The Declassified Adoptee

Warning! There are spoilers for episodes 1 and 2 of The Queen's Gambit ahead. These episodes also contain sensitive content including: death, adoption, substance use, orphanage life, racism, sexism, mental illness, & suicide. There is a need for deeper discussion that includes the adopted identity of the main character of this hit Nextflix series. After watching the first two episodes (thus far) as an adult adoptee and clinician, I developed a series of questions for individual use or to stimulate conversations in families and clubs gathered to discuss the episodes. These questions guide developmentally, historically, culturally, and adoption-sensitive dialogue about episodes 1 & 2 of The Queen’s Gambit on Netflix. They are intended for individuals 16 and older. Question One: How might our brief glimpse into Beth’s first mother’s seemingly tormented mindset and her published book (as a PhD) in mathematics inform us about Beth’s own mental health and mathematical gifts? Ques

I have been looking for a compact mirror to keep in my bag. I was tickled to find this one in my (adoptive) mother’s belongings. I’m not sure where she got it. It has her name engraved on the front. It reminds of me one of the foundational concepts I impart to some families when we first start our work together. We are our children’s mirrors. What we reflect back to a child about who they are will become what they believe to be true about themselves. If we are frequently annoyed by a child and are not self-aware of how this impacts our tone, messages, and body language, they may learn “I am an annoying person.” “I am a person who makes others angry a lot.” “I am hard to love.” “I am unpleasant to listen to.” “I am a disappointment.” “I am a troublemaker.” Internalized self-concepts like these don’t give children insight that their behavior could change. It doesn’t give them a drive to try to do something different. These are resignations to a fate within which they feel perpetually tr

Content Warning: birth, birth trauma, separation, infertility, brief mentions of sexual assault. It was the early spring of 1985 when a 13 year old girl stepped off an airplane. Seven months pregnant, she had arrived to what was now her new home. Her sister lived here, in Tennessee. And she had flown well over 1,000 miles to her sister the moment her mother discovered she was pregnant. It is hard to imagine the thoughts that must have gone through her sister's mind, 14 years her senior, as she greeted her at the gate. The young teen carried with her only two maternity outfits and a few sample size toiletries. She had a story to tell, and her big sister would be the first to hear about it. I was part of this story. But it would take 25 years for me to hear it. This is the story of where I came from, and of how I got here. On this earth. I have written and re-written, published and un-published, this story multiple times. I was not finished with the blog post I wanted to publish toda

In an effort to make my work more accessible on more platforms to more ages and media preferences, I can be found on YouTube and at my new podcast. My podcast focuses on providing a video version of new blog posts. And my YouTube vlogs focuses on updating topics I may have already written about and telling the stories about the time in history when I originally wrote on a topic. I hope to post a vlog every Tuesday. I will try my best. This week's vlog revisited an old post of mine from 2013 entitled, " How to Read an Adoptee Blog Without Getting Offended ." I discussed why I would no longer word the title of this topic that way. I revisited the original tips I gave with new information and examples. And I discuss an additional tip about how to value and appraise adoptees for their full humanity and not just for their parenting advice. If you liked this vlog, please comment, "like," and subscribe at YouTube. It really helps me out. To see daily updates and insigh

In an effort to make my work more accessible on more platforms to more ages and media preferences, I can be found on YouTube and at my new podcast. My podcast focuses on providing an orated version of new blog posts. And my YouTube vlogs focuses on updating topics I may have already written about and telling the stories about the time in history when I originally wrote on a topic. I hope to post a vlog every Tuesday. I will try my best. This week's vlog revisited an old post of mine from 2013 entitled, " Do we Really Know What Adoptees Are Thinking? 4 Reasons Why I Decided to Reunite ." I discussed this blog post and the 4 original "reasons." Then, I added one more. Can you guess what it might be? If you liked this vlog, please comment, "like," and subscribe at YouTube. It really helps me out. To see daily updates and insights from me, make sure to follow me on Instagram @amandatda --------

