Comments on The Declassified Adoptee: So, my Friend Wants to Adopt a Baby.....

Regarding SF's issue, I was adopted into a hom...

2012-01-25T14:32:56.565-05:00

Regarding SF's issue, I was adopted into a home where there severe drug problems developed with a much older sibling. Just because an adoptive family goes through a home study, it does not mean the child will be protected from problems in the adoptive family. Instead it may be a case of trading one set of problems for another. The current substance abuse problems with the birthmother may mean that counseling for dealing with that relationship - in addition to more standard adoption counseling (whatever that is - my adoptives never received any) - might help the adoptive mom or guardian manage the situation to protect the child from a rollercoaster upbringing.

For guardianship, it may be possible to navigate the county probate court without a lawyer, particularly in more rural counties. I would start with checking the website for the local probate court and contacting the probate court clerk's office for guidance. For an adoption, getting a laywer would be prudent.

My sister did a kinship adoption under similar cir...

2012-01-24T19:37:13.799-05:00

My sister did a kinship adoption under similar circumstances, and I have to echo what SF said. In her case the family relationship was rather peripheral, but no one more closely was willing/able to step up because the mother had such a history of manipulation, unreliablility, and substance abuse. It's been very challenging, but since they live half a country apart it's easier to minimize the unpredictible drama, and the child still gets to have frequent contact with the extended family who ARE safe and loving, via phone, mail, skype, and visits.

My husband and I adopted through a kinship adoptio...

2012-01-23T18:13:47.722-05:00

My husband and I adopted through a kinship adoption. We wanted to avoid adoption agencies because of all of the added costs. As my son's biological mom said she would rather have that money go to raise him. We went through an adoption lawyer, which is what I would recommend starting with.

As a side note regarding cost. The cost of the lawyer fees, background checks, finger prints, home study, filing fees with the court, and etc. really are significantly less than most agencies.

As far as the best advice we received regarding kinship adoption and truthfully for any adoption would be to respect the mother, and she will respect you if she chooses you to parent. Never talk down about her in front of the child or any other family members, even if you don't agree with the choices she is making. Also be truthful with the child about their adoption and the story behind it in an age appropriate manner.

Your friend Jane should consult her county bar ass...

2012-01-22T20:06:15.285-05:00

Your friend Jane should consult her county bar association to find an adoption attorney. She will probably not want to foster the child, but adopt outright or assume guardianship so that the child will not have to deal with the trauma of bouncing from house to house if her cousin decides that she's clean and wants to parent again.

Sustainable families makes some very good points, ...

2012-01-22T16:58:40.877-05:00

Sustainable families makes some very good points, and many of the adoptees that I work with professionally were adopted (or are under permanent guardianship) under very similar circumstances. And Like SF says, many have suffered repeated feelings of loss, rejction and trauma. Not to compare with loss of adoption where the original family is lost, but just something to keep in mind. If you e-mail me her county I can give you better direction and perhaps a contact.

This is way more convoluded than what I wish but t...

2012-01-22T10:43:43.293-05:00

This is way more convoluded than what I wish but this whole time my son has been bouncing on me and pulling my arm to go play and I'm a bit distracted. I think you have my e-mail Amanda so if you have more questions I have some better and clearer ideas about this--- but my point is that your cousin needs to get very educated about boundary issues with addicts and the very messy business of having "possession" of something an addict sometimes wants access to on their own terms. Her legal plan needs to make it clear that she has the sole and permanent custody and she needs to think through how to navigate visitation while valuing and loving her cousin despite the addiction--- (which is important for the child to know as well) while making VERY FIRM boundaries around how unacceptable addicted related behavior that harms others is (also important for the child.)

All of this equals--- really frakking hard. Anyways-- Um, I might have made it worse. LOL....

Something else though, in the case of an addicted ...

2012-01-22T10:42:56.688-05:00

Something else though, in the case of an addicted parent it is likely in the child's interest to remain permantly under primary care of the cousin if she wants to do this adoption. EVEN if the mother gets better, the getting better can come and go. I have watched what happens in my own family when ad addict is allowed to parent while sober and then disappear while addicted (and them sometiems just hang out with her son while on drugs?) over and over and over.

It is a situation that if your cousin isn't prepared to prevent from happening--- the child may in fact (and this is one of the rare cases I'm going to say infant adoption is ok)--- be better off with non-biological relatives who don't have an emotional investment in catering to the addict. The ideal is to stay in the family and have a biological family member who is capable of standing up to and setting boundaries with an addict in the event the addict is losing control. This is REALLY HARD.

The mother is probably thinking that in family adoption will mean she could remain close enough to the child to maintain a parental role and possibly get full custody back. With a non-addict I would actually say this is ideal, and even with an addict it COULD be the ideal. But all the mixed and unspoken emotions and hopes that may or may not come to be--- this can really be hard on a family dynamic.

I'm just saying all of this from watching my cousin's children who were adopted in family and the suffering the kids went through. She has lived with her mother and son off and on while using drugs, selling her body for drugs, getting in fist fights on the lawn--- This is just not good.

Her oldest son is nineteen and was legally adopted by his great grandmother who is now almost 90 years old. He didn't see his first mom at all growing up, but he saw his father (also and addict) some and then his father died of an overdose while he was in middle school and in highschool his first mom got into contact with him and started visiting a few times a year, taking him out places. He's now covered in tattoos and his facebook pages in covered in metal bands. His uncle, my cousin's brother, just died a month ago and I know he looked up to his uncle.

