The [Usual] Mini-Speech
When someone asks me for my opinion on adopting, I tell them how I honestly feel. I tell them I feel it is most important to look into foster care adoptions. Yes, there are mothers who, even if offered proper support, do not want to parent infants whom they desire to place through an agency. However, these infants are not going to go without a home as there are more than enough people waiting to adopt an infant. In fact, the ratio of adoptions that may occur to waiting prospective parents is so unbalanced that often times it takes great marketing efforts on the behalf of the adoption facilitator to try to find expectant parents who would be willing to place their baby for adoption. People will get mad at me for not being supportive of the private, infant adoption system. I am not judgmental of others who disagree but I personally do not I don't like the system; I do not like where this particular system is right now socially, legally, and practice-wise. I think the more pressure there is on this part of the industry for adoptions to take place, the more pressure there is for law and practice to facilitate adoption to stay in business than to explore alternatives to adoption. Therefore, I am not interested in contributing to it by sending even more applicants its way when people ask me for advice. If people want to know what I, personally, support, I tell them to look into the public foster care system. Not that that system is perfect either; I would hope the more people who desired to adopt from foster care the more people could demand changes to make things better. I didn't forget inter-country adoption, I just honestly do not get into that with people.
Guardianship vs. Adoption
I do not usually get into the whole guardianship vs. adoption argument when people ask me about adoption because I do not like the legal implications of either option. There are instances where guardianship is workable. However, as an adoptee, I can tell you that I am happy to be the legal daughter of my adoptive parents. They have raised me since I was nearly 5 months old. It would have and still would feel uncomfortable for me to have simply been their "ward." I don't like that and I don't think that would have been in my best interest in my particular type of adoption. I also do not see anything reasonable about the fact that adoption legally erases an adoptee's relatedness to their original family, amends and seals the related records in an attempt to legally alter history, allows adoptees in some cases to be defenselessly lied to with little way of discovering that fact, and then makes it something akin to an Olympic feat to try to get information. I do not like that I am no longer legally related to my original family or that my information was sealed. I think it's ridiculous and as you know, I wasted no time and spared no expense unsealing it all as soon as I figured out how to do it and plan to eventually change my legal name to include my original surnames. Names that are mine and never should have been taken from me to begin with.
There needs to be some balance between these extremes. A child's history and relatedness to their biological family should not have to be erased in order for them to be loved and care for by another family if that ends up being necessary. A child should not be robbed of the ability of legal relatedness to their nurturing parents simply because they are not biologically related. Why we cannot legally acknowledge a broad spectrum of parents as per what is best for each individual child is beyond me. I know people wonder about inheritance and would complain about an adoptee having their hands in too many "pots" so to speak taking away money from one parent or the other's "real kids." I've heard people say it both in the general population and even legislators concerned about it; people worry that the adoptee is going to take someones money or that the adoptee's money isn't going to go to the 'most deserving' family member (in the case a parent would inherit from a deceased adoptee). I say, good grief, inheritance seems like an awfully insignificant issue to overcome and work out in the overall effort of improving the rights of adopted children. At any rate, this is why I don't get into the whole guardianship vs. adoption thing--I think people should do whichever they think suits the situation and hand and fight tooth and nail for every shred of documentation that belongs to the adoptee so that the adoptee can have it some day. Everyone impacted by adoption should join the Adoptee Rights movement to fix these laws so we don't have to have these arguments for decades to come.
The Background
What's basically happening here, is that my friend, who I'll call "Jane," needs to know how to adopt or become the guardian of her cousin's baby. The baby's father is in prison and is disinterested in parenting, the expectant mother apparently has some drug issues and also says she does not want to parent. She already has an older child whom her own mother is raising. Unfortunately, the grandmother is stretched too thin to take in this new baby. Jane's first preference and priority is for her cousin to get her act together and parent her soon-to-be born baby as well as her other child. However, Jane can't force her cousin to accept help she doesn't want nor has she been able to convince her to consider making a parenting plan. At the same time, Jane does not want to lose this baby from the family which is why she is stepping up to offer to adopt or become a permanent legal guardian. I can anticipate that some people would say to this "why does anything need to be legal or official, why can't the baby just live with Jane?" That may be one option. Remember, this issue isn't about putting the goal of adopting first, it is about trying to figure out what's best for the individual child first. That being said, if Jane is going to end up the child's sole caretaker, she needs the legal ability to make decisions for the child. Also, her cousin is set on not parenting and wants to make arrangements for her baby to be adopted. Jane feels she should be informed now about how to make adoption/guardianship arrangements and acknowledge her cousin's wishes than watch her cousin arrange an adoption outside of the family with someone else.
