photo © 2004 Andrea Allen | more info (via: Wylio)I was recently interviewed about Adoptee Rights and wouldn't you know moments after the reporter published her article some of the very first comments were to remind me who my real parents are. "The adoptive parents are your real parents!" One commenter to the article asserted that Adoptee Rights violated Adoptive Parents' Rights! And I think to myself "really, this again?" I am 26 years old, I haven't lived at home since I was 18 years old. Heck, I know adoptees in their 60's. Why does this have to be seen as being about who our parents are and who is "parenting" us. This statement pits an adoptee between two families as to who owns the adoptee more. Notice, it isn't even the two families doing the tug of war, it's others doing it on their behalf! I have to tell you, as a capable, responsible, autonomous adult, it is extremely marginalizing to be spoken to or having an issue involving your rights viewed that way. Regardless, I sincerely ask myself:
So, who owns me?
My adoptive family raised me. My father worked countless hours to provide for us yet never, ever, ever missed one of my sports games. My mother did crafts with me, she taught me to read, and she was there when I sobbed about teenaged stuffs. They taught me to be kind and generous. My father advocated for me and stood up for me whenever he saw that something wasn't fair. My mother worked for years at a job she didn't like where the tedious movements of secretarial work ached and deteriorated her joints as she suffers from multiple forms of arthritis, because it enabled me to go to a better school. They both joyfully agonize over what the perfect gift is to get each member of my family for holidays. They never miss a moment.
So, who owns me?
My first family gave me my eyes, my nose, my ears, my smile. My hair color that the hairdresser I went to in high school used to compliment me on is from my mother. My body shape, my height, they gave me that too. They gave me my interest in art. They gave me my heritage and DNA. I am related to them in the way that most people think of families being related. I was nurtured with love while my mother was pregnant with me. They celebrated my birthday each year and counted me always among the cousins. Now that we are reunited, my mother never misses a holiday or birthday. We talk like we've known each other forever. She never misses a moment either.
So, who owns me?
I love both of my families very much. And the feeling of belonging is very important; I think most people cherish feeling like they belong. But it remains that I have to say.
This adoptee owns herself.
And that, dear friends, is precisely the reason why being able to hold my own birth certificate in my own hands is so important. Let me grow up; my parents did.
Well done, Amanda!
ReplyDeleteAmen...whether adopted or raised by natural parents, no one owns their children. It is only right and good to raise our children to be autonomous and able to make their own way. When people make those comments to people who were adopted, especially those who are adults out in the world, I have to wonder what frightens them so about this issue? Is it that they can't put it into a simple niche, done and done, and they don't have to answer or ponder any hard questions about it?
ReplyDeleteAmen. People do say this all the time--mostly people not involved in adoption. They say it to me as if they think it's their job to assure me that I am my children's "real mother." I have a habit of talking a lot about my children's "mothers" (without bio, birth, first or natural qualifiers) just to blow their minds a little and get them out of that box. I'm grateful that open adoption allows me to tell my children, "the reason you are so good at reading is because your mother is very smart and loves to read," or "you got those beautiful eyes from your mom."
ReplyDeleteStrangers are always telling me what a "good job" I am doing raising such smart, beautiful kids--"oh you must read to her a lot and that's how she picked it up." And I correct them, "actually, her mother is a genius. It's in her DNA."
I am so tired of the zero-sum game of adoption. We are all family. I want my kids to own themselves and to know exactly where all their pieces came from--and to be able to celebrate them openly whenever they want to.
Even in an open adoption where the real (yeah--I said real and meant it) birth certificate holds no mysteries, it is their RIGHT to have it. It belongs to THEM. It was THEIR birth. I have mine. I want their real ones to keep for them until they are grown and hand on over like my mother did mine.
All of us are hurt by this issue. I wish more adoptive parents realized it though, and jumped on the rights wagon.
This just sprung into my mind when I read your blog. I think it's quite apropos:
ReplyDeleteOn Children
Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
My mother is 68 years old, has a masters from the U of M, her adoptive parents have been dead for over 20 years now, as I assume to be the case of her natural parents, yet she is somehow deemed unfit to possess her own birth certificate. What rights of grand parents could it possibly infringe upon, alive or dead? The argument is ridiculous!
ReplyDeleteAnd as far as the whole “real parent” thing goes my personal belief is that it is for the child to decide, not any parent. I have one natural mother, and have been mothered by many, each just as real to me as the other.
Well said. I am frustrated when I hear, over and over, that I need to remember who my "real" parents are, how grateful I should be that they took me in, and conversely, how grateful I should be that my "birth"mom "lovingly" chose adoption for me--as if they knew the first thing about her and what she went through! It's sickening.
ReplyDeleteI am an adult and can decide for myself what kind of relationship I would like to have with each of my parents; it's up to them to meet me there or not. It is rotten to have strangers speak of me and my allegiances as though they're public business and as though I remain a minor.
Thank you for sharing your own struggle with this. Love you!
I am thankful that I have all three copies of original birth certificates of my children. I am also thankful that I know their father's name--of which none are listed on any of the birth certificates. When my first child's amended birth certificate arrived, I felt a pit in my stomach that there was nothing on it--at all--showing that it was amended and that he was adopted. I think the birth certificates should be combined somehow....
ReplyDelete