tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87986207574342549982024-03-12T23:39:19.038-04:00The Declassified AdopteeThinking new thoughts since 2009.The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comBlogger185125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-9429182400958831372023-01-19T15:32:00.003-05:002023-01-19T17:23:17.367-05:00Updates & Connecting With me These Days<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBOHiG8xv5RMlbiB5m6LSEpfB1XkXUSz1LYuiNElRs5o2iiabYCj5kWJ5LZqeS-8NdADw613ndMnof9KFcoK3M3eagjAx4JQuvO2R87tqMtKYzgbVRL5YuxZOBOW1M1aYdYe0NIzpkWzrlkzLWuOpk7Ue2DQ_Yfse3amBSOpGvwG0YtUlQmX8YQUp-JA/s2016/Amanda%20Woolston%20The%20Declassified%20Adoptee%20Office.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Black and white image of Amanda from the chest-up with the backdrop of a large studio room in her new practice" border="0" data-original-height="1512" data-original-width="2016" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBOHiG8xv5RMlbiB5m6LSEpfB1XkXUSz1LYuiNElRs5o2iiabYCj5kWJ5LZqeS-8NdADw613ndMnof9KFcoK3M3eagjAx4JQuvO2R87tqMtKYzgbVRL5YuxZOBOW1M1aYdYe0NIzpkWzrlkzLWuOpk7Ue2DQ_Yfse3amBSOpGvwG0YtUlQmX8YQUp-JA/w640-h480/Amanda%20Woolston%20The%20Declassified%20Adoptee%20Office.jpg" title="Me sitting in the studio room in my new practice co-owned with Stephanie Oyler" width="640" /></a></div><br /><div><b>Welcome to a space on the web</b> that I have considered to be home for more than one third of my life thus far. I have reshaped this space and its purpose around the adoptee voice repeatedly for the past thirteen years. My readers probably realized something long before I was able to. That is, the capacity to produce long-form content, like blog entries, is something that has not fit my ever-evolving lifestyle in years. However, I have been able to provide (nearly weekly) content on <a href="https://www.instagram.com/amandawoolstonadoption/?hl=en" target="_blank">Instagram</a>. Although I will always maintain this blog space here (and post from time to time), it's time to shift the active face of The Declassified Adoptee to Instagram. </div><div><br /></div><div><i>Honestly, it's time to admit that Instagram has been my primary platform for a while now. It's time to release disappointment with myself that long-form blogging, my original form of activism, no longer fits my life.</i></div><div><br /></div><div>The reason why long form content just does not suit me right now is a positive one. I am working full-time with adopted and fostered people and their families through a variety of projects. Recently, I opened an adoption competent therapy, coaching, and consultation practice with friend, fellow adoptee, and colleague, Stephanie Oyler (@adopteelit on Instagram and TikTok). It's called <a href="http://www.therapycenterforgrowth.com" target="_blank">Therapy Center for Transformative Growth</a>. We developed an adoption competent training program there for college students. We currently have three students in our program. We are working steadily on developing a post-adoption support program for the local community (with accessible reach into online communities as well). </div><div><br /></div><div><i><b>It will be the first ever practice of its kind in this region that is adoptee-developed, adoptee-led, adoptee-centered program that serves the needs of adopted and fostered people (and their loved ones) individually, in groups, and at broader advocacy levels.</b></i></div><div><br /></div><div>I am also so pleased to make child welfare and adoption an integral part of my journey through my doctoral program. Not only do I aspire to contribute to Critical Adoption Studies literature, but my doctoral program provides me with space to do deep dives into the research and theory adopted people need most to live fulfilling lives. Thus far I have had the opportunity to learn from a professor who is an adult adoptee, a professor who is an abolitionist, and a professor who now works to mend families in symbolic reparation of the time as a caseworker when they watched families be destroyed by unjust systems. Although I have loved all of my social work education experiences thus far (BSW, MSS/MSW, and now DSW), this is the first time I have had the opportunity to learn from professors who are adoptees and who understand the nature of my work without any needed explanation from me because they're living it. I am so thankful for my past educators and colleagues who helped me access this opportunity.</div><div><br /></div><div>I'm always working - even if it's not visible. I've learned that, as a white private domestic infant adoptee, sometimes it's best <i>not </i>for me to be the adoptee that's visible. There are so many adoptee and foster voices (especially queer femme BIPOC voices) that are heard so much less often than mine. I hear quite often how some folks miss me writing regularly. But please know that for every blog post that I haven't written, I've still been sending adoptee-focused energy into the adoption community in some capacity all along. </div><div><br /></div><div>Here's to an empowering 2023. </div>The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comParkesburg, PA 19365, USA39.9594013 -75.9168481999999911.649167463821158 -111.07309819999999 68.269635136178849 -40.76059819999999tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-1774140693890503512021-02-04T11:45:00.001-05:002021-02-04T11:45:58.359-05:00Common Challenges of Adoption Books Written for Children<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qNGkMxS8GeA/YBwkcfHrMyI/AAAAAAAAWco/Neau6mzz6YcWfbzNQ-OH-OXAEY5H_5YjQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1605/IMG_5772_Facetune_24-12-2020-01-41-49.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1605" data-original-width="1284" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qNGkMxS8GeA/YBwkcfHrMyI/AAAAAAAAWco/Neau6mzz6YcWfbzNQ-OH-OXAEY5H_5YjQCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/IMG_5772_Facetune_24-12-2020-01-41-49.jpg" /></a></div>I started to write out my thoughts in an Instagram post, thanking those who had sent me books from my Amazon Wishlist. Although I have not looked at my new books yet, I reflected upon all the ways in which me looking at these books is necessary. I started to share that in an Instagram post, and it became too long.<div><br /></div><div>I make it a priority to review children's adoption books because there are so few out there. Sure, there are plenty of books that involve adoption and adoption-like scenarios as a part of a fictional plot. However, when it comes to using a book to help a younger adopted or fostered child understand adoption and their place within it - these books are few and far between. There are some tendencies in children’s adoption books that make them really hard to recommend or use:<div><br />First, some are too general and don’t impart any one solid theme that a given child may need. This is the best case scenario because I can adapt these books easily with my own exercises. This is why I request books in the first place. I often can't just recommend one or the other outright. I create guides, questions, and activities to adapt them to make them appropriate for a greater number of adopted and fostered children.<br /><br />Second, some are too specific. Some details of some books are highly dependent upon certain circumstances in order for the lessons they teach to be relevant or appropriate. For example: a book where the only scenario mentioned is a child adopted as an infant by parents of the same race. The book wants this child to know they are loved because their first parents “made an adoption plan.” This type of book is going to be relatable to the absolute fewest number of adopted children as this specific adoption scenario is the rarest form of adoption there is.<br /><br />I’m not that saying that some children don’t benefit from a book like that. It's hard to recommend a book like this as a general resource because it is not a general resource. And it should not be the majority of books out there available.<br /><br />Third, some books lack an adoptee/fosteree perspective. I do like some books written by non-adoptees and fosterees. This includes books by adoptive, first, or foster parents. For example, I like An-ya and Her Diary by my good friend Diane Rene Christian. Diane is a trained writer who has spent years working hard to understand adoptees. And she has shared almost every part of the fruits of her labor directly back with the adoptee community.<br /><br /><b>When parents are authors, they tend to write books that focus on these three main intentions:</b></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>What I want my kid to think about themself.</li><li>What I want my kid to think about adoption.</li><li>What I want my kid to think about me and my role in their adoption. </li></ul></div><div>These intentions may or may not be relevant to an adoptee’s actual perspective and may not create space for them to think their own independent thoughts.