Amanda says,
Last year, on an adoption site professing to be for everyone in the "triad," there was a post about adoption disruption that sent many reeling--adult adoptees especially but original and adoptive parents too. The majority of the adoptee opinions were offended by having such a post on a site that included them as an audience: they wondered why anyone would think we would want to hear about an adoptee being re-surrenderd, going without a family. Few of the people who aligned against the adoptee opinions stopped to consider what it felt like for many adoptees to have arrived into your family in a different way than your non-adopted/biologically-raised siblings and worry if your place there was just as permanent. It was a very real feeling for many adoptees, not necessarily because their childhoods were bad or their adoptive parents did something wrong (so hold that stereotyping please), many simply because this is how they viewed adoption through their own lens and personality, to feel they had to earn their place. Sometimes it's the very reasons someone is adopted, innocent enough to be shared with an adoptee, that sends the message "I was adopted for this purpose, to fill this need, to correct this problem. I better behave or I won't be welcome here." You can imagine what it feels like, then, to have felt your place was conditional or that at least society views you that way, to happen upon a page about disruptions--then to be called unhappy, mal-adjusted, and judgemental for expressing how it made you feel.
As someone who was raised as an only child, I've often wondered what it was like to grow up with an adopted sibling who had serious emotional and behavioral problems. What did that adoptee observe in their sibling or in their family: how did it make them feel, what worries did they have? And, whatever happened to their sibling? I happen to have a good friend whose adopted sibling has such problems who I've been fortunate to learn a lot from. A different friend of mine contacted me, wanting to share the letter below with my readers. I mentioned the above fiasco in prelude to the post to prevent the same thing here with my friend's letter: a letter designed to share how having an adopted sibling with severe emotional and behavioral problems and the topic of adoption dissolutions makes her feel.Dear Readers,
Way back in the 60’s, long before there were a list of acronyms to label adoptees, one family showed that forever, actually meant forever. There was no knowledge to be gleaned from others. There was no mental health services available. No post adoption specialized support. For this adoption they knew going in there was possible mental illness within the family, but chose to proceed anyway. When my sister reached puberty the rages started, and our parents did their best walking through a minefield of unknowns. They responded with gentle voices and only showed love in return. The rages happened daily and you could watch my sister turn from happy and engaged to raging in an instant. The raging was verbal and physical and severe, primarily directed at our mother.
At one point they thought perhaps staying with a family friend who had children her age might have helped her. For a while, it did. However, this honeymoon period did not last and her uncontrollable outrage returned. Our parents tried to place her for a short stint in a hospital, the staff promised they could help. Soon our parents realized the professionals had just turned her into a zombie on drugs; they brought her home.
The entire family, all of us, toughed it out.
We did so, day after day, never knowing what would happen or when the fits of rage would be unleashed on us. Holidays were times of walking on egg shells always waiting for one of her episodes to bring an end to the festivities. Was it hard on us, the other children? You bet. Do each of us carry emotional scars because of it? Absolutely. Was holding on to her as a family member the right thing to do?
Yes.
Now half a century later we're still family. To my parents, when they adopted, they adopted for life. Adoption is a commitment for life the same as when you bring a child into your life through birth. You seek help but when the help doesn’t work you still preserve and look for other ways and things to try.
No, there are no easy answers. The many years that the rages lasted with her episodes coming and going, her long-term ability to be a productive adult never materialized. This never made our parents falter or turn away from their responsibility to their child whom they had chosen to adopt and made a commitment to. They willingly took on that responsibility and through good and bad they continued on. That child, now adult was treated exactly the same way they would have treated a biological child: with support, forgiveness, and love.
Looking at the disruptions that seem to be happening with increasing frequency, it is hard not to judge those families. It is hard not get angry and upset at another adoptee, losing yet again, a family that should by all rights be their last family.
Signed,
One of the Other Children in the Family
As an adoptee, I am put off by the "returning" of "damaged goods" simply because it again highlights that we are different from the non-adopted population, that we might just be not good enough, as so many of us secretly fear. Families who have biological children with issues have no "return privileges" with them, so why with us? I volunteer in pet rescue and this issue constantly reminds me of people who adopt a pet, only to return it one or several years later with lame excuses: "We're moving" or "We're pregnant" or (my particular favorite) "We redecorated and the pet no longer fits the color scheme."
ReplyDeleteWow. I am working on a post for my blog about my experiences growing up with a special needs sibling. The post is scheduled to go live on Earth Stains on Monday. My brother has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. The adoption agency did not tell my parents that his birth mother drank. His disabilities did not become apparent until late grade school. My brother can read and write, but has difficulties with rational reasoning and planning for the future. And he is prone to mood swings, and violent outbursts. I could go on and on about it.
ReplyDeleteMy father set up a special needs trust in his will for my brother. Dad did not want my brother to get his full inheritance in a lump sum, because the money would be gone within the year and then there would be no financial resources to take care of him as he aged. My sister and other adoptive brother administer the trust. It's a huge challenge for them. Sam doesn't understand why the trust.
There was never any talk about disrupting Sam's the adoption. He was my parents' son. We siblings are very committed to doing our best to take care of Sam's special needs. My sister, the only bio child of my parents is particularly dedicated to Sam. We're a family, and we have to stick together.
Of course or that crap the agencies spout about 'forever family' is just that, totally meaningless crap.I have been around family disruption all my adult life in one way and another, almost 50 years. I have watched the gradual progression of disintegrating committment in family life.Parents who have no idea that their differing parenting styles will impact on the kids, no idea that their relationship difficulties impacts on the family and people who believe caring for a family means working away to earn heaps of money so you can buy them a house when they're become an adult!The examples in adoption are everywhere you look, on blogs which should be private, forums that should be shut down and in the heartrending things adopters do to adoptees in the name of adoption, love and care.Many adopters seem to believe they're doing better than our parents did!!From my perspective of being an adoptee for 67 years I can tell you it's much worse and I fear for the future of many young adoptees.Yes of course there are those who try hard, do the best job they can and would never 'rehome' but there are far,far too many who would and do.Often they have been misled and hoodwinked by agencies, institutions and the unscrupulous adoption industry.Adoption is a worse place to be for adoptees than it's ever been. November, you're on your last day!
ReplyDeleteBeing there through thick and thin was the original intention of adoption at least starting in the BSE. Adopted children were to be full members of the family. Even the term disruption frightens me. It sounds like it was designed to soften what is really happening, that the child is being tossed out once again. I don't like the terms failed adoption or adoption disruption. I guess now it is no longer the case that adoptees are family members no matter what.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI am glad there are parents who remain committed to their children, adopted and bio. Unfortunately many, many parents place their children, often with much less impetus than in the poster's scenario. I unfortunately see parents placing their children out of the home on a horrifyingly regular basis. Kids as young as 5 who are "bad to the core" to hear parents tell it. Teens placed daily. All too often a parent had expectations of a child to fill a void, repair a trauma, give the parent unconditional love, whatever it may be. And when the poor kid fails to fulfill that role, they are scapegoated, pushed out, abandoned.
ReplyDelete