The Adult Adoptee, Adoptive Parent Disconnect Follow-up (and other thoughts too)

Yesterday's post received a lot of feedback and activity, including my visitor counter going off the charts, the comments section rapidly growing, and my email inbox filling with messages (and I'm not saying that in an irritated tone, you're more than welcome to email me any time).  One bit of feedback I received (in addition to many supportive messages) was that people wanted to discuss the content of the post more and really would like the opportunity to do so.  I have brainstormed all of this and this is my reaction to the reactions to the post.

I never, in a million years, would have thought that the post would have received the response that it did.  The regular readers at my blog know I do not dislike someone automatically because of their group membership as an adoptive parent.  They know I have an excellent relationship with my own adoptive parents.  They know there are many adoptive parents that I adore (see the nearly 30 links on my blog roll), consider allies, and frequently link to in my Epic Linkage Saturday posts.  Considering that and the fact that the guest blogger is herself an adoptive mother (and therefore would have been including herself should any generalization been made), I did not foresee that anyone would take what was posted as a generalization about all adoptive parents.  I'm sorry but I respect the adoptive parent allies of adult adoptees, my own parents, the parents of my adoptee friends and Terri herself as an adoptive mother and would not post something that I felt was generalizing to all adoptive parents and thus be insulting to those very same people who mean so much to so many.  I guess I am just surprised that people would assume that this was my intention or Terri's intention.

The following thoughts aren't about yesterday's post but rather to express the dire need for all to participate in adoptee empowerment (and no, this is not a subliminal message to anyone who comented yesterday about being or not being empowering of adoptees, it is about being adopted in a non-adopted society, so please, just read with an open mind):

The Adoptee Rights Movement began in the 1950's with adult adoptee Jean Paton.  She sought to change things for adult adoptees and future generations of adult adoptees.  She started the movement but States were still resistent to make change.  Famed activist and adult adoptee, Florence Fisher was born and was growing up during the era of Paton's work.  Because of the resistance of change, Florence Fisher did not grow up with access to information.  She grew up in the continued era of secrecy where, not only did she not find out she was adopted until she was older (a LDA or Late Discovery Adoptee), but she felt great shame in approaching adoption as a topic in her early years of searching and beginning advocacy.  Fisher is one of the most known  adoptee activists of that time for stepping outside of her comfort-zone and culturally acceptable behavior expected of adoptees in that era to not talk about adoption, to take out advertising to find other adoptees.  She received many letters in return.  Some thanking her for speaking out.  Some flooded with emotion about how her speaking out had made another adoptee feel validated in a world silent about adoption.  Then, there were the angry letters that told her to stop.  Some letters told her to leave well enough alone.  They called her a bastard.  They called her ungrateful.

Fisher founded the Adoptee Liberty Movement Association (ALMA Society) and ALMA sued the State of New York to make change for adoptees, for adoptees to be respected and be treated fairly and equally.  The law, one that was thirty years old when Paton started the Adoptee Rights movement, was about fifty years old when Fisher founded ALMA.  Not everyone liked Fisher's or ALMA's approach.  A big issue for some people was how visible she was making adoptees and adoption by her advertisements.  Some people were very offended. But she kept reaching out and trying to do what she thought was right.  She was trying to make change for adoptees, which in turn, would make change for the next generation.

The next generation who would be, in fact, my most recent guest blogger, Jeff Hancock.  During the time when Fisher was doing her advocacy, Jeff was in that next generation growing up.  However, because of the resistance to change, Jeff's generation still did not get their rights.  The secrecy persisted, the stereotypes from that secrecy persisted, and as Jeff told you today, he did not find out he was adopted until the age of 42 because of that state-enforced secrecy and the resistance to change.  Jeff fights today for the next generation.