<br /><br />Last, some adoption books are not inclusive and do not offer adequate representation. White kids can read a book where children and families of color are represented and benefit wonderfully from it. Themes of difference between people are relevant to them - even if they don't share those differences directly (i.e. being a BIPOC kid in a white family). However, BIPOC kids do not benefit from the issues and themes spoken of in books that represent only white kids in the same way. A book that shows how a white child is aware they do not look like their white parents because their eye color or nose shape is different does not translate to the gravity of the experiences of a transracially adopted children. The theme of this book does not respectfully translate to experiences of kids of color who are oppression based on their appearance in ways their white family does not experience. </div><div><br /></div><div>I don't know how I will adapt these books, or if I even can, before I dive into them. But I am happy to do so because it is so necessary. Expecting BIPOC, or disabled, or queer (etc) children to create their own representation and meaning within books where they are not represented is disrespectful and tone-deaf. Unfortunately, sometimes diverse books kids need simply do not exist and they are left with what is available. </div><div><br /></div><div>When I create exercises around adoption books, discussions of who is left out of a book, how we would like to include them in the book if we could, and why are always included. Acknowledgement that a child's experience and representation is missing from available books is always included in my work with every child and family as well as an apology from me as an adult and professional on behalf of the surrounding world, to the child, because this is not OK.</div></div><span><a name='more'></a></span><div><br /></div><div><i style="background-color: white; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.3px;">A spoken version of this blogette is not yet available on the podcast. Comments are closed on my blog to direct discussion traffic all to one place. To check out the versions of this microblog posted to social media, check out my <a href="https://www.facebook.com/declassifiedadoptee" style="color: #444444; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Facebook page</a> and/or <a href="https://www.instagram.com/amandatda" style="color: #444444; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Instagram profile</a>. The comment sections are open there!<br /><br />Like what you see here and want to support my work? I have been providing free content at The Declassified Adoptee for over 11 years now. I am no longer able to keep up at the pace I once was without some financial backing. Sharing my content on social media is always appreciated. If you'd like to support me financially, my Cash App is $amandatda and my <a href="https://paypal.me/AHLTW?locale.x=en_US" style="color: #444444; text-decoration-line: none;">PayPal.me is here</a>. I have an <a href="https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/2Z73M554C1RGL?ref_=wl_share" style="color: #444444; text-decoration-line: none;">Amazon Wishlist too</a>. Your support also frees up my time to continue behind the scenes helping other adoptees with their policy change, community organizing, educational, and writing journey. Thank you!</i></div>The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-17423947094742286622020-11-28T15:58:00.000-05:002020-11-28T15:58:07.201-05:00The Queen's Gambit: Adoption and Trauma Informed Discussion Questions for Episodes 1 & 2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Z_H2Cskm0cM/X8K5XFb4yyI/AAAAAAAAWZs/DzjLjdzvauEXGAZPXfSjVRFQF33-ViYogCLcBGAsYHQ/s1080/1.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Z_H2Cskm0cM/X8K5XFb4yyI/AAAAAAAAWZs/DzjLjdzvauEXGAZPXfSjVRFQF33-ViYogCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/1.png" /></a></div><span style="color: red;">Warning! There are spoilers for episodes 1 and 2 of The Queen's Gambit ahead. These episodes also contain sensitive content including: death, adoption, substance use, orphanage life, racism, sexism, mental illness, & suicide.<br /></span><br />There is a need for deeper discussion that includes the adopted identity of the main character of this hit Nextflix series. After watching the first two episodes (thus far) as an adult adoptee and clinician, I developed a series of questions for individual use or to stimulate conversations in families and clubs gathered to discuss the episodes. These questions guide developmentally, historically, culturally, and adoption-sensitive dialogue about episodes 1 & 2 of The Queen’s Gambit on Netflix. They are intended for individuals 16 and older.<br /><br />Question One: How might our brief glimpse into Beth’s first mother’s seemingly tormented mindset and her published book (as a PhD) in mathematics inform us about Beth’s own mental health and mathematical gifts?<br /><br />Question Two: How does Jolene help girls in the orphanage adjust? How does she help the audience adjust to confusing aspects of orphanage life? How does institutionalized racism play a role in how much Jolene gives to others beyond the good she receives in return?<br /><br />Question Three: During Beth’s pre-adoption interview, she is encouraged to say that she is younger than she is. Agencies were able to do this because Beth's birth certificate would be sealed before her adoptive parents could ever get a chance to see it. An amended birth certificate would be issued in its place which would display her adoptive parents as though they are her birth parents. There is historical evidence that details could be altered from one version of the birth certificate to the next. This would mean that Beth would now have no proof of her real birth date, and her parents would never know the adoption agency lied. This practice of amending and sealing started in the 1930's persists to this day in the majority of U.S. states. What vulnerabilities, past and present, do you think this practice creates for adopted people?<br /><br />Question Four: What does Beth lose when she is adopted? (people, places, belongings, aspects of identity, routines, access to objects of her interest). What does she gain? What is she able to carry through with her from birth through adoption thus far?<br /><br />Question Five: Adopted, orphaned, and fostered children are often painted as liars, thieves, and “behavior problems.” Jolene yells and acts out. Beth steals and lies. How can we empathize with why? Does understanding their perspective in this way help you refrain from labeling and stereotyping?<br /><br />Question Six: Beth’s adoptive mother wants to lie about her divorce so that she and Beth don’t have to lose each other. How can empathy towards preserving Beth’s adoptive family apply to other families? For example: apply this to Beth’s father who was not considered when her first mother died?<br /><br />Question Seven: What do these first episodes inform you about race, gender, age, and ability/disability (ie behavior) and their role in the “adoptability” of children? What do you think it meant to children to be told they are “lucky” to be adopted, in light of these factors?<div><br />Question Eight: During Beth’s childhood era, it was common to expect adopted children to be companions to their parents and not full family members. Today, children are often expected to immediately begin seeing themselves as full family members upon adoption. How can centering on a child’s perceptions better shape these expectations?<br /><br />Question Nine: What genetic and environmental factors shaped Beth’s substance use issue? Do you think she would have developed these issues had she not lost her first mother? Had she not been given tranquilizers in the orphanage? Had she not been adopted (ie into a home with these same pills) and remained in the orphanage?<br /><br />Question Ten: Around the age where Beth learned chess, most of us develop a talent we practice throughout adolescence. Skills from nurturing this talent are then used in the working and family life in our adulthood. What talent did you develop at this age? Were you ever restricted from your talent as a punishment? Do you think this way of punishing Beth for stealing pills was fair?</div><div><br /></div><div>Thank you for reviewing this list of questions. I hope they will provide you and your loved ones with stimulating insight and conversation surrounding these episodes. Please come back next Saturday for more questions covering more episodes.</div><div><br /></div><span><a name='more'></a></span><div><br /></div><div><i style="background-color: white; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.3px;">A spoken version of this blogette is not yet available on the podcast. Comments are closed on my blog to direct discussion traffic all to one place. To check out the versions of this microblog posted to social media, check out my <a href="https://www.facebook.com/declassifiedadoptee" style="color: #444444; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Facebook page</a> and/or <a href="https://www.instagram.com/amandatda" style="color: #444444; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Instagram profile</a>. The comment sections are open there!<br /><br />Like what you see here and want to support my work? I have been providing free content at The Declassified Adoptee for over 11 years now. I am no longer able to keep up at the pace I once was without some financial backing. Sharing my content on social media is always appreciated. If you'd like to support me financially, my Cash App is $amandatda and my <a href="https://paypal.me/AHLTW?locale.x=en_US" style="color: #444444; text-decoration-line: none;">PayPal.me is here</a>. I have an <a href="https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/2Z73M554C1RGL?ref_=wl_share" style="color: #444444; text-decoration-line: none;">Amazon Wishlist too</a>. Your support also frees up my time to continue behind the scenes helping other adoptees with their policy change, community organizing, educational, and writing journey. Thank you!