If you can't tell all of this is a mess. In family adoption can be even more confusing because whoever is upholding the legal agreement is going to be seen as the bad guy. "But I'm doing really well right now! I want to have custody every other weekend and I'm ready!" The truth is-- if the mother really is established as doing really well-- it would be jerky to uphold a paper agreement just for the sake of it. The problem with addiction though is that there is a very high rate of return to the addiction, meaning that even 6 months or a year sober can be lost at the drop of a hat.

If shared custody or increased visitation is going to be on the table--- the cousin needs to make some really long term integration plan to establish that in a way that will be the most stable for the child. I.e.--- a year of reliably visiting for an hour every weekend (or once a month or whatever is appropriate), following through with stability measures in job and housing, another year of following through with reliable visitation and demonstrating learning about parenting and attachment and bonding and caring for children by reading and discussing reading material.

Make a long list of objectives that involve long periods of stability before each increase in visitation. What this does is allow for periods of instability where the mother falls off the wagon and disappears to come as less of a blow if the mother has simply been visiting once a month for an hour. No matter what--- LOSING visitaion will come as a blow to kids. So you never want to set up more visitation than the mother can reliably come through for. If she can't handle monthly visits, set it at two per year.

Here is something I worry about on the emotional e...

2012-01-22T10:41:48.940-05:00

Here is something I worry about on the emotional end of this for your friend to think about. The ONE time I feel like adoption outside the family might be good is when the mother is an addict with a history or severely abusive behvavior and a history of refusing treatment or of using treatment and then returning to abusiver behaviors toward others.

Not all addicts are abusive to everyone around them, but MOST addicts become abusive and manipulative to those around them while using-- particularly the heroin/crack/speed types. If your cousin is going to take custody she needs to take inventory of her cousins past behavior to be prepared for what to expect and be prepared IF NEEDED to move to an undisclosed location if the mothers addiction issues spiral out of control and she attempts to visit or get custody back in a way that is scary and possibly not so very safe for the child.

Addiction affects many people differently and there are some users who can still follow rules of behavior and be safe for periods of time around children (ideally supervised) and this all could go fine. Being aware of bumps along the way and having at least some vague idea of solutions will be a good thing to prepare for. Your cousin should keep in mind that shared custody MAY be in the interest of the child some day if the mother recovers her addiction issues and emotional self and is ready to participate. I have a lot to say about that, but yes that would involve years of being involved, building trust, and requests for more time with the first mom from the child.

My husband and I adopted through kinship adoption ...

2012-01-22T10:30:12.165-05:00

My husband and I adopted through kinship adoption (my SIL is my son's first mom) and I found that some agencies will not take on kinship adoption, at least in the state of CO. So, we went the route of an adoption lawyer who had experience in kinship adoptions. Contacting the state BAR Association or an ethical agency is a good way to get a list of lawyers with this type of experience. You do have to be careful, though, because kinship adoption is so suprisingly rare that these lawyers mostly deal with step parent adoption which isn't the same.

The downside to using a lawyer alone is that expectant parents don't have immediate access to counselling like they would through an agency. And generally minumum counselling requirements for expectant parents are waived in the cases of kinship adoption. This can be good in that they are less likely to be cooerced but if the counselor is competant, as you mentioned, they are essential to helping expectant parents understand and plan for all of their options. So, I would recommend that if Jane and her cousin go through a lawyer they should also seek counselling.

Best wishes to all involved.

~ Jill

The County that she lives in can take care of all ...

2012-01-22T09:57:19.400-05:00

The County that she lives in can take care of all the logistics -- for free. This is traditionally taken care of by the exact same people that license foster parents, and there is a greatly reduced set of requirements in this specific situation. In the County I live in, this situation is even highlighted on the Foster Care Parenting website. It might be worth a call to them to find out more.

I would recommend contacting the Bar Association, ...

2012-01-22T09:21:15.964-05:00

I would recommend contacting the Bar Association, explain the situation and they will recommend the name of an attorney qualified to handle this type of situation. STAY AWAY FROM ADOPTION AGENCIES...they may encourage her to "make a fresh start" by giving the child to strangers. Aargh.

I don't have a problem with adoption by a close family member. It sounds like the expectant mother (at least at this time) really doesn't want to parent. If the child is raised by a relative s/he will at least be able to remain a member of his own family. I know a couple who adopted the child of their teenage niece and it has worked out well. The boy is in contact with his first mother, attends all family functions and is fully a part of the family. Adoption agencies have too much of a stake in trying to make the big bucks by doing a non-relative placement.

I don't know that much about guardianship but I'm sure the attorney could explain the ins and outs of both options.

NO ADOPTION AGENCY!!!!! Find an adoption attorney ...

2012-01-22T06:30:30.139-05:00

NO ADOPTION AGENCY!!!!! Find an adoption attorney and work through one privately. There is NO reason to involve an agency in a privately arranged adoption, which is why so many people prefer this method. There will be some fees but *nothing* compared to the crazy prices agencies charge. I would recommend you friend start by contact the court guardian ad litum services and see whom they could refer for the services.

Best of luck. Yes, I would prefer the adoption not have to happen, but I am also glad to hear your friend is willing to step in and keep this child in the family.

Well, in cases where it is a family deal, it can b...

2012-01-22T02:37:17.979-05:00

Well, in cases where it is a family deal, it can be as simple as her signing over custody of the child. The courts wanted to give me custody of one of my sisters children. CPS simply stated that all I needed was a signed custody agreement and like that. I hate this whole thing, but if it will keep a child in the family, I would recommend she start with getting a home study and make a plan with the mother with regard to legal custody. Adoption and guardianship - either one - will require that. After that, an attorney may be the best way to go. But waiting for her cousin to make a decision prior to making these arrangements is ill advised since the courts have to agree and they will require preparations.... or she risks getting involved and ending up losing the child to the industry on spurious grounds.