I Promised my Son or Daughter Would Reunite but they Don't Want to. What Now?

"What bothers me is that my adopted child aged 25 refuses to meet it's birth mother. I had promised that I would facilitate this. That's why I am surfing and in doing so found this website. Any ideas? I know that there is anger about being 'dumped' and feeling that this family is enough for now."

This was a question posed in the comments section of one the entries on this blog written by a guest blogger about being adopted when the siblings she was raised with are the biological descendants of her parents.  I figured I would address in its own post (and encourage others to give their input in the comments section as well).  I think the question poses a good topic that ought to be discussed.

I know that hindsight isn't very helpful and I won't respond to this situation using hindsight in order to be scolding (in other words, don't take me saying this as if in a scolding tone).  Rather, I want to present this as an example as to why adult adoptee narratives are important.  We talk a lot about how adoption arranges, changes, and seals quite a lot on the behalf of the adoptee where the adoptee cannot consent and it does not appear in situations where said things are arranged, changed, or sealed that what the adoptee might want as an adult is being anticipated.  We grow up, we're not still children, but we're still adopted.  The meaning of adoption to us can change throughout our lifespan.  While we're not talking about the things that are altered and sealed in this particular scenario though.  We are talking about an adoptee who is now a grown adult, and as it appears, does not want the reunion that their parents had been expecting to plan.  Here's where I will say to the adoption community as a whole one thing I think adult adoptees (many, anyway) would agree with is this: anticipate the adulthood of the adoptee.  Remember that with adulthood comes autonomy which is our ability to make choices based on what we think is right for ourselves in our lives, including the adopted part of our lives.

As disappointing as it seems, it is up to both adults to have a relationship or even meet.  If one adult, in this case, the adoptee, is not ready....then they're just not ready.  They have to do what is right for them, not what others hoped or promised they would do.

I think most people know I'm a fan of reunion.  Closure, new beginnings, relationships, information, comfort, peace--so many things can be brought about by an adoptee reconnecting with their original family members.  I think it is because I'm a fan of reunion that I wish for as many reunions as possible to work well for all involved.  Someone who isn't ready to reunite and really doesn't want to but does so any way might be starting off on the wrong foot in a relationships that, had they waited and reconnected later when they knew they were ready, might have had a much better start.

As for the reasons why an adoptee feels the way that they do: you know your son or daughter (to my readers I'll note that the use of "its" in the question was probably to avoid making a more identifying comment by specifying gender) better than I do and have cited some reasons they may have given to you for not wanting to reunite.  Actually being left behind as if your mother didn't care and feeling "dumped" are two different things.  I can be healing to know the circumstances of your surrender but it does not always make the feelings you've had go away.  Also the fear of how to integrate two families is something some adoptees struggle with: integration can seem like a daunting task.  While open adoption is relatively new, for we closed adoption adoptees, there are a lot of step-families out there that could model for us what having two sets of loving, involved parents is like.  But closed adoption never looked for input from step-families with two sets of dedicated parents: we were to mirror the traditional, nuclear family where children have one mother and one father.  Our ties to our other parents are legally severed and sealed.  Embarking on reunion often requires a leap of faith and is entwined with an underlying feeling of uncertainty and standing on new ground; something that may seem overwhelming no matter how much support someone has.

In any situation where someone isn't ready for something the best thing to do is to keep the lines of communication open, have resources available for them when they're ready to access them, offer support throughout, and be accepting--even if they do not choose what you want.  To look for support groups, try contacting Concerned United Birthparents or the American Adoption Congress to see if they are aware of any in your area.

Best of luck,

Photo credit: renjith krishnan