</i></div>The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-80667187207653200992020-11-24T09:00:00.018-05:002020-11-24T09:00:01.507-05:00Adoption Blogette: Parents as Children's Mirrors<div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-igshW41nKls/X7wrnZjSegI/AAAAAAAAWZc/B0_VbsLcexIG50K-uMyNXaxhQYO2O-2rwCLcBGAsYHQ/s926/IMG_4781.JPG" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="926" data-original-width="926" height="400" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-igshW41nKls/X7wrnZjSegI/AAAAAAAAWZc/B0_VbsLcexIG50K-uMyNXaxhQYO2O-2rwCLcBGAsYHQ/w400-h400/IMG_4781.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>I have been looking for a compact mirror to keep in my bag. I was tickled to find this one in my (adoptive) mother’s belongings. I’m not sure where she got it. It has her name engraved on the front.</div><br />It reminds of me one of the foundational concepts I impart to some families when we first start our work together. <i>We are our children’s mirrors.</i> What we reflect back to a child about who they are will become what they believe to be true about themselves.<br /><br />If we are frequently annoyed by a child and are not self-aware of how this impacts our tone, messages, and body language, they may learn “I am an annoying person.”<br /><br />“I am a person who makes others angry a lot.”<br />“I am hard to love.”<br />“I am unpleasant to listen to.”<br />“I am a disappointment.”<br />“I am a troublemaker.”<br /><br />Internalized self-concepts like these don’t give children insight that their behavior could change. It doesn’t give them a drive to try to do something different. These are resignations to a fate within which they feel perpetually trapped. Especially if they fundamentally believe their caregiver’s perceptions of them are impossible to reverse.<br /><br />Children are motivated by healthy relationships with a caregiver who shows them unconditional positive regard. Kids can have traumas and disorders (ie ADHD) that make them highly rejection-sensitive or more likely to not absorb positive messages sent their way. Even so, adults are the most responsible party for every parent-child relationship.<br /><br />Then there are internalized self-concepts not tied to behavior but still very much from what adults reflect back to children.<br /><br />“My color should be overlooked.”<br />“My hair is an inconvenience to be tamed.”<br /><br />I had a world of mirrors growing up that told me I was “too tall,” “too ugly,” “too loud,” “too complicated,” “too emotional,” and “too opinionated.” I was often a veritable firecracker of emotion and obstinance (qualities I have since grown to love).<br /><br />Although my mother was frequently openly frustrated with me, she did think so ridiculously highly of me to a point I sometimes was embarrassed. I’m not embarrassed by it anymore. I think the internalized self-reflections from adults who openly and unabashedly care for me saved me from myself in my darkest moments.<br /><br />The smudge on the upper right-hand of the mirror the mirror is her fingerprint. Perhaps she had touched crafting adhesive before handling the mirror.<br /><br />It’s fitting. I think I will leave it there.<div><br /></div><div><i>This blogette is the full version of a truncated microblog posted to my grid on my <a href="https://www.instagram.com/amandatda" target="_blank">Instagram profile</a>.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><a href="http://www.declassifiedadoptee.com/p/what-is-blogette.html" target="_blank"><i>Why do I call this a "blogette?"</i></a><br /><span><a name='more'></a></span><div><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14.3px;">----------</span></div><div><i>A spoken version of this blogette is not yet available on the podcast. Comments are closed on my blog to direct discussion traffic all to one place. To check out the versions of this microblog posted to social media, check out my <a href="https://www.facebook.com/declassifiedadoptee" target="_blank">Facebook page</a> and/or <a href="https://www.instagram.com/amandatda" target="_blank">Instagram profile</a>. The comment sections are open there!<br /><br />Like what you see here and want to support my work? I have been providing free content at The Declassified Adoptee for over 11 years now. I am no longer able to keep up at the pace I once was without some financial backing. Sharing my content on social media is always appreciated. If you'd like to support me financially, my Cash App is $amandatda and my <a href="https://paypal.me/AHLTW?locale.x=en_US">PayPal.me is here</a>. I have an <a href="https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/2Z73M554C1RGL?ref_=wl_share">Amazon Wishlist too</a>. Your support also frees up my time to continue behind the scenes helping other adoptees with their policy change, community organizing, educational, and writing journey. Thank you!</i></div></div>The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comPhiladelphia, PA, USA39.9525839 -75.165221511.642350063821155 -110.3214715 68.262817736178846 -40.0089715tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-56640609172027104692020-10-15T21:02:00.003-04:002020-10-17T10:04:39.903-04:00My Story: Before I was Adopted<div><i>Content Warning: birth, birth trauma, separation, infertility, brief mentions of sexual assault.</i></div><div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/u/2/blog/post/edit/8798620757434254998/2339200319447373928#"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MNYcotMau0k/T_zVZArW-FI/AAAAAAAAQMc/J-ojPZG_5yY/s400/DSC02543.JPG" /></a></div></div><br />It was the early spring of 1985 when a 13 year old girl stepped off an airplane. Seven months pregnant, she had arrived to what was now her new home. Her sister lived here, in Tennessee. And she had flown well over 1,000 miles to her sister the moment her mother discovered she was pregnant. It is hard to imagine the thoughts that must have gone through her sister's mind, 14 years her senior, as she greeted her at the gate. The young teen carried with her only two maternity outfits and a few sample size toiletries. She had a story to tell, and her big sister would be the first to hear about it.<div><br /></div><div>I was part of this story. But it would take 25 years for me to hear it. This is the story of where I came from, and of how I got here. On this earth. I have written and re-written, published and un-published, this story multiple times. I was not finished with the blog post I wanted to publish today. I thought about what I could write instead. Searching through my blog, I found this narrative. I had forgotten that I unpublished it yet again some years ago. I struggled to tell this story because I had only ever heard it through the eyes of other people.</div><div><br /></div><div>After we reunited, my first mothermother told me that she attempted to hide that she was pregnant with me. She attended school each day wearing a men's large winter goal to conceal her growing form. It took nearly seven months, but her guidance counselor finally took notice. Question after question, my mother couldn't answer. The counselor called her mother, my grandmother, to come retrieve her. Shortly thereafter, she was sent away on that airplane.</div><div><br /></div><div>When I think back about all of the times I attempted to share this story, I feel an immense compassion for my younger self. At times, I felt challenged to decide which parts of this story were mine to share. At other times, when I was advocating for legislative change, I was met with the criticism of legislators. Some claimed that adoptees will just use their access to information to embarrass their families. No one wants to fulfill a stereotype.</div><div><br /></div><div>There was another story that ran parallel to this one before the two stories would converge.</div><div><br /></div><div>At the same time, and for the nine years prior, a young couple prayed fervently for a child. They tried for nearly a decade to conceive. Knowing very little about adoption at the time, the couple heeded the advice of their church family to pursue adoption. They found a nearby faith-based adoption agency and applied.</div><div><br /></div><div>This couple, my eventual adoptive parents, never minded telling their part of the story. Being able to adopt a child had been one of the best moments of their lives. They only ever knew their part of the story. From their perspective, it was not much different than the stories told by many adoptive families at that time.</div><div><br /></div><div>While they were praying, my first mother was enrolled at a school for pregnant teenagers. She was also signed up for counseling at a religious adoption agency at the behest of her big sister's pastor's wife. At counselling, she learned different concepts than the life skills taught at her unique high school. Her adoption counselor talked to her about adoption. She asked her to think about what it would be like to create an adoption plan. Computer print-outs were slid across a table for her review. They contained early versions of what we now know to be "adoptive parent profiles." What might it be like for this librarian or this engineer to parent her baby along with their well-adjusted son as a big brother?