The Balance of Power and Adoption

This entry was actually a part of another post that I have been typing over a period of time.  It was getting long so I decided that I would separate it into it own blog post.  There have been several posts made recently, both on my blog and on other adoptee blogs, where more adoptive parents and prospective adoptive parents than likely usual have come to read and comment here and on other adoptee blogs.  I'm not used to having a lot of adoptive parents comment on my blog when talking about adoptee issues (the ones who do, you = awesome!) and when I get traffic like that, it is usually because I've written something that specifically includes adoptive parents as a topic.  Usually what happens on these posts is that adoptive parents state that the adoptee was not nice enough or that generalizations were made.  The adoptees in turn feel censored, knowing that the disapproval of our voices and opinions, the only ones in the triad who can tell anyone what being adopted is like, means that fewer people are listening.  I have been thinking long and hard about how to explain how many adoptees perceive the balance of power in adoption and thus, who gets listened to, which is one reason many of these discourses go awry.

On a blog entry written by Malinda, an adoptive mom I adore who writes about issues in adoption, someone commented to her that they like the entries where she doesn't blog about pointing out problems in adoption. The commenter then went on to say that Malinda should write about different things instead of how terrible adoptive parents are for adopting kids. The thing is, Malinda doesn't write about how terrible adoptive parents are. Sure, she's called out ignorance where she's seen it--calling out the ignorance, not labeling a whole group. People should understand, adoption is an institution, not a person. Calling out huge problems for what they are does not mean any individual person or a whole group of people are being insulted. We have to talk about problems as they exist and as they arise. It is not fair to the most vulnerable populations on our earth not to.

I feel like it is very important to groups with power in adoption to promote ethics and reform in adoption as well as make sure that those whom adoption impacts who have less of a voice are heard. And I really mean heard not "heard......if I like your experience or views and have given it the seal of approval." In the "constellation" there are some people who have more power to make change and be heard than others. One group that tends to be heard more than others is adoptive parents. For one, they tend to be of a higher socioeconomic status than other constellation members and with money comes power. For another, in our culture and society, they simply tend to be the default, go-to people whenever someone wants to know something about adoption. I have written many times in the past about how adoptive parents are often asked to speak about adoptee rights in national media without even one adult adoptee being present for the discussion.  One most poignant example of this was a radio show last year on adoptee rights where an adoptive father and head of an adoption organization debated an adoptive mother professor/lawyer about what adult adoptees and original parents should have or not have, do or not do, with not so much as one adult adoptee or original parent present to speak for themselves.  This was despite the fact that an adult adopte lead, Adoptee Rights organization, who was overseeing an Adoptee Rights bill that was pending in that particular state's General Assembly, was available for comment located not 45 minutes from where the interview took place----and was never once approached to be included.

A physician I once worked with when I coordinated Social Services for the rehab unit of a nursing home once sheepishly admitted to me that he didn't even realize adult adoptees existed.  "I've dealt with many prospective adoptive parents needing physicals to adopt."  Explaining his picture of adoption from his perspective.  "Of course I know that adopted children grow up and become adults.  But it never dawned on me that they'd still be adopted and that they'd have something to say about it.  It makes sense now that you mention it.  But it just never occured to me that way.  I just never thought about it."

Oh, to be invisible.  Right there, willing to share, but invisible.

It is not as though I cannot empathize.  Another power-holder in the adoption constellation are Social Workers, namely, adoption workers (but a group people often blanket as just being "Social Workers").  In my community, I hear all about how people felt disservice was done to them by "Social Workers" or how they felt that the "Social Workers" are "this" or "that" as a result of the imbalance of power in an institution that impacts lives.  I am a former Social Services professional and am a Social Work major (not adoption work).  I can honestly tell you that it does not bother me to hear people say they do not feel they were well served by Social Workers when it came to adoption: that is their opinion from their experience. They are entitled to it and their own perceptions as someone who did not have power in a situation or institution. It does not bother me when someone who has been adversely impacted by adoption perceives that "Social Workers" (meaning "adoption workers") don't "get it" or that their experience has been that Social Workers they've talked to do not understand their loss or experience. I do not feel like I am being judged. I do not feel like they are painting us all with the same brush, even if they did not put a million disclaimers in what they said adamantly letting everyone know they meant this Social Worker or that Social Worker not all Social Workers.  I believe it is really important for Social Workers, no matter what line of work they are in, to listen to how their influence has impacted those whose paths they have crossed.

I know there are people who won't like this blog entry and I can't help that.  Yes, I know that there are always instances where people are being unkind to each other and of course saying how genuine rudeness makes you feel is understandable.  But talking about your place as a minority in a system where there is unearned power held by other people, whether it be by race, class, sexual orientation, religion, so on and so forth, is so much beyond that.  It's beyond being about hurting feelings or being rude.  To be in a place where you have the least amount of power and be told your message must cater, please, or portray only in a certain light those who have power, or else the power-holders will not hear you or let you be heard, is a perfect example of what being on the powerless end of a system is like.  To the APs who have emailed me, so very many of you, who have often said "I felt generalized at first, or didn't understand, and then I flipped it to imagine how the adoptee felt and then I understood"--thank you.  I think many adoptees I know would appreciate hearing something like that.  Those of us who have power where others do not need to, nay, have an obligation, to listen to those who are invisible, vulnerable, or otherwise oppressed. And it is not up to us to say who is valid or who is not. It is not up to us to say that only those who speak nicely enough about their experience as an oppressed, invisible, or vulnerable person are allowed to be heard.

Photo credit: worradmu