Here's Where I Have no Clue
So she asks me, where to go, who to ask, and what do to. A lawyer? An agency? I had no clue. The reality of these issues is, there are always people out there who (as I already said), even if given the resources, do not want to parent. Or they make the decision while pregnant not anticipating how they might feel after the baby is born or the fact that they may change their mind after the baby is born. As much as I don't like adoption agencies, I would hope in these instances that these mothers would go to a remotely ethical agency. I think doing so would increase the likelihood that they would be exposed to competent counselling as well as resources to help them plan out all of their options (and I say "plan" as an actual-helping-professional-term, not in the mushy PAL "adoption plan" sense). Social Workers (unfortunately, not all adoption workers are necessarily "Social Workers") are well trained in the intervention planning process. What ought to be happening is that a worker helps a client discover their problems, translate the problems into needs, take the needs and create goals, identify objectives to go with that goal (describe how each goal can be accomplished in detail) and weigh the pros and cons of several possible plans (attempting to keep an expectant mother focused single-mindedly on adoption as her only plan is an absolutely unacceptable planning process) that best address the issues and goals at hand. In the case that an expectant mother absolutely wants to consider adoption, it would be very important to me that she work with someone who excels in implementing the intervention planning process and who applies it to adoption in a way that is ethical and beneficial to her and her baby.
However, does an agency really apply in this case? A lawyer? Can they arrange something on their own? Do foster-to-adoption laws apply? And who in the world can they ask? (Pennsylvania law would be applying here). My friend's situation is an example of what we talk about: the child's right (per UNICEF) to be raised by his or her own biological family members when the parents are unable or unwilling to parent and I have no idea how to tell my friend how in the world this happens.
Help!
Photo credit: graur razvan ionut
Well, in cases where it is a family deal, it can be as simple as her signing over custody of the child. The courts wanted to give me custody of one of my sisters children. CPS simply stated that all I needed was a signed custody agreement and like that. I hate this whole thing, but if it will keep a child in the family, I would recommend she start with getting a home study and make a plan with the mother with regard to legal custody. Adoption and guardianship - either one - will require that. After that, an attorney may be the best way to go. But waiting for her cousin to make a decision prior to making these arrangements is ill advised since the courts have to agree and they will require preparations.... or she risks getting involved and ending up losing the child to the industry on spurious grounds.
ReplyDeleteNO ADOPTION AGENCY!!!!! Find an adoption attorney and work through one privately. There is NO reason to involve an agency in a privately arranged adoption, which is why so many people prefer this method. There will be some fees but *nothing* compared to the crazy prices agencies charge. I would recommend you friend start by contact the court guardian ad litum services and see whom they could refer for the services.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck. Yes, I would prefer the adoption not have to happen, but I am also glad to hear your friend is willing to step in and keep this child in the family.
I would recommend contacting the Bar Association, explain the situation and they will recommend the name of an attorney qualified to handle this type of situation. STAY AWAY FROM ADOPTION AGENCIES...they may encourage her to "make a fresh start" by giving the child to strangers. Aargh.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a problem with adoption by a close family member. It sounds like the expectant mother (at least at this time) really doesn't want to parent. If the child is raised by a relative s/he will at least be able to remain a member of his own family. I know a couple who adopted the child of their teenage niece and it has worked out well. The boy is in contact with his first mother, attends all family functions and is fully a part of the family. Adoption agencies have too much of a stake in trying to make the big bucks by doing a non-relative placement.
I don't know that much about guardianship but I'm sure the attorney could explain the ins and outs of both options.