</div><div><br /></div><div>At this point in telling the story, another memory creeps over my shoulders as to why this has not been an easy story to share. I recall being a newly minted social worker going on job interviews. Some potential employers spent hours on my blog, scouring for all of the right opinions on adoption. At least one mentioned that they had done so, outright. My concern in the social services sector, even as one of its professionals, is that it is too taboo to describe situations when agencies do wrong. I fear not being believed, because this part of the story has not always been met with belief. It is hard for people to accept that professionals within an institution that people commonly associate with positivity could do something wrong.</div><div><br /></div><div>Unfortunately, the story has not yet reached the worst of it. My first mother went into labor, one week after her 14th birthday, at 40 weeks and five days gestation. It was in that moment, she later described to me, that she could not longer keep me safe from the outside world. To her recollection, she was a mere bystander in the delivery room. A sheet was drawn in front of her face. She pushed for what seemed like forever. When she was certain she heard my cries she also heard a prompt to tell her to count backwards from ten. I was delivered with forceps, according to records. She woke up, childless, and no longer on the maternity unit.</div><div><br /></div><div>That part of the story has always made me hesitant to share it. It feels violent and violating. I see the pain that it causes people when I relay my birth. I am capable of carrying the story without falling apart. But I am not always sure that others are. I consider it my burden to bear. And no, I do not regret knowing.</div><span><a name='more'></a></span><div><br /></div><div>My future parents continued through the application process at this point. They were unaware of my existence at this time. My future father was facing a potentially positive career shift that would move them to New Jersey. Would the time spent applying at this agency be wasted if they moved before a baby was available? My unsealed files would later reveal that this is why they were chosen. They would be far away from where my first family originally resided in New England. And, they would be far from where my first mother currently lived, in Tennessee. It was noted that this reduced the chance that my first family would ever find me.</div><div><br /></div><div>My first mother did not understand why the adoption worker from the agency was now at the hospital. She did not know who called to inform them that she was there. She did not understand why she was away from the other mothers and babies - separated from me. She described it as "an act of Congress" to get to hold me. She did get to hold me, though. My aunt was there to advocate for her. </div><div><br /></div><div>She named me "Christen Davida," after her brother who made her feel included and after her other brother who recently died. She grew up the youngest of 9. Food was scarce and parental attention scarcer. Getting an decent serving of food at a table of siblings growing up was always a struggle.</div><div><br /></div><div>When it was time for her discharge, she refused to leave without me. It seemed that the minds of the hospital staff around her were already made up. Her sister went to the nurse's station for help. She was willing to help raise me with my first mother and her three children, if that is what my first mother wanted. Now alone in her room, my first mother received a visitor. It was an adoption worker from the agency. She brought with her papers that she asked my first mother to sign. She wanted her to sign me into foster care.</div><div><br /></div><div>She thought back to the printout of the potential adoptive parents she selected "just in case" she chose adoption. She had chosen the profile of a journalist and his wife. They had a son, which was important. My first mother had never known life without siblings herself. Back in the hospital room, the adoption worker proceeded to ask her a series of questions that she could not answer.</div><div><br /></div><div>"How will you care for this baby? What do you have to offer her?"</div><div><br /></div><div>It would be an "open adoption," she was told. I would be given all of the information about her. She could receive updates about me yearly by contacting the agency. When I turned sixteen, they would facilitate a reunion. They promised that our separation would not last forever.</div><div><br /></div><div>She signed the papers. And I was gone.</div><div><br /></div><div>The agency began the legal process of terminating my biological father's rights. In my files, I found notifications to the court that they tried to locate him and that he would not respond. I did not expect to find any response from him. Admitting that I was his would seal his fate with the district attorney. There is enough emotion in this entry as it is. I will save my conception circumstances for another day.</div><div><br /></div><div>In a month's time, my first mother needed to appear in court. The time for my "free" room and board with the agency's foster parent had expired. If she would not sign over her rights, she would have to pay. She had to say "yes" to terminating her rights multiple times, because the judge was unconvinced of her answer. She was unconvinced of her answer. The worker from the hospital was there that day. She was intimidating.</div><div><br /></div><div>Before long, my parents would receive a call. A baby was available. I was available. My future father and mother, a land surveyor and a homemaker, were told they were just what my first mother wanted. My records would later indicate that the agency believed them to be a good match because I could pass as their genetic offspring. They clung to each other and jumped and danced in their kitchen.</div><div><br /></div><div>My first mother gave the adoption agency an outfit for me. She gave them a small stuffed bear, a twin bear to one that she would keep with her always. I never got them. The agency told my parents that I was unwanted. That I had no name. They were truthful about how I was conceived maybe because it made the agency narrative that my first mom just wanted to "move on" with her life, more real. My parents had desperately wanted to be parents, but never at anyone else's expense.</div><div><br /></div><div>In a private room in my foster home, I met my new parents for the first time. They were not allowed to meet my foster parents. They were warned ahead of time that I cried relentlessly for other pre-adoptive couples. I did not cry for them. My adoptive mother often told me throughout my childhood about the little boy who slipped into the room. She thought he must have been my foster brother. He wanted to say goodbye. "Goodbye Sarah" he said. Maybe that had been their name for me?</div><div><div><br /></div><div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/u/2/blog/post/edit/8798620757434254998/2339200319447373928#"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JUUdGYD0HGo/T_zVgSCQQ2I/AAAAAAAAQMk/NoCcKlNsBL4/s400/DSC02541.JPG" /></a></div><div><br /></div></div><div>They were given a slender folder with my agency narrative. This file contained a few bits of information from the agency and a one-page heavily censored narrative that described my original family. Almost unnoticeable in the file was a tiny scrap of paper my foster mother had slipped inside. On this note, she had written my birth statistics with very faint pencil lines.</div><div><br /></div><div>High school continued on for my first mother. My biological father was prosecuted for his crime. He did not receive the full sentencing that he deserved. My new parents offered a sample of my blood to the agency to pass along, but were told it was not needed. The agency told the district attorney that my new parents had refused to cooperate. For the next 25 years, my first mother would carry the agency's words, that my new parents thought the DNA request was "inappropriate."</div><div><br /></div><div>I received the third name of my life thus far, at 8 months old. My parents named me "Amanda" which means "worthy to be loved." My middle name was JoAnn, which means "Gift from God." The agency pressured them to adopt soon after. They could not afford to. I was raised an only child.</div><div><br /></div><div>I do not think it was ever intended for me to know this story. At the time of my birth, my birth and adoption records were supposed to be forever sealed. When I was in the 9th grade, hundreds of miles away, activists in Tennessee changed that law. They made it so I could find my information, so that I could find my first mother, and so that I could fit the pieces together. </div><div><br /></div><div>Now I'm the one that gets to tell the story.</div></div><div><br /></div><div>----------</div><i>Want to hear the spoken version of this article? Check out <a href="https://anchor.fm/amandatda/episodes/My-Story-Before-I-was-Adopted-content-warning-el4lr8">the episode page</a>. Comments are closed on my blog to direct discussion traffic all to one place. Come visit <a href="https://www.facebook.com/declassifiedadoptee/posts/3691164464245720">this thread</a> on my Facebook page to give your reactions to this article or the podcast episode and share your thoughts. </i><div><br /></div><div>I have been providing free content at The Declassified Adoptee for over 11 years now. I am no longer able to keep up at the pace I once was without some financial backing. Sharing my content on social media is always appreciated - thank you! If you'd like to support me financially, my Cash App is $amandatda and my <a href="https://paypal.me/AHLTW?locale.x=en_US">PayPal.me is here</a>. I have an <a href="https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/2Z73M554C1RGL?ref_=wl_share">Amazon Wishlist too</a>. Your support also frees up my time to continue behind the scenes helping other adoptees with their policy change, community organizing, educational, and writing journey. Thank you!