of my family's lack of problems is that my dad isn't biologically related to his three siblings (their mom and his dad married after their spouses died) so he understands being the only non-related child in a family and worked hard to make sure that the alienation he felt didn't happen to my brother. Also, we have cousins who are adopted so my brother isn't an anomaly in our extended family.
Nobody in my fam is adopted but my parents did have difficulty to have a child until they finally got pregnant with me; then I BEGGED for a sister and my little sister was conceived shortly after I did. However, in the case of my best friend; her mom had a very risky pregnancy so after she was born they cut the mom's tubes. Like me, she begged for a little sister, but since they couldn't have children, they decided to adopt a baby girl. Both my friend and I are 7 years apart from our little sisters; yes, the girl was bullied at preschool, but not because she was adopted but because of race issues (she has really dark skin). Now that she's in grade school, the girl and my little sister, both 8 y.o, are best friends. If anyone DARES ask why her sister has green eyes/blonde hair and she has dark skin/black hair/brown eyes, my sister is her savior. Also, the girl isn't embarrassed to say that she's adopted; she actually tells everyone, just like you would tell someone you meet your name. She's really proud because she knows that she was chosen especially, by the mom, the dad, and her older sister, who loves her DEARLY. Both of them are loved equally and they rarely argue with each other (whenever they do, it is about what they're having for lunch [my best friend LOVES chinese food while the baby [[we all call her that because she's ADORABLE]] likes pizza). The mom spends a LOT of time with her, like they watch TV together or go to the park or the movies, since my friend is a teenager she doesn't really spend time with her parents, while they love babying the little girl. She's truly the cutest thing in the world. I'm sorry to hear that that wasn't your case, or many of the other poster's. I guess it depends on the APs FULLY. If they TRULY want a child but cannot have one of their own for X reasons, and they are COMMITTED to love the child as if it were bio, then I suggest go for adoption, as they are giving the child a home (I have an adopted friend [she's an only child] and she told me growing up in an orphanage was hell). But if they ever even SLIGHTLY doubt the fact about loving a child that's not theirs, then they should totally retract from the decision.
ReplyDelete(wow what a large post. Sorry, I had always wanted to discuss this subject. Hope my post helps you see other POVs regarding relationships between the adoptees and the bio family)
Anon, I want to point out some things to you that about what you wrote that you may not realize....
ReplyDelete#1 "I know someone whose sister is adopted" is something adoptees hear all the time. It not the same as being adopted and being able to say for yourself if you feel equal in your family or not.
#2 If there is nothing wrong with being adopted or being different than those who are in the family raising you, then why would it be a huge offense for someone to ask about it?
#3 The way adoptees view being adopted often depends on their stage of development. An adoptee as a young child being excited about adoption is often because they have not entered into developmental stages with more complex thinking yet. It is not that she will some day view adoption negatively. But what happens is that people take the positive child-like thinking about adoption, and then never, ever, never let the adoptee change their minds as they grow older. The response is usually "but you never said anything before, why now?!" Because adoptees as small children may appear to have no ambivalence about being adopted, people neglect to acknowledge that it may become an issue later.
#4 "as if it were their bio" and "a child that's not theirs" --do you see how that might make an adopted person feel? "I love you like you were born to me" --that makes biological birth the standard for who is or isn't someone's child or who is or isn't loved, which is exactly the sentiment we are talking about on this post. Mothers and fathers should love their children because that's their job, not because they view their child as "as if bio." Why is the biological relationship set as the standard of love--especially when the biological relationship is one the adoptee will never have with their APs?
Anon,
ReplyDeleteYou are doing, once again, what has been done for way too many years. You, who are not adopted and have no one adopted in your family, are defending adoption. You are basing this defense on an 8 year old's relationship with her family that you are not really a part of. You can't speak for her, she can't speak for herself as she is only 8 years old.
Can you imagine being so different from your family and knowing that you are here because your sister wanted a sister? If you know such an intimate detail of their life you can bet she does too. So what happens, speaking as an 8 year old, when sister no longer wants you? when you aren't a cute playmate anymore? Your own parents didn't want you and you think that because they don't fight she just loves the situation she is in?
This is exactly what is wrong with adoption. those who are not adopted defending the practice. Talk to us when you are adopted, when you've lived it. Not to say how wonderful it is when you have your own family that you are blood related to, raising you. When you don't look into the faces around you and wonder who you look like. When you don't pass a stranger on the street and wonder if it could be your mom or sister or brother or dad because you know who they are. Post again when you don't have access to your medical information and you have to fill in unknown for every thing.
then you will have a right to post the glowing benefits of adoption.
I have friends that were never adopted but feel that they were treated differently from their other siblings. Unfortunately from what I observed myself in many cases this was true. Though it would be nice to be perfect, this is not always the case. Yes, each child is different and in a perfect world each mother would be fair and loving to all but many of you know that that is not true. There are many mothers out there that don't have the emotional wherewithal to be able to do so.
ReplyDeleteI remember my mother seemingly to treat my sister better than me and I once went crying to my father about it. He explained something to me that I never forgot. He said sometimes a mother feels more protective of a child that needs that protection.
