Flash back to a few weeks ago I am at a baby shower eating cake. I am anticipating the on-coming sugar rush when the mother of a good friend starts asking me about my reunion. I happily answer her questions seeing she's genuinely curious. She then turns to someone I don't know who is sort-of eavesdropping on the conversation and tells them that I'm adopted and I've reunited. I'm not mad but I am thinking would all adoptees want someone to randomly tell another person they're adopted like that? It's then that I remember something else.
Go back months prior and I see an acquaintance in the parking lot and she and her husband, who I discover is a board member of a prominent Pro-Life group, walk me and my adoptive mother to my car. They point out my Adoptee Rights bumper sticker and I explain what Adoptee Rights is. I see the look on their faces that I would recognize anywhere and the words form on their lips "who's the one who is adopted?" and I know they're assuming that I have adopted children (the concept of "adult adoptees" does not exist to many people, remember?) and my a-mom chirps in "she's adopted! Isn't my daughter wonderful?" If you know us you know this was both heartwarming, amazing, and irksome at the same time. Heartwarming because my mom totally loves me. Amazing because she's actually voluntarily, proudly, talking about adoption in the context of difference whereas before our family's focus has always been on how we're no different and adoption has no relevance. And irksome because I would not have been chosen to be "outed" as an adoptee to a staunch Pro-Lifer. That stands to open me up to a world of comments that I do not like to hear. I do not want to hear about how lucky I am because I wasn't aborted or about the "selfless" choice my mother must have made. I do not want to have to ruin everyones day by getting my "angry adoptee" (I'm being facetious) and "my-mother's-choices-are-none-of-your-business-feminist" hats on and going against the grain.
Luckily, no such response was made and we went on our merry way.
Those who memories are precisely why I wouldn't "out" my friend. Her experience as the sister to quite a few adoptees is her own experience and if she's not chiming in, there is a reason. Her adopted siblings' narratives are their own to tell as well. I have to treat her and her siblings the way that I would want to be treated. Usually, I am very open about being adopted and open with my views on most adoption topics. However, there are instances where I wouldn't choose to share something with someone or wouldn't want someone to share something on my behalf to someone else. Someone may be itching for me to share something about myself to someone else about being adopted whether to make a point or because they thought the story was cool. But that person needs to remember that they don't have to deal with the aftermath. They don't have to deal with what adoptee may very well end up having to deal with when being adopted gets brought up: the probing personal questions into every aspect of your life people like to ask adoptees or the insulting stereotypes or heavy subject matter getting dragged out onto the table that the adult adoptee just doesn't want to address with a stranger right a the moment. Obviously, not everyone responds that way but it does happen.
I am not talking about not telling anyone an adopted child is adopted or saying it's better in-general that people pretend adoption connections don't exist or aren't relevant--because I don't believe that's right. No, this is about conversations, new friendships, and acquaintances and adult adoptee-directed self disclosure. This is less about keeping secrets and more about respecting boundaries. I realize the importance of this the more adoptees I meet. Some have families who talk about adoption openly and you can mention it at any time. Other adoptees are welcome to talk about it in front of some family members but not others. Some adoptees have friends who are more supportive than others. In essence, it's generally not a good idea to open up a can of worms for someone else when you're not going to have to deal with the repercussions of what you've disclosed.
Photo credit: David Castillo Dominici
I agree completely. I always enjoyed starting a new job because no one knew, but at the same time I always wondered how long before my status would be revealed.
ReplyDeleteThough I'm not an adoptee so I can't relate on that level, I agree with your point on a general level. There are certain things that I believe strongly but I don't *always* want to have to get into every discussion about those topics. I like to give myself permission to save myself the emotional energy when I feel like it!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely! We wouldn't dream of outing people in some other groups without their permission.It sometimes feels as if not only were we commodified but we were commodified for the use of all!
ReplyDeleteIt's definitely a good idea not to "out" anyone. I'm making an effort not to do this to my own children (who are minors).
ReplyDeleteDitto! I always enjoyed starting anything new because no one labels me as an adoptive parent, but at the same time I always wonder how long before my status is revealed and someone outs me and then all the nosy questions begin.
ReplyDeleteI agree. It's not good to "out" anyone, ever.
This is the other side of the coin from being a birth mother.
ReplyDeleteThis is why we first mothers don't go blabbing our reality everywhere--when people think of adoption--like the woman in the parking lot--they think only of the adoptive parents, as she may have assumed you were. I know when I fully answer the question, Do you have children, it's not going to be a simple response. There are times I just can't deal with the discussion that this leads to. Too exhausting.
The only trouble is, so many of us, both birth mothers and our (adopted-out) children, don't speak up that it prevents more people knowing about the archaic laws that keep the original birth records are sealed to the very people they refer to.
'Tis a conundrum.
When I can handle it, I speak up now, plainly and simply, and then usually try to move the discussion away from the bombshell I have just dropped. Like all of you, I do have another life that has nothing to do with adoption, but then my giving up my child more than for decades ago has completely colored my life.
Good on you.
ReplyDeleteIt is never appropriate to "out" someone else's secrets unless it is for their own safety, and then only to those in a position to get the person help. A person's secret is theirs to reveal, no matter what the secret is, and revealing someone else's secrets is gossip.
For years I have had to endure the comments and stares that met our multi-racial/cultural family on arrival to our "new" home. Seemed my inlaws felt justified preempting our arrival with information and backstory that they not only did not have permission to share, but did so only to dis-sway any surprises/implication or negative reaction when their brother/son and family returned to the country. My read: if it is not your business, it is not your story, no matter how you ingratiate yourself as a side mention to the case.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to Lorraine. I am an adoptee who has had two still born children and every time some one asks how many children I "have", I say that I 'have" three. ( three living) Your life is nobody else's business. It has been my experience (over 40 years) that people will always gossip, and if I tell one person, then another will often make oblique comments or statements about my issues, waiting for me to take the bait, or they just make a very strong point which generally I don't wish to take up. Although here in Australia adoption is more open, I am actually finding many of the pro adoption attitudes difficult to tolerate. I have gone back to keeping it a secret, particularly in the workplace. In my experience it is generally adoptive parents or partners of an adopted person who talk openly, and I often wonder how the adopted person in question feels about this.
ReplyDelete