The County that she lives in can take care of all the logistics -- for free. This is traditionally taken care of by the exact same people that license foster parents, and there is a greatly reduced set of requirements in this specific situation. In the County I live in, this situation is even highlighted on the Foster Care Parenting website. It might be worth a call to them to find out more.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I adopted through kinship adoption (my SIL is my son's first mom) and I found that some agencies will not take on kinship adoption, at least in the state of CO. So, we went the route of an adoption lawyer who had experience in kinship adoptions. Contacting the state BAR Association or an ethical agency is a good way to get a list of lawyers with this type of experience. You do have to be careful, though, because kinship adoption is so suprisingly rare that these lawyers mostly deal with step parent adoption which isn't the same.
ReplyDeleteThe downside to using a lawyer alone is that expectant parents don't have immediate access to counselling like they would through an agency. And generally minumum counselling requirements for expectant parents are waived in the cases of kinship adoption. This can be good in that they are less likely to be cooerced but if the counselor is competant, as you mentioned, they are essential to helping expectant parents understand and plan for all of their options. So, I would recommend that if Jane and her cousin go through a lawyer they should also seek counselling.
Best wishes to all involved.
~ Jill
Here is something I worry about on the emotional end of this for your friend to think about. The ONE time I feel like adoption outside the family might be good is when the mother is an addict with a history or severely abusive behvavior and a history of refusing treatment or of using treatment and then returning to abusiver behaviors toward others.
ReplyDeleteNot all addicts are abusive to everyone around them, but MOST addicts become abusive and manipulative to those around them while using-- particularly the heroin/crack/speed types. If your cousin is going to take custody she needs to take inventory of her cousins past behavior to be prepared for what to expect and be prepared IF NEEDED to move to an undisclosed location if the mothers addiction issues spiral out of control and she attempts to visit or get custody back in a way that is scary and possibly not so very safe for the child.
Addiction affects many people differently and there are some users who can still follow rules of behavior and be safe for periods of time around children (ideally supervised) and this all could go fine. Being aware of bumps along the way and having at least some vague idea of solutions will be a good thing to prepare for. Your cousin should keep in mind that shared custody MAY be in the interest of the child some day if the mother recovers her addiction issues and emotional self and is ready to participate. I have a lot to say about that, but yes that would involve years of being involved, building trust, and requests for more time with the first mom from the child.
Something else though, in the case of an addicted parent it is likely in the child's interest to remain permantly under primary care of the cousin if she wants to do this adoption. EVEN if the mother gets better, the getting better can come and go. I have watched what happens in my own family when ad addict is allowed to parent while sober and then disappear while addicted (and them sometiems just hang out with her son while on drugs?) over and over and over.
ReplyDeleteIt is a situation that if your cousin isn't prepared to prevent from happening--- the child may in fact (and this is one of the rare cases I'm going to say infant adoption is ok)--- be better off with non-biological relatives who don't have an emotional investment in catering to the addict. The ideal is to stay in the family and have a biological family member who is capable of standing up to and setting boundaries with an addict in the event the addict is losing control. This is REALLY HARD.
The mother is probably thinking that in family adoption will mean she could remain close enough to the child to maintain a parental role and possibly get full custody back. With a non-addict I would actually say this is ideal, and even with an addict it COULD be the ideal. But all the mixed and unspoken emotions and hopes that may or may not come to be--- this can really be hard on a family dynamic.
I'm just saying all of this from watching my cousin's children who were adopted in family and the suffering the kids went through. She has lived with her mother and son off and on while using drugs, selling her body for drugs, getting in fist fights on the lawn--- This is just not good.
Her oldest son is nineteen and was legally adopted by his great grandmother who is now almost 90 years old. He didn't see his first mom at all growing up, but he saw his father (also and addict) some and then his father died of an overdose while he was in middle school and in highschool his first mom got into contact with him and started visiting a few times a year, taking him out places. He's now covered in tattoos and his facebook pages in covered in metal bands. His uncle, my cousin's brother, just died a month ago and I know he looked up to his uncle.
If you can't tell all of this is a mess. In family adoption can be even more confusing because whoever is upholding the legal agreement is going to be seen as the bad guy. "But I'm doing really well right now! I want to have custody every other weekend and I'm ready!" The truth is-- if the mother really is established as doing really well-- it would be jerky to uphold a paper agreement just for the sake of it. The problem with addiction though is that there is a very high rate of return to the addiction, meaning that even 6 months or a year sober can be lost at the drop of a hat.