Have you ever wondered what goes through the mind of an abortion worker as they push through angry protesters to clock in for another day of work at a clinic? From accounts that I've read, they're dedicated to their jobs. They believe in the health care services that they provide to their patients. But the screaming and cursing; the threats that they receive. These factors may also play a role. People who go through “great pain, discomfort, effort, or embarrassment” to accomplish something will be happier with it than if the experience had been easy, effortless, and pain-free ( cite, page 18 on Kindle ). This was first discovered by Elliott Aronson, a student and contemporary of Leon Festinger. Most people who have had an introductory level education into behavioral science may be surprised to learn this cognitivist twist. That a punishment, such as screaming at someone entering their workplace, could have a better chance of reinforcing their job choice than discouraging it.  I

In an effort to make my work more accessible on more platforms to more ages and media preferences, I can be found on YouTube and at my new podcast. My podcast focuses on providing an orated version of new blog posts. And my YouTube vlogs focuses on updating topics I may have already written about and telling the stories about the time in history when I originally wrote on a topic. I hope to post a vlog every Tuesday. I will try my best. This week's vlog revisited an old post of mine from 2013 entitled, " 5 Things Adoptees Need to Hear from Absolutely Everyone ." I discussed this blog post and the 5 original "things." Then, I added two more to the five based on what I've learned since I first wrote that piece. If you liked this vlog, please comment, "like," and subscribe at YouTube. It really helps me out. To see daily updates and insights from me, make sure to follow me on Instagram @amandatda

In an effort to make my work more accessible on more platforms to more ages and media preferences, I can be found on YouTube and at my new podcast. My podcast focuses on providing an orated version of new blog posts. And my YouTube vlogs focuses on updating topics I may have already written about and telling the stories about the time in history when I originally wrote on a topic. I hope to post a vlog every Tuesday. I will try my best. This week's vlog focused on a question I imagine many younger parents (adoptive, foster, and first) and adoptees to have about adoption terminology. Why do some of us use "First Mom" or "Original Mom" and not "Birth Mom?" Revisiting these terms was inspired by several posts in The Declassified Adoptee blog archives. But this post I wrote for Lost Daughters in 2012 is probably the most relevant: " NaBloPoMo Day 23: What Should we Call People Connected to Adoption? " If you liked this vlog, please comment, "

In an effort to make my work more accessible on more platforms to more ages and media preferences, I can be found on YouTube and at my new podcast. My podcast focuses on providing an orated version of new blog posts. And my YouTube vlogs focuses on updating topics I may have already written about and telling the stories about the time in history when I originally wrote on a topic. I hope to post a vlog every Tuesday. I will try my best. Last week's vlog focused on the question that is frequently posed to adoptees, "Would you rather have been aborted." It was inspired by several posts in The Declassified Adoptee blog archives with this post from 2013 being the most relevant: " Why Conflating Adoption and Abortion Really Isn't Helping Anything ." If you liked this vlog, please comment, "like," and subscribe at YouTube. It really helps me out.

“I haven't known if I should talk about this or not.” With these words, Abby Johnson began a 15 minute YouTube video on police brutality. Johnson is a former Planned Parenthood director turned pro-life activist. She is also an adoptive mother to a black son. I decided to watch her video with an earnest desire to hear her thoughts. As adoption is my wheelhouse, I need to know what an adoptive parent with a major platform thinks about an issue. I especially need to know how they may influence other adoptive parents because this, in turn, impacts adopted children. I was willing to put aside my fundamental disagreement with the ways in which she discusses abortion in hope that she, as the white mother of a black child, might use her platform to condemn police brutality toward black Americans. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. I immediately began writing a blog post about what it feels like to be an adopted person whose reality plays second fiddle to their pro-life

I am gardening a lot lately with all of my new-found time at home during this pandemic. Recently, I remarked to friends that I felt badly taking all of the beans from my green bean plant. Shouldn't I leave at least some behind? Many more experienced gardener friends chimed in to set me straight. A few fellow adoptees remarked, "Sounds like an adoptee thing." I chuckled at this. It has always been interesting to me how metaphors or analogies that explain the adoption experience exist everywhere. We use these explanations to help us understand ourselves and to help others understand us. Still, it behooves us to always ask ourselves, how do I know my metaphor or analogy is helpful? Recently, in an interview with The Guardian , Professor Sophie Grace Chappell made an adoption analogy of her own. She indicated that adoptive parents want to be seen as biological parents, therefore, adoption can explain transgender identity in this way. Among other notable credentials and