What the 100 and 77 Year old Mother-Daughter Reunion Teaches us About Women, Rape, and Adoption

(AP Photo/Jae C. Hong)

I am sure many of you have read the story by now about Minka Disbrow, a now 100-year-old original mother who has been thinking about and hoping to reunite over the course of 77 years with the daughter she reluctantly surrendered to adoption in 1928 after conceiving from rape.  She finally reunited with her daughter in 2006.  It is a heartwarming and inspirational story, which is why so many news outlets have been reporting on it.  While many reading may be doing so for entertainment value (not necessarily in a cruel way but adoption stories always seem to be of tear-jerking interest to the general population), most of the non-adopted general population lacks the proper "glasses" to find the lessons that we should be learning about adoption, women, and rape from Ms. Disbrow and her daughter.  As a feminist and adult adoptee who was conceived from rape, those glasses are permanently fixed to my face.

Choice & history.  I don't think people understand how absolutely amazing this story is and how resilient both of these women must be.  If you're understanding of adoption is that it originated "somewhere with Moses" and "continues to touch our lives today," you missed much of the plight of orphans, "illegitimates," and abandoned and impoverished children throughout history.  In the early 20th century, babies born to unmarried and impoverished mothers were typically not taken into a loving family to be raised an equal member of the family.  Babies languished, untouched and unheld, in orphanages or sometimes met their plight in "baby farms" which were notorious for brutal infanticide.  My adult adoptee grandmother, who I won't ask about this particular instance out of respect but family lore holds, was born about 10 years after Ms. Disbrow's daughter was, and adopted for the purpose of being a companion to her adoptive mother because her husband was frequently away on business trips.

This story goes to show the lack of choices that have surrounded women.  Whether by rape, having to do sexual favors to the man of the house to keep a roof over one's (and one's children's) head, the inaccessibility (or failure) of contraceptives, the lack of proper sex education, or experiencing a serious illness after getting pregnant: many women become pregnant when they do not want to be or simply can't endure a pregnancy.  One should not lack an appreciation for what this must have meant for Ms. Disbrow: she could not have an abortion, she could not parent the baby she wanted to keep, and she was surrendering her daughter to what was, in the adoption world at the time, an enormous and scary unknown.  How must that have felt?  What choices did she really have about any of her situation?  As our country seems to be forever bent on both attacking women's health legislation and obliviously glorifying all-things-adoption, we need to keep in mind that going backwards in history and eliminating women's choices when it comes to pregnancy is not the way to go.  We neglect to learn from the experiences of the Ms. Disbrows around us and lack empathy for her situation if we think it is OK for women to just "make do" without expanding and supporting their autonomy and choices.

"Unplanned pregnancy" doesn't always mean "unwanted baby."  As adoption and abortion are frequently associated together, on articles or conversations about rape, I frequently see both pro-choice and pro-life people alike talking about resolving the issue of conception from rape in terms of adoption or abortion  Even the National Right to Life had the audacity to report this story on their website, despite the fact that abortion was not involved with this story.  To them I suppose abortion is automatically implied because they see the two issues as one in the same, the "resolution" of an unplanned pregnancy: adoption is simply the "loving option" of the two.  What many pro-choice and pro-life people alike miss is the fact that an unplanned pregnancy does not always yield an unwanted baby and when we speak of unplanned pregnancy, especially by rape, in the false dichotomy of abortion and adoption, we perpetuate a lot of misconceptions that not only leave expectant mothers and their children without services but possibly make them even more vulnerable as well.  

When we absolutely cannot bring ourselves to believe that a mother who conceived from rape could love or want to parent her child, we deny the opportunity this poses for further advantage to be taken of these women.  Who would believe that a woman had been pressured or coerced to surrender her baby or that she would have desired to parent instead, if rape was involved?  Who would believe that she'd ever want her son or daughter to know her name or have their information and original birth certificate if rape was involved?  Who would believe she would want the opportunity to reunite if rape was involved?  My guess is that people wouldn't believe these things and the taboo, the shame, the victim-blaming our society does leads to not only misunderstanding of the needs of rape victims and their children but a lot of us doing legislating, guessing, and decision-making on their behalf too.  Everyone always "imagines what a rape victim would want" when discussing these issues rather than taking the time to really listen to one. 

We're people too.  Despite the horrible thing that happened to her, Ms. Disbrow did not see the beautiful daughter she gave birth to as anything less than she was: a daughter and a person.  As a daughter conceived from rape, I have been on the receiving end of the taboo.  I've watched people try to disguise a surprised gulp when I disclose more about my origins.  I've had to listen to countless people say "and your parents knew you were a rape victims baby when they adopted you?!" or "I am surprised your 'birth mother' wanted to know you!" as if there is something personally, fundamentally, and intrinsically wrong with me.  This taboo presents itself in discussions of abortion when people say "I think a fetus is a person and abortion should be illegal....oh, except in the case of rape!"  I suppose if a fetus is a person except in instances of rape, really-real-born-people who were conceived from rape wouldn't be people either.  My little minority group gets thrown under the bus in Adoptee Rights too.  People worry about the mother who conceived from rape "being found" should full equality be extended to her offspring.  This perpetuates the paternalistic ideals of blaming the victim and alleging she should hide in shame when people specifically agree to make different rights for her surrendered son or daughter.  I implore people working on Adoptee Rights legislation not to throw people like me under the bus and speak away our rights because of conception circumstances.  Do not forget that we are people.  Do not forget that we are equal and should be treated equally.  Do not punish us or our mothers for something completely out of our control.

Do not assume my mother doesn't love me.

I am not ashamed and clearly, Ms. Disbrow isn't either.  I cannot tell you what it means to me to hear of another mother-daughter pair so happily reunited and telling their story, especially when conception from rape was involved.  Her bravery in telling her story has shown another beam of light into an area of adoption and society that has been darkened by misconceptions, lies, stigmas, paternalism, shame, and victim-blaming.  My hope is that everyone who reads her story will take a moment to absorb more than the heartwarming feeling it brings--to learn something, to benefit from the lessons the Ms. Disbrows around us have to teach.  To read more about Ms. Disbrow's story, see the article here.