If shared custody or increased visitation is going to be on the table--- the cousin needs to make some really long term integration plan to establish that in a way that will be the most stable for the child. I.e.--- a year of reliably visiting for an hour every weekend (or once a month or whatever is appropriate), following through with stability measures in job and housing, another year of following through with reliable visitation and demonstrating learning about parenting and attachment and bonding and caring for children by reading and discussing reading material.
Make a long list of objectives that involve long periods of stability before each increase in visitation. What this does is allow for periods of instability where the mother falls off the wagon and disappears to come as less of a blow if the mother has simply been visiting once a month for an hour. No matter what--- LOSING visitaion will come as a blow to kids. So you never want to set up more visitation than the mother can reliably come through for. If she can't handle monthly visits, set it at two per year.
This is way more convoluded than what I wish but this whole time my son has been bouncing on me and pulling my arm to go play and I'm a bit distracted. I think you have my e-mail Amanda so if you have more questions I have some better and clearer ideas about this--- but my point is that your cousin needs to get very educated about boundary issues with addicts and the very messy business of having "possession" of something an addict sometimes wants access to on their own terms. Her legal plan needs to make it clear that she has the sole and permanent custody and she needs to think through how to navigate visitation while valuing and loving her cousin despite the addiction--- (which is important for the child to know as well) while making VERY FIRM boundaries around how unacceptable addicted related behavior that harms others is (also important for the child.)
ReplyDeleteAll of this equals--- really frakking hard. Anyways-- Um, I might have made it worse. LOL....
Sustainable families makes some very good points, and many of the adoptees that I work with professionally were adopted (or are under permanent guardianship) under very similar circumstances. And Like SF says, many have suffered repeated feelings of loss, rejction and trauma. Not to compare with loss of adoption where the original family is lost, but just something to keep in mind. If you e-mail me her county I can give you better direction and perhaps a contact.
ReplyDeleteYour friend Jane should consult her county bar association to find an adoption attorney. She will probably not want to foster the child, but adopt outright or assume guardianship so that the child will not have to deal with the trauma of bouncing from house to house if her cousin decides that she's clean and wants to parent again.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I adopted through a kinship adoption. We wanted to avoid adoption agencies because of all of the added costs. As my son's biological mom said she would rather have that money go to raise him. We went through an adoption lawyer, which is what I would recommend starting with.
ReplyDeleteAs a side note regarding cost. The cost of the lawyer fees, background checks, finger prints, home study, filing fees with the court, and etc. really are significantly less than most agencies.
As far as the best advice we received regarding kinship adoption and truthfully for any adoption would be to respect the mother, and she will respect you if she chooses you to parent. Never talk down about her in front of the child or any other family members, even if you don't agree with the choices she is making. Also be truthful with the child about their adoption and the story behind it in an age appropriate manner.
My sister did a kinship adoption under similar circumstances, and I have to echo what SF said. In her case the family relationship was rather peripheral, but no one more closely was willing/able to step up because the mother had such a history of manipulation, unreliablility, and substance abuse. It's been very challenging, but since they live half a country apart it's easier to minimize the unpredictible drama, and the child still gets to have frequent contact with the extended family who ARE safe and loving, via phone, mail, skype, and visits.
ReplyDeleteRegarding SF's issue, I was adopted into a home where there severe drug problems developed with a much older sibling. Just because an adoptive family goes through a home study, it does not mean the child will be protected from problems in the adoptive family. Instead it may be a case of trading one set of problems for another. The current substance abuse problems with the birthmother may mean that counseling for dealing with that relationship - in addition to more standard adoption counseling (whatever that is - my adoptives never received any) - might help the adoptive mom or guardian manage the situation to protect the child from a rollercoaster upbringing.
ReplyDeleteFor guardianship, it may be possible to navigate the county probate court without a lawyer, particularly in more rural counties. I would start with checking the website for the local probate court and contacting the probate court clerk's office for guidance. For an adoption, getting a laywer would be prudent.