It's Never Selfish to Love Yourself



Ornament my mother-in-law and I
made together for my aunt.

 I promised I would post my Christmas reflections.  So here they are.  I think reunion and investigating the relevance of adoption in one's life often involves considering other people as much as it does considering ones self.  An adoptee may seek reunion while worrying about their adoptive parents being upset and at the same time worrying that they'll be rejected once they've found their original family.  Many adoptees whose reunions I have witnessed have tiptoed carefully through a minefield they have perceived that was in front of them and worrying about stepping on the wrong area and causing an upset. 
When I reflect on myself during the reunion process, I realize that I too was this adoptee.  I ask myself now if I ever stopped to consider my self and my own feelings during the process and what I've found is that the culture of closed adoption caused me to feel so entirely selfish for seeking reunion that considering my own needs and feelings instead of worrying about catering to others whom I worried about "upsetting" was something I put on the back burner.  I know now that I was lucky to have adoptive parents who are supportive as well as an original family who is supportive.  I realize many adoptees do not always have this support, or they're afraid to ask for it, and it is humbling to think of their experience.  It dawned on me this Christmas that one big thing I did this year for myself was investigate self, investigate concepts of self, and come to an important integration of what "self," "selfish," and "selfless" mean to me in my own belief system as a person, as a woman, and an adoptee.

I think the greatest lesson I learned this year is that loving yourself is never selfish.

I asked myself this Christmas how much my concepts of "selfless" and "selfish" have lined up with my own belief system thus far in my life.  The truth of the matter is, they haven't lined up.  I have not always balanced my own needs with the needs of others in my relationships.  I haven't always stood my ground when I should have.  And the whole "you're being selfish" retort to reunion and Adoptee Rights that adoptees often hear still stings from time to time.  I realize that this is a conflict between two belief systems: my past one and my present.  In my Christian community growing up, the further you could get from the concept of "self," the better.  I think this translates to something deeper than that when it comes to women.  A lot of Bible verses perceived to be about "selflessness" were misapplied: such as Matthew 4:51 where Jesus told his followers to walk a second mile if they were asked to walk one mile.  That verse is honestly more about dealing with oppression, so in essence self-preservation, than it was selflessness (the "walking a mile" is a specific Roman reference).  In my twenties, I rejected this concept of give, give, give, be "selfless," and always put everyone else before your self.

I no longer see the concept of "selflessness" as entirely moral.  Since the dawn of time, people have been asking themselves "what is moral?"  Philosophers (no, I am not saying I am a philosopher) have even tried to come up with hard, fast rules such as what is moral is what benefits most people, what is moral is what benefits self, or what is moral is what would cause a positive impact if everyone in the same situation did the same action at the same time.  But none of these rules are hard nor fast in absolutely every situation.  My ethical principles are perhaps no better but they work for me.  The Pharisees, trying to trip Jesus up, asked him to say which commandment was the greatest: he replied that the greatest commandment was to love God and to love others.  What they failed so see that all 10 of "The 10 Commandments" fall under these two categories, under the one category of "loving God," really.  In the "least of these" passage we learn that how we love others IS how we love God. This summary is where I derive what is right and wrong for me from and I would follow it whether I was spiritual/religious or not.  For me, what is right is what does not cause harm to others or self.  Of course, there is no hard and fast rule that determines always, in every situation, what that means.  Intelect, conscience, the wise old souls in our lives--these are all tools God gives us to help us along our way.

Why self?

You can't give what you don't have.  You cannot keep running if you do not take time to fuel up.  Because you are just as important as anyone else is.  Within the concept of loving others should automatically always be the implication of equally loving self, though we don't often treat it that way.  How can we really love others the way we love ourselves if we do not love ourselves to begin with?  I have come to realize that life does not always have to be about extremes.  The aversion to being "selfish" does not mean that one has to go the opposite way and completely abandon self.  Nurturing and loving self does not mean that one has to indulge in narcissistic behavior or validate the narcissistic behavior of others.

Loving one's self is about balance.  It boils down to being just as much as much about others as it is for you.  When I think about it, what I want most for my friends and family is for them to see themselves and love themselves and take care of themselves as much as I want those things for them.  I need to think highly of them enough to realize that they want the exact same thing for me and to act on it.  My in-laws selected Christmas presents for me so that they could see my face light up in delight.  My parents selected Christmas presents for me to see my face soften in relief that some of my burdens were taken care of (they gave us money toward a new dishwasher!).  My original mother and original aunt spent all Christmas complimenting the pictures I posted and telling me how much I look like them and am beautiful.  I had done the same with my gifts for them.  What I have come to understand is that those truly interested in being in my life are interested in me, the genuine me, and knowing that person.  I cannot allow them to love me, to benefit from who I am, if I do not know who I am to begin with.  I gave the gift of my Self this year in the gifts I chose to give others because that is what they really wanted all along.  I needed to love that self and know that self in order to be genuine in doing so.

Always remember, someone who expects you to operate or make decisions based on complete self-abandonment is doing you no favors.

So love yourself.  You are worth it.