An Open Letter to the Adult Adoptee Considering a Search

Dear Adult Adoptee,

 In this age where increasing amounts of adoption begin as "open" and the facade that there are no secrets in adoption develops as a result, you may feel like your experience has been forgotten. There are people who haven't forgotten. Your experience has not been lost or thrown to the wayside. There are people who understand and identify with the questions that you ask yourself, the thoughts you push to the back of your mind, and the possibilities you cannot seem to allow yourself to consider. Should you search? Should you seek to reunite? You weigh the pros and cons in your mind and perhaps do not even know where to begin.



There is no guarantee that you'll find anything or anyone. Depending on the type of adoption, the type of facilitator of your adoption, and the state you were born in, finding out information about yourself may be no small task. I never realized how emotional it would be unfolding pieces of my life pre-adoption. I was not prepared for how turning over a small government envelope and watching the first newborn pictures of myself that I had ever in my life seen, tumble out into my lap, would impact me.  I was very good at shoving adoption out of my mind but it did not work for me that way any longer once I started to search.  Once I made that decision, investigating adoption's impact on my life and the reality of the impact on both of my families became unavoidable.  But I was up for working through this decision.  Searching was trying and emotional but I would never choose to un-know what I now know about my origins--both the good and the bad.  I am glad too, because this means my kids will have my half of their information.  It belongs to them too.

There is no guarantee that you will be accepted at reunion or that reunion or relationship will mean the same things to you as it does to the family member that you find. People enter into reunion with different expectations of each other and it can translate into problems when one person is not at the same level of commitment as the other. Expectations can set a reunion off on a rocky start.  Rejection hurts; it is important to have support in place.

There is no guarantee that your parents will support you. This seems horrible to say but I know too many adoptees whose parents have made the reunion about themselves or who were deeply hurt by their son or daughter searching to be ale to say flat out to every person "your parents will understand." The closed adoption system created a culture where our parents were never prepared to have adoption out in the open like this or to integrate another family or information from another family. Knowledge and help from my parents during my reunion was an empowering experience for me. It brought us closer and it helped them get to know me even better because I began to know myself. 

There is no guarantee that you will find healing. Perhaps this is the most important part of this.  You cannot rely on another person or an event going the perfect way to find healing or resolution to a problem in your life (if there is a problem). Patterns of hurt and healing are inevitable, unavoidable parts of life and human relationships. But being whole cannot hinge on the actions of another person. To expect so is to say that things can never be OK if something doesn't go just the right way-and that simply isn't true.  To refuse to be whole because of conditions that you've made yourself upon which wholeness is contingent is to surrender to victimhood rather than to take back your power in your place in adoption as someone who once had no power, no say in the manipulation of your destiny.  Be courageous, be wise, do not be a victim.  Reunions won't always go perfectly, family members won't always be supportive, the related bureaucracies can be oppressive, and you may not end up finding what you are looking for.  This is the reality.  But it has to be OK anyway, you have to know you can still be whole and reach for that wholeness. You must realize you are worth love, support, and happiness and that no circumstance takes that away.

 It is not your job to fix anyone else, either. Your wants and needs matter just as much as the next person's.

There is no guarantee that others will understand, be supportive, or that they won't make comments that will hurt your feelings. This is where we adoptees need to keep in mind that our reunion efforts are not the business of just anyone who asks. You owe nothing to the nosy neighbor, the gossipy coworker, or any person who will not handle your feelings with care. Seek the support of those who will support you and God bless them for it. Justifying yourself to people who haven't a clue about adoption to begin with will only wear you out.

 I am a supporter of reunion so it may seem strange that I would emphasize the things that cannot be guaranteed. So why reach out to adoptees thinking of searching to begin with? First, I need to be honest because I do not believe in sewing seeds of false hope. I never in a million years thought that I would be eagerly, immediately, and unconditionally welcomed by more than a dozen aunts and uncles, more than 30 first cousins, and a mother. This is especially because of the very sensitive (more so than your typical surrender circumstances) surrounding my conception and surrender. I can't in good conscience guarantee to another adoptee that things will be just the same for them.

I feel like sometimes people who want to search use the fact that there are no guarantees to put off what they truly desire to do as a cover for deeper fears.  So, I agree with you, there are no guarantees.  But there are also possibilities and so long as there are possibilities, does it makes sense to put off something you want to do, if you really, truly, want to do it?  No matter what the outcome of finding or not finding or being accepted or rejected, I have never met an adoptee (and between Facebook, in person, and in my day to day life I have encountered hundreds of adult adoptees) who regretted knowing more about their life pre-adoption. Being accepted is a possibility. Having your parents support you is a possibility. Finding understanding is a possibility. Healing or self-betterment, though I would not hinge those things on search and reunion going just the right way, are possibilities.

What I can guarantee is that you are not alone in the world. There are adoptees walking in your shoes right this very minute or who have been there. If you need to hear these words, here they are: wanting to know more about yourself or wanting to reunite does not make you a selfish, disloyal, angry, unhappy, or a bad person. It makes you a human being, an adoptee, who simply wants to know and embrace what others take for granted. You have a right to access what pertains to your life. You have a right to choose not to access it. No one should judge you for wanting to seek what is rightfully yours so please do not make the mistake of judging yourself.

Yours Truly,

A Reunited Adult Adoptee