</div>The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-59767436156063746242020-10-13T14:11:00.003-04:002020-10-13T14:11:55.759-04:00Vlog #5: How to Approach Adoptees to Build Common Ground<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="324" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/G7UL8hpRGnQ" width="480" youtube-src-id="G7UL8hpRGnQ"></iframe></div><div><br /></div>In an effort to make my work more accessible on more platforms to more ages and media preferences, I can be found on YouTube and at my new podcast. My podcast focuses on providing a video version of new blog posts. And my YouTube vlogs focuses on updating topics I may have already written about and telling the stories about the time in history when I originally wrote on a topic. I hope to post a vlog every Tuesday. I will try my best.<div><br />This week's vlog revisited an old post of mine from 2013 entitled, "<a href="http://www.declassifiedadoptee.com/2013/01/how-to-read-adoptee-blog-without.html" target="_blank">How to Read an Adoptee Blog Without Getting Offended</a>." I discussed why I would no longer word the title of this topic that way. I revisited the original tips I gave with new information and examples. And I discuss an additional tip about how to value and appraise adoptees for their full humanity and not just for their parenting advice.<br /><br />If you liked this vlog, please comment, "like," and subscribe at YouTube. It really helps me out. To see daily updates and insights from me, make sure to follow me on Instagram @amandatda</div><span><a name='more'></a></span><div><br />--------<br />I have been providing free content at The Declassified Adoptee for over 11 years now. I am no longer able to keep up at the pace I once was without some financial backing. Sharing my content on social media is always appreciated - thank you! If you'd like to support me financially, my Cash App is $amandatda and my <a href="https://www.blogger.com/u/2/blog/post/edit/8798620757434254998/8689597811023332992#">PayPal.me is here</a>. I have an <a href="https://www.blogger.com/u/2/blog/post/edit/8798620757434254998/8689597811023332992#">Amazon Wishlist too</a>. Your support also frees up my time to continue behind the scenes helping other adoptees with their policy change, community organizing, educational, and writing projects. Thank you!<p></p></div>The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-86895978110233329922020-10-08T01:06:00.003-04:002020-10-13T13:59:23.654-04:00Vlog #4: Five Reasons Why I Searched and Reunited (Adoption Reunion)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="275" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/718xuVJe_Yc" width="462" youtube-src-id="718xuVJe_Yc"></iframe></div><br /><div><br /></div>In an effort to make my work more accessible on more platforms to more ages and media preferences, I can be found on YouTube and at my new podcast. My podcast focuses on providing an orated version of new blog posts. And my YouTube vlogs focuses on updating topics I may have already written about and telling the stories about the time in history when I originally wrote on a topic. I hope to post a vlog every Tuesday. I will try my best.<br /><br />This week's vlog revisited an old post of mine from 2013 entitled, "<a href="http://www.declassifiedadoptee.com/2013/02/do-we-really-know-what-adoptees-are.html?m=1" target="_blank">Do we Really Know What Adoptees Are Thinking? 4 Reasons Why I Decided to Reunite</a>." I discussed this blog post and the 4 original "reasons." Then, I added one more. Can you guess what it might be?<br /><br />If you liked this vlog, please comment, "like," and subscribe at YouTube. It really helps me out. To see daily updates and insights from me, make sure to follow me on Instagram @amandatda<br />--------<br /><span><a name='more'></a></span>
<br />I have been providing free content at The Declassified Adoptee for over 11 years now. I am no longer able to keep up at the pace I once was without some financial backing. Sharing my content on social media is always appreciated - thank you! If you'd like to support me financially, my Cash App is $amandatda and my <a href="https://paypal.me/AHLTW?locale.x=en_US">PayPal.me is here</a>. I have an <a href="https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/2Z73M554C1RGL?ref_=wl_share">Amazon Wishlist too</a>. Your support also frees up my time to continue behind the scenes helping other adoptees with their policy change, community organizing, educational, and writing projects. Thank you!<div></div>The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-85294938104423570802020-10-01T16:40:00.002-04:002020-10-01T16:40:31.987-04:00On Choosing Your Adopted Child First: the Abby Johnson Dilemma<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-l2VR4PInjBw/X3FaFtUYbbI/AAAAAAAAWWQ/v90fp3ndcXkCuItH195CXw29ESAnWdPNACLcBGAsYHQ/s940/Tavris%2BAronson%2BThe%2BPyramid%2Bof%2BChoice.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="788" data-original-width="940" height="312" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-l2VR4PInjBw/X3FaFtUYbbI/AAAAAAAAWWQ/v90fp3ndcXkCuItH195CXw29ESAnWdPNACLcBGAsYHQ/w372-h312/Tavris%2BAronson%2BThe%2BPyramid%2Bof%2BChoice.png" width="372" /></a></div><div><br /></div><div>Have you ever wondered what goes through the mind of an abortion worker as they push through angry protesters to clock in for another day of work at a clinic? From accounts that I've read, they're dedicated to their jobs. They believe in the health care services that they provide to their patients. But the screaming and cursing; the threats that they receive. These factors may also play a role.</div><div><br /></div><div>People who go through “great pain, discomfort, effort, or embarrassment” to accomplish something will be happier with it than if the experience had been easy, effortless, and pain-free (<a href="https://amzn.to/341yyJb" target="_blank">cite, page 18 on Kindle</a>). This was first discovered by Elliott Aronson, a student and contemporary of Leon Festinger. Most people who have had an introductory level education into behavioral science may be surprised to learn this cognitivist twist. That a punishment, such as screaming at someone entering their workplace, could have a better chance of reinforcing their job choice than discouraging it. </div><div><br /></div><div>It seems like Abby Johnson knew this, though. On one of Abby's websites, a former clinic worker described the first time she saw Abby. This worker pushed through the crowd of screaming protesters she'd grown accustomed to. She saw Abby standing there, quietly smiling and holding a sign. Instead of calling the clinic worker a “murderer,” Abby's sign simply said, “No one grows up wanting to be an abortion worker.” Amidst all of the regular occurrences of enduring insults and feeling unsafe - clinic workers could find an alternative narrative in Abby's sign. The sign, and her smile, offered the opportunity to feel more understood. </div><div><br /></div><div>Maybe, the sign was more than that, though. Thinking of it from that cognitive perspective, perhaps it was more than just a rewarding experience of meeting a kinder person. It was both the creation of and a relief from cognitive dissonance. According to the former worker’s very own words, Abby defied the stereotype of a clinic protester. This worker couldn’t reject Abby's bids for her attention for the same reasons that she walked past other demonstrators so many times before. And that’s what got her to consider Abby's unique message. This story can be found on the website of Abby's non-profit, And Then There Were None.</div><div><br /></div><div>In this instance, it seemed like Abby knew what she was doing. She knew how to get people to change their minds about something and to see her pro-life point of view. Perhaps she was aware of how to use cognitive dissonance in this way, to radically change someone's mind. However, it's also true that being aware of how cognitive dissonance works does not mean those who are aware are therefore entirely impervious to its effects.</div><div><br /></div><div>This is where I arrive to the point of Abby's activism journey that I still don't get. I don't understand how Abby moved from knowing she could change minds with kindness to her new approach of being "politely rude." After all, that is the actual name of her popular podcast. </div><div><br /></div><div>That is to say, the Abby on social media seems a lot different than the Abby smiling on the picket line. She seems to now be a person who disengages with someone if they so much as dislike or disagree with what she says. With the increasing publicity since her RNC speech, both respectful dissent and insults have been directed her way. Yet she has blocked insults and respectful critique alike and rarely responds. In fact, I heard from several colleagues that they were blocked by Abby simply for offering dialogue of respectful dissent of her opinions.