Inspirational Sundays: Defining Family

I have to share something that a professor of mine said in class a few weeks back.  Right as he said it, I quickly jotted it down in my notebook so that I wouldn't forget it.

He said:

"Be careful not to define 'family' too narrowly for someone else.  Family is a source of strength for many people."

The context of the conversation was the Strengths Perspective.  This means helping people overcome problems by focusing on the strengths they have to help them do so.  We discussed how many people define family differently and include people as being "family" that perhaps someone else wouldn't define family for themselves in the same way.  In essence, it is important not to take your own definition of family and exclude individuals another person feels are family to them, because you could be potentially eliminating sources of strength for that person.

According to one of my textbooks (Kirst-Ashman & Hull, 2009), here are some great things about strengths:

1. Instead of focusing on problems or deficits, you are focusing on something empowering.
2. Strengths give people positive feedback about themselves and build confidence.
3. Acknowledging someones strengths shows that you respect them.
4. Strengths are not just positive but are something concrete to focus on.

(We're not talking about something extreme here where you stumble around with rose-colored glasses and avoid reality.  All people have strengths: that is a reality of being human).

Doesn't this too often happen when it comes to adult adoptees seeking support?  They're told, from a variety of perspectives, who family can and cannot be.  Sometimes people say that the adoptive family isn't 'real' family and that the adoptee is only an honorary member.  Sometimes, and the law enforces, people say that the original family isn't family any more.  Nature is completely removed from importance and nurture is often embraced as the only source of strength and family an adopted person can have.  Adoptees who attempt to find more information about their original family or attempt to integrate their two families are often greeted with confused or sour facial expressions asking "now how does that work" or "isn't your adopted family offended by that?"  How someone else defines family does not mean you are required to alter your own definition for your own family.  No one should take how an adoptee feels about family and finds strength personally.  Their definition for family is about them, not you.

Whether it be a friend, caretaker, adoptive family, original family, foster family, or the workers who looked after you as a foster kid (the list goes on) people hold a special place for others in their lives and hearts for good reasons.  No matter how someone chooses to see their various family members or wants to include members in their family using a definition that doesn't make sense to another person, it's really up to them.

Photo credit: Rawich