But the next generation has now reached adulthood themselves.  The next generation *waves* is mine.  Yes, our records are largely still sealed (in 42 states) because of resistance to change.  Though some of the secrecy and corresponding stigmas have been reduced with the separate issue of open adoptions, however, I still deal with the same stereotypes Paton and Fisher did (I say past-tense because I haven't heard anything about Fisher in a while) and the same ones Jeff does.  I have been called ungrateful.  I have been called a bastard.  I have been called a "stupid and selfish woman" in response to advocating for adoptee issues and adoptee rights on a Yahoo! News article I was featured in.  I have had people demand that I be "grateful" to not have been aborted.  I have had people question whether or not I am my parents' "real daughter" or a valid member of my original family.  I have been called an "angry" and "poorly adjusted" adoptee for feeling slighted by the lack of equality for adoptees in adoption law.

Paton, Fisher, and my friends like Jeff have fought so, so, hard to make it better for each generation of adoptees.  Why am I still the object of the same inequality and the same stereotypes they experience/ed?

The New York law that was 30 years old when Paton started the movement, that aged to 50 years old when Jeff was born and when Fisher openly acknowledging her adoptee status, is now over.eighty.years.old.  Why?

I am not the newest generation of adoptees any more.  But the laws that impacted me, Jeff and friends, Fisher, and Paton's generations are still largely in effect.  That bothers me; so I blog.  I blog for Paton, for Fisher, for Jeff's generation, many of which are my friend's and allies.  I blog for my generation, for empowerment, for understanding.  I blog for the next generation.  I want adoptees to have an irrevocable, indisputable, uncensored, and accepted place at the table.  I do not want them to experience sealed records.  I do not want them to be called bastards.  I do not want them to be told they are ungrateful.  I do not want legislators to ask them too, as I have been asked, if they are grateful for not being aborted.  I do not want them to be told what they are and are not allowed to say about being adopted.  I do not want people to tell them they are not real sons and daughters to their families.  I do not want them to feel the same cloak of invisibility and secrecy that Paton, Fisher, Jeff, and I have felt.  This is what these unchanged laws do to societal opinion.  I do not want that for them.

So I advocate.  So I blog.

Things are not better, as open adoption tends to lead people to believe they are. Open adoption has helped with the visibility and openness of adoption in certain ways. However, while 7 states have restored Adoptee Rights, granting them equality and therefore respect, other states have become more tightly closed. The issue of adoptee inequality is getting worse as other policies change. Without an original birth certificate, adoptees have and/or will have issues with everything from voting, getting a driver's license, obtaining a passport, security clearances for employment, and running for public office. There needs to be a sense of urgency about this issue: not only for the way that it perpetuates the societal oppression of adopted people but the way it limits their basic freedoms as United States citizens as well.

Not everyone will like what I say or how I say it.  I will not always say everything perfectly.  My writing style may be tolerable, thoroughly enjoyable, or completely tiresome to some.  I know what I write, how I present topics, and my perceptions of the world around me are not for everyone.  People's opinions on and experiences within adoption are as vast and numerous as those who live adoption each and every single day of their lives.  There are people who won't like my blog which is the great thing about there being numerous adoptee advocacy-based resources and hundreds of adoptee blogs out there (over 120 on my blog roll).  I do not consider myself to be the only authority (or any authority really) on these issues; I in fact, learn daily from other adoptees.  Find one that speaks to you, that you want to follow along with in their work, and follow.  Lend your support, validate, give them encouragement, listen to the issues adoptees face, and work to make positive change that will impact adoptees.  Do not let this newest generation of adoptees experience the discrimination and stereotypes we did.  Do not let the basic freedoms of adoptees become further compromised.  People need to care about this.  Caring does not require you to agree with me, like my blog, or anything else an adult adoptee has to say--though I wish more people were open to our voices as I believe adult adoptees hold the very keys to unlock the doors for change. 

All it requires is for each and every person to want to advocate for and respect the adopted persons in their life whom they want the best for.

In a closing note, I wanted to let everyone know that I did some editing on a few sentences within Terri's post from yesterday.  The reason I did this is so that people who would be new to reading it would clearly be able to see that she was not generalizing herself or other adoptive parents.  I think it is important for people to read the post and ponder the content free from the disagreement that transpired in the comments section yesterday.  I received some emails asking if comments could be opened back up because they would like to discuss Terri's post.  I think after people have had a chance to read the revised version, I will indeed open the comments back up.

Thank you.