</div><div><br /></div><div>Not only has Abby disengaged from critique, has moved outside of her specific area of interest as a former Planned Parenthood director decrying abortion. She uses her social media to post what could very well be described as propaganda. Her posts mock professional athletes for taking a stand against racism. More specifically, she told NBA players that no one cared what they thought. She paid no respects to Supreme Court Justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, upon her death. She instead used it as a opportunity to claim that Ginsburg used her career to advocate for children to die. In another post, Abby claimed that COVID19 deaths were "EXTREMELY low" and were a conspiracy or sorts to keep people out of churches. </div><div><br /></div><div>And, as I wrote before, she used her black transracially adopted son as a talking point in a video as to why police racial profiling is ok. She stated, without hesitation, that it's OK for police to be more suspicious around her son because black men are more violent than white men.</div><div><br /></div><div>Let me be clear about what I mean by "propaganda." I don't intend to be hyperbolic simply to prove a point. According to the dictionary, propaganda is "information, ideas, or rumors deliberately spread widely to help or harm a person, group, movement, institution, nation, etc." (<a href="https://www.dictionary.com/browse/propaganda" target="_blank">cite</a>). This means, it doesn't matter if what is said is true, if it furthers a political cause.</div><div><br /></div><div>As I discussed in my last blog post, her claims about violence being caused by being black is a debunked viewpoint borrowed from biological essentialism. Another post of hers claimed that Democrats historically supported slavery. Bui, it neglected to mention that the platform switch between parties occurred after the Civil War (<a href="https://www.livescience.com/34241-democratic-republican-parties-switch-platforms.html" target="_blank">cite</a>). Despite how misleadingly low the 99% survival rate appears, COVID19 is said to currently be the third leading cause of death in the United States (<a href="https://www.webmd.com/lung/news/20200818/covid-the-third-leading-cause-of-death-in-the-us" target="_blank">cite</a>).</div><div><br /></div><div>Another of Abby's Instagram posts framed Ginsburg as having a sort of malice towards babies rather than noting her advocacy for women. In reality, it was absolutely women for whom Ginsburg fought. In the 1970's, Air Force Captain, Susan Struck, was told she must abort her pregnancy or be immediately discharged from her military position. Ginsburg became her lawyer and fought for Struck's right to choose to keep both her job and her pregnancy (<a href="https://www.military.com/history/how-ruth-bader-ginsburg-helped-end-militarys-policy-of-forced-abortion.html" target="_blank">cite</a>).</div><div><br /></div><div>All of these posts can be found on Abby's Instagram profile. I point them out because nothing about being pro-life demands that someone also disagree with the NBA's activism, or to dislike Democrats, or to diminish the effects of COVID19. Nothing about being pro-life means that someone <i>must </i>hold sociologically disputed views on race. Abby arguably does this because she is unilaterally aligned with Trump. Ostensibly, this is because of his promises to nominate justices to the Supreme Court who will overturn Roe v. Wade (<a href="https://www.cnbc.com/2016/10/19/trump-ill-appoint-supreme-court-justices-to-overturn-roe-v-wade-abortion-case.html" target="_blank">cite</a>).</div><div><br /></div><div>And again, this Abby is a far cry from the Abby smiling warmly in front of an abortion clinic.</div><div><br /></div><div>This brings me to what cognitive psychologists call "the pyramid of choice" (<a href="https://amzn.to/341yyJb" target="_blank">cite</a>). This "pyramid" is described in the book, "Mistakes Were Made (but not by me)," by Carol Tavris and Elliott Aronson. According to these cognitive psychologists, the way someone resolves one ethical dilemma primes them for how they will resolve future ethical dilemmas. It's not a slippery slope. Rather, each time a person goes against their values and self-justifies their choice to do so, it becomes increasingly easier to do so for future decisions. And, we conjure the image of a pyramid when this person looks back and sees how far they have moved from their original values or ways of behaving after the first time they self-justified a choice.</div><div><br /></div><div>Tavris and Aronson gave an example of two students who take a test and know they will fail. Both students may value honesty. In the example, one student opted to cheat and therefore choose the good grade over being honest. The other student opted to fail and therefore choose honesty over a good grade. The student who cheated self-justified their choice by deciding that those who don't cheat are self-righteous. The student who failed further hardened in their decision never to cheat. They formed opinions that those who cheat lack integrity and morals. When either one of these students is soon faced again with a decision to choose honesty or another option, they are now in a different place to do so than they were before taking that test.</div><div><br /></div><div>To be transparent, I don't know if Abby said what she did about race, profiling, and her son because she went down her own pyramid of choice. I'm not privy to her mind to know if something like supporting Trump because he wants to overturn Roe led to the video she posted about police brutality and her black son. My concern is that other prolife parents could - especially parents of transracially adopted black children. Its my hope to reach them so that they do not.</div><div><br /></div><div>I can imagine the discomfort of being a pro-life parent to a child of color in this election. They must decide if they will vote for a pro-life candidate whom, among other things, is outspoken against anti-racist education (<a href="https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/executive-order-combating-race-sex-stereotyping/" target="_blank">cite</a>) and misrepresents police reform (<a href="https://www.donaldjtrump.com/media/new-trump-campaign-ad-you-wont-be-safe-in-joe-bidens-america/" target="_blank">cite</a>). Even though I was not transracially adopted, I watched my adoptive father go through this. A life-long Republican and pro-life advocate, my dad could not stomach the conflicts this current administration created with his other values. He managed this by changing parties.</div><div><br /></div><div>This election isn't the only opportunity there is to ensure that our values remain protective of adopted and fostered children. Choosing children first, particularly our own children who are our responsibility to protect, is a daily practice. How do to that involves developing a cognitive skill set for parents to challenge themselves before making choices. The idea of choosing your child first is the very first cognitive skill I aim to impart here. A parent simply asking themselves, "is this opinion, vote, or action putting my child first?" is an excellent place to start.</div><div><br /></div><div>Tavris and Aronson offered insight about how to handle a friend or a public figure speaking or acting in ways that challenge our values (<a href="https://amzn.to/341yyJb" target="_blank">cite</a>). We are usually inclined to "cancel" the person outright - or - to convince ourselves that they must have meant something else. Or, we may even try to convince ourselves that we agree with what they said. As an alternative, and something I covered on my Instagram microblog, parents can follow these steps*:</div><div><ol style="text-align: left;"><li>Love the friend or otherwise appreciate the humanity of the person in question.</li><li>Condemn the mistake that they made.</li><li>Expect accountability from this person.</li><li>Allow yourself time to decide if new boundaries are needed.</li></ol></div><div>What about when we are the person who made a mistake? Maybe as a parent someone said something in front of their child that they shouldn't have. Maybe a parent has views that they now realize were not supportive of their child. Tavris and Aronson cover this too in a chapter of <a href="https://amzn.to/341yyJb" target="_blank">their book</a> they call "Letting go and Owning up." Here are some steps that I extracted from this chapter.</div><div><ol style="text-align: left;"><li>Learn to recognize when we are in a state of dissonance. This is a feeling of discomfort that arises when our behavior or thoughts are in conflict with our values.</li><li>Deal with how dissonance makes us feel without making impulsive choices or self-justifying our behavior to feel better.</li><li>Own up to mistakes. Admit that we made a mistake. Accept responsibility.</li><li>Adjust accordingly. Decide if our values need to change or if our words and behavior need to change to align with our values.</li></ol></div><div>No one is immune to mistakes or faulty viewpoints. No one is a perfect parent. I firmly believe (or at least hope) that most parents out there would take as many opportunities as they could to choose their children first. Every parent should have as many tools as possible to ensure that choosing their children first is always something they know how to do. Of course, cognitive science is just one tool. And this cognitive analysis I've written here is just one way to analyze parenting in the midst of political turmoil. For Abby Johnson - I don't think it's too late for her to change. I think her son is worthy of that.