I have 3 children ..I don't show favoritism . One is adopted and 2 bio. I discovered an interesting thing about my bios...Though they are curious individuals they have never once asked me where I got my adopted child. Once, since they are now all adults, my husband thought he should tell one of them where we did and was stopped. My bio did not want to hear anything about it.
What bothers me is that my adopted child aged 25 refuses to meet it's birth mother. I had promised that I would facilitate this. That's why I am surfing and in doing so found this website. Any ideas? I know that there is anger about being 'dumped' and feeling that this family is enough for now.
The older (and bigger) my adoptive family gets, the less I see myself as part of it. I grew up with my older brother (not adopted, Caucasian). I'm Korean and look nothing like my family, duh.
ReplyDeleteNow my brother has a wife and two baby daughters, who look/act just like him and my mom; blue eyes and everything. My mother is pretty excited to have grandchildren too.
I love my nieces, but I'm quite envious of what my mom, brother, and nieces get to share with each other. I'm also envious of what they don't have to think about.
It's hard to sit at the dinner table on holidays, with the entire family, and not think about how I different I am. Even as an adult, it doesn't go away.
Not to offend, but that's the truth.
Welcome, Scott.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing :-)
I was adopted by my aparents who had one biological son already. When I was young I don't feel that I was treated any different. And I certainly wasn't treated different by my abrother. He always treated me as if I was his blood sister. Now that we are in our 40's, we have many differences, I don't feel I can really relate to him and he has stopped speaking to me now for 1.5 years. (An entirely different subject)I think that each family is different and each situation is different. I don't see anything entirely wrong with adopting if you have bio kids too. But I can't discount the fact that some adoptees may have been treated that way. And I find that very sad.
ReplyDeleteI don't think the experience of feeling different and not fitting in are exclusive to adoption. I moved to the states when I was nine and although I love my life here, I still don't think of it as home. I have always felt a little bit different (although I look and sound American to everyone else). Also, we have moved several times so all of my children have struggled with being an outsider. My youngest is adopted internationally and looks wise is the opposite of me. We spend a lot of time as a family talking about culture and things that make us different and the same. I know that looking different from her family and friends is difficult. As adult adoptees, is there anything you would recommend to adoptive parents that might help as she grows up?
ReplyDeleteOk, so I'm "that" adoptive mom that adopted and poof 4 years later I discovered I was pregnant. We hadn't been trying for a pregnancy in over 7 years. Adoption was ALWAYS part of our plan. It was never 2nd choice. We were trying to conceive and trying to adopt at the same time. We tried again and again to adopt a 2nd time...only for it to fall through again and again. I questioned so much why in the world I got pregnant after adoption...it was never my plan.
ReplyDeleteSo...I see the points made in the blog posts...it's resonated in my heart since I found out I was pregnant...but what do we DO? Those of us in this situation...what do we do? How do we change this for our children? It grieves me greatly to think that either of my children will feel "less than" the other. I love them both deeply.
Pam-mom by adoption & birth
This post was very thought provoking...thank you so much for that. It gives me a lot to think about as a mother to two daughters...we adopted our youngest. I think about these kinds of issues a lot. There is only so much a parent can do to help with this. My oldest will ask me, in from of my youngest, when she is mad at sister, if we can send our youngest back to her birth country. I remind her that we don't send her back to the hospital when she is upset, so no...no-one gets sent back anywhere in this family. Or when a relative tells our oldest that she has eyes just like her dad. I turn in tell our youngest that she has eyes just like her birth father too...and a cute gap between her teeth just like her birth mother. Our youngest lights up when she hears this. It's so important to share stories like this in families. Our oldest gets irritated when I wear my necklace that has my youngest birth country on it...wondering why I don't have a necklace with the state she was born in. She wants to know why we talk about our youngest's birth country so much. We talk about all of this openly and take it in stride, but it's all very real and will have an impact on our children. Any advice is very much appreciated.
ReplyDeleteT
There seems to be a great variety of experiences. Much of it I dare say comes down to the individuals personalities together with the way they have attempted to assimilate the idea of adoption into their life.
ReplyDeleteMy a/mother was really unhealthily close to my older sister, who was her natural child. This affected all the relationships in the family; her husband and her other bio child who was 4 years older than me.
Added to this I definitely was discriminated against with the usual sort of nasty comments 'He's my father not yours' or 'My children wouldn't do that.' There was certainly a fair bit of physical and emotional abuse that went on that I didn't realize was adoption related until I got older as I was the youngest.
I feel that having me in the family gave them a sense of superiority and entitlement that in actual fact has affected all our lives negatively. Added to this there seems to be some idea that being adopted I got something extra in that I had another set of parents. " I've got no-one" has been a cry my sister has used since she was a child. As a family we have struggled to keep together but now we have pretty much gone our separate ways.
At the end of the day, I wouldn't wish adoption on anyone.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and feelings. It really does make me think about what we are doing to raise our children to feel equally loved and each an important part of our family.
ReplyDelete"I am leaning more and more towards the idea that the adoption of a child into a family with bio children is not in the child’s best interest" Which child? I think this is one of the problems with adoption discussions today. Sweeping statements negate the importance of what is best for each individual child, whether you are an AP or an adoptee.