</div><div><br /></div><div>When my dad changed political parties in response to value conflicts with the current Republican representation, I felt a familiar emotion inside my chest. I was a little girl, the last time I felt this way. I had spent years riding around in the car with my dad, listening to Rush Limbaugh. On one such car trip, I said to him, "Daddy, why does Rush hate girls so much?" I don't remember much of what I made of Limbaugh as a little girl. But I remember feeling uncomfortable by so many of the things he said. </div><div><br /></div><div>My dad never answered. Instead, he turned the dial to Cool 98.3 - our favorite oldies station. My dad never listened to Rush Limbaugh again. And that feeling I got? It was the feeling of safety and validation. I knew my dad had chosen me first. I think every child is worthy of that.</div><div><br /></div><div>—————</div>The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-27258353824618789212020-09-29T01:04:00.002-04:002020-09-29T01:04:31.245-04:00VLOG #3: Seven Things Adoptees Need to Hear From Absolutely Everyone<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="362" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/culU_oGwQXc" width="479" youtube-src-id="culU_oGwQXc"></iframe></div><div><br /></div>In an effort to make my work more accessible on more platforms to more ages and media preferences, I can be found on YouTube and at my new podcast. My podcast focuses on providing an orated version of new blog posts. And my YouTube vlogs focuses on updating topics I may have already written about and telling the stories about the time in history when I originally wrote on a topic. I hope to post a vlog every Tuesday. I will try my best.<div><br />This week's vlog revisited an old post of mine from 2013 entitled, "<a href="http://www.declassifiedadoptee.com/2013/02/5-things-adoptees-need-to-hear-from.html" target="_blank">5 Things Adoptees Need to Hear from Absolutely Everyone</a>." I discussed this blog post and the 5 original "things." Then, I added two more to the five based on what I've learned since I first wrote that piece.<br /><br />If you liked this vlog, please comment, "like," and subscribe at YouTube. It really helps me out. To see daily updates and insights from me, make sure to follow me on Instagram @amandatda</div><span><a name='more'></a></span><div>--------<br /><br />I have been providing free content at The Declassified Adoptee for over 11 years now. I am no longer able to keep up at the pace I once was without some financial backing. Sharing my content on social media is always appreciated - thank you! If you'd like to support me financially, my Cash App is $amandatda and my <a href="https://paypal.me/AHLTW?locale.x=en_US">PayPal.me is here</a>. I have an <a href="https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/2Z73M554C1RGL?ref_=wl_share">Amazon Wishlist too</a>. Your support also frees up my time to continue behind the scenes helping other adoptees with their policy change, community organizing, educational, and writing en devours. Thank you!</div>The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-50920196793337517202020-09-22T13:01:00.003-04:002020-09-22T13:01:46.195-04:00VLOG #2: Why do Some of us use "First mom" or "Original mom" and not "Birth mom?"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="317" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/7Tky97HzEQo" width="478" youtube-src-id="7Tky97HzEQo"></iframe></div><p>In an effort to make my work more accessible on more platforms to more ages and media preferences, I can be found on YouTube and at my new podcast. My podcast focuses on providing an orated version of new blog posts. And my YouTube vlogs focuses on updating topics I may have already written about and telling the stories about the time in history when I originally wrote on a topic. I hope to post a vlog every Tuesday. I will try my best.</p><div>This week's vlog focused on a question I imagine many younger parents (adoptive, foster, and first) and adoptees to have about adoption terminology. Why do some of us use "First Mom" or "Original Mom" and not "Birth Mom?" Revisiting these terms was inspired by several posts in The Declassified Adoptee blog archives. But this post I wrote for Lost Daughters in 2012 is probably the most relevant: "<a href="http://www.thelostdaughters.com/2012/11/nablopomo-day-23-what-should-we-call.html" target="_blank">NaBloPoMo Day 23: What Should we Call People Connected to Adoption?</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>If you liked this vlog, please comment, "like," and subscribe at YouTube. It really helps me out. To see daily updates and insights from me, make sure to follow me on Instagram @amandatda</div><a name='more'></a><div>--------</div><p>I have been providing free content at The Declassified Adoptee for over 11 years now. I am no longer able to keep up at the pace I once was without some financial backing. Sharing my content on social media is always appreciated - thank you! If you'd like to support me financially, my Cash App is $amandatda and my <a href="https://paypal.me/AHLTW?locale.x=en_US">PayPal.me is here</a>. I have an <a href="https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/2Z73M554C1RGL?ref_=wl_share">Amazon Wishlist too</a>. Your support also frees up my time to continue behind the scenes helping other adoptees with their policy change, community organizing, educational, and writing en devours. Thank you!</p>The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-55943227539874521922020-09-22T11:53:00.002-04:002020-09-22T11:53:45.342-04:00VLOG #1: “Would you Rather Have Been Aborted?” Unpacking This for Parents (CW: rape)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="317" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/a952Jce6Gqw" width="480" youtube-src-id="a952Jce6Gqw"></iframe></div><div><br /></div>In an effort to make my work more accessible on more platforms to more ages and media preferences, I can be found on YouTube and at my new podcast. My podcast focuses on providing an orated version of new blog posts. And my YouTube vlogs focuses on updating topics I may have already written about and telling the stories about the time in history when I originally wrote on a topic. I hope to post a vlog every Tuesday. I will try my best.<div><br /></div><div>Last week's vlog focused on the question that is frequently posed to adoptees, "Would you rather have been aborted." It was inspired by several posts in The Declassified Adoptee blog archives with this post from 2013 being the most relevant: "<a href="http://www.declassifiedadoptee.com/2013/02/why-conflation-of-adoption-and-abortion.html" target="_blank">Why Conflating Adoption and Abortion Really Isn't Helping Anything</a>."</div><div><br /></div><div>If you liked this vlog, please comment, "like," and subscribe at YouTube. It really helps me out.</div><span><a name='more'></a></span><div>--------</div>I have been providing free content at The Declassified Adoptee for over 11 years now. I am no longer able to keep up at the pace I once was without some financial backing. Sharing my content on social media is always appreciated - thank you! If you'd like to support me financially, my Cash App is $amandatda and my <a href="https://paypal.me/AHLTW?locale.x=en_US">PayPal.me is here</a>. I have an <a href="https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/2Z73M554C1RGL?ref_=wl_share">Amazon Wishlist too</a>. Your support also frees up my time to continue behind the scenes helping other adoptees with their policy change, community organizing, educational, and writing en devours. Thank you!The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-77127575442199762842020-08-28T17:17:00.002-04:002020-09-17T12:23:31.914-04:00This Adult Adoptee Takes Down that Abby Johnson Video<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZZjTeKu3UjQ/X0loIEPJaUI/AAAAAAAAWS8/6xAFUb3Gf58NnUg3PzWs4R11qMd50uYeACLcBGAsYHQ/s1880/The%2BDeclassified%2BAdoptee%2BAbby%2BJohnson%2BQuote.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1576" data-original-width="1880" height="336" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZZjTeKu3UjQ/X0loIEPJaUI/AAAAAAAAWS8/6xAFUb3Gf58NnUg3PzWs4R11qMd50uYeACLcBGAsYHQ/w400-h336/The%2BDeclassified%2BAdoptee%2BAbby%2BJohnson%2BQuote.png" width="400" /></a></div><br />“I haven't known if I should talk about this or not.” With these words, Abby Johnson began a 15 minute <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUHA7aPOlGM&feature=youtu.be">YouTube video</a> on police brutality. Johnson is a former Planned Parenthood director turned pro-life activist. She is also an adoptive mother to a black son. I decided to watch her video with an earnest desire to hear her thoughts. As adoption is my wheelhouse, I need to know what an adoptive parent with a major platform thinks about an issue. I especially need to know how they may influence other adoptive parents because this, in turn, impacts adopted children. I was willing to put aside my fundamental disagreement with the ways in which she discusses abortion in hope that she, as the white mother of a black child, might use her platform to condemn police brutality toward black Americans.<div><br /></div><div>To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. I immediately began writing a blog post about what it feels like to be an adopted person whose reality plays second fiddle to their pro-life mother’s political work. My adoptive mother was on the board of directors of a crisis pregnancy center. <i>I know what this feels like.</i> This blog post I began writing became filled with guidance and advice on how to overcome political cognitive dissonance to ensure parents choose their children first. But, I soon realized that it was necessary for me to take down Johnson’s harmful arguments before I could publish that blog entry. </div><span></span><div><br /></div><div>“As you can all see, I'm a very white person.” Johnson said. “And, I found that as a white conservative "non-woke" person, when I speak on racial issues, my voice isn't wanted. But, then when I'm silent on the issues, I'm told that I need to speak. And so, as a white person, I feel like I don't... I don't really know what to say.”</div><div><br /></div><div>I'm deeply familiar with this state of being. I have been here myself. This is the "re-integration" stage (stage 3 of 6) on the Helm's White Racial Identity Model (<a href="https://www.blogger.com/u/2/blog/post/edit/8798620757434254998/8529493810442357080#">cite</a>). Someone in this stage is aware that white privilege and racism exist. However, they are unaware of what it means for white privilege to be "unearned." And, they are still looking for ways that biracial/indigenous/people-of-color (BIPOC) are responsible for the hardships that they face. White folks at this stage tend to perceive BIPOC activists as unfair or even "oppressive" to white people who give their opinions on race. This comes from the fact that the white person in this stage does not fully understand the conversation they've invited themselves into. Therefore, they do not understand the responses they receive either.</div><span><a name='more'></a></span><div><br /></div><div>I don’t know what to make about her next statement, about Candace Owens. It is not clear to me why Johnson mentioned her. But I will continue with my previous point and say this. A white person who spends deep, contemplative time listening to a diversity of BIPOC voices and black scholarship and literature no longer feels that the race relations conversation is "damned if you do, damned if you don't." And this does not happen by only listening to one black voice, such as Owens, that speaks in ways that confirm what someone already believes. In other words, "I don't really know what to say" is where Johnson ideally ought to have ended her video.</div><div><br /></div><div>Johnson went on to introduce herself as a mom of eight children - three girls and five boys. She has a biracial son, named Jude. She said she is going to have to have "a different conversation" with Jude than her other "very very pale skinned white sons." Why? She explained that her black child will grow up to be "a tall, probably sort-of-large, intimidating looking, maybe, brown man.” Her other sons will look "like nerdy white guys." She explained why having a "different conversation" with Jude doesn't make her angry.</div><div><blockquote>I look at statistics over emotion.... I look at our prison population, and I see that there is a disproportionately high number of African-American males in our prison population for crimes - particularly for violent crimes. So, statistically when a police officer sees a brown man, like my Jude, walking down the road, as opposed to my white nerdy kids (my white nerdy men) walking down the road. Because of the statistics, that [Jude] knows in his head that these police officers know in their head they're going to know that statistically my brown son is more likely to commit a violent offense over my white sons.</blockquote></div><div>There are a number of problems with this statement. If it is true that Johnson prefers statistics over emotion, then she will be open to critique about it. </div><div><br /></div><div>First, there is indeed a disproportionate number of black men in prison compared to white men (<a href="https://www.blogger.com/u/2/blog/post/edit/8798620757434254998/8529493810442357080#">cite</a>). However, we can't simply guess as to why and expect our guess to also be fact. According to Johnson, violent crime is a condition that is specifically determined by blackness. This type of reasoning is an overlap of racial essentialism and biological determinism. That is, it's a scientifically unsupported ideology that "varied social outcomes" between racial groups are caused by genetic traits that each person in a given racial group must share in common (<a href="https://www.blogger.com/u/2/blog/post/edit/8798620757434254998/8529493810442357080#">cite</a>). It's racism. Really, really old school racism.</div><div><br /></div><div>It's also categorically false. Information about what contributes to disproportionate arrests and sentencing disparities of black Americans is widely available. One powerful quote from a recent study (2019) tells us that black youth,</div><div><blockquote>[W]ere situated in more disadvantaged neighborhoods with greater violence occurring and yet maintained stronger parent–child relationships, and tended to have no greater problematic behavior rates, they even drank less frequently and used less drugs in emerging adulthood than their White counterparts. Despite all this, and after controlling for all these factors, Black participants were still arrested at a rate that was seven times more frequent than White participants (<a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10560-019-00618-7">cite</a>).</blockquote>In short, black Americans do not perpetrate more crime. They're just more likely to be arrested and imprisoned for it when they do - and that's given that the arrests themselves were even justified in the first place.</div><div><br /></div><div>Johnson continued, presuming that any given police officer must share her unsubstantiated interpretation of statistics. She explained that these statistics are why being on "high alert" around her son would therefore make a police officer "smart." She said that she would only be angry if the police officer actually hurt her son.</div><div><br /></div><div>It's important to note how Johnson had to misrepresent the issue in order to make it easier to take down. By repackaging brutality as simply being on "high alert," she didn’t have to take a position on the actual violence. She made a reference to violence only in an abstract sense that it could occur. She did not acknowledge that it's something that regularly occurs. It’s something that occurred five days ago when Jacob Blake was shot multiple times in front of his children. Johnson’s version of the argument allows her to appear to have a reasonable position without the faux pas (to her) of appearing to support Black Lives Matter.</div><div><br /></div><div>Johnson said, "I recognize that I'm gonna have to talk to [Jude] about how to behave when he gets pulled over. And, how to be maybe extra cautious when he gets pulled over as an adult. How he walks down the street. How he talks to a police officer if he's approached by a police officer."</div><div><br /></div><div>What makes her angry is “the why.” It's the "why the statistics are the way that they are." This is a reference to her previous claim that black people are more violent than white people. In other words, she isn't angry that she has to tell her son specific ways black men can show police they're not dangerous. She is angry with black men for the violence she earlier attributed to them. By saying this, she essentially suggested that the existing police brutality cases could have been avoided by black people knowing to act a certain way that she knows how to teach to her son.</div><div><br /></div><div>By mid-video, Johnson shifted abruptly away from someone who didn’t know what to say to using “authority bias.” Rather than substantiate her claims, she went on to tell us about her master's degree, how she is finishing her doctorate, and how she is a naturally talented researcher. Within seven minutes of hitting the “record” button, she transformed into an expert as she went on to highlight black "fatherlessness" as a causal factor for the violent behavior of black men that does not actually exist. Her ending lecture toward both black men and women alike was nothing short of deeply condescending and hurtful.</div><div><br /></div><div>As the video ended, I found myself staring at that iconic darkened “suggested videos” thumbnail screen heartbroken. I had desperately wanted to see a mama bear proudly proclaim that her little boy has a right to walk this earth the same as anybody else faced with no more suspicion than anyone else. I wanted to hear her say that black men don’t appear intimidating to anyone that recognizes their full humanity. I yearned for any divestment of privilege whatsoever in protection of black lives. Or at least, for the protection of the one black life that is in her care.</div><div><br /></div><div>I wanted to see this white adoptive mother model taking a protective stance towards a transracially adopted black child from a national platform. Unfortunately, I fear her need to stay consistent in her support for Trump, who supports her pro-life stance while misrepresenting police reform stances in campaign videos, took center stage. As an adopted daughter, I cannot tell you how painful it is to not be seen by a parent first and above politics. In my next post, I’m going to publish my thoughts on this Abby Johnson dilemma, and the imperative to choose adopted children first.</div><div><br /></div><div>--------</div><div><i>Want to hear the spoken version of this article? Check out <a href="https://anchor.fm/amandatda/episodes/This-Adult-Adoptee-Takes-Down-That-Abby-Johnson-Video-eir5np" target="_blank">the episode page</a>. Comments are closed on my blog to direct discussion traffic all to one place. Come visit <a href="https://www.facebook.com/declassifiedadoptee/posts/3691164464245720">this thread</a> on my Facebook page to give your reactions to this article or the podcast episode and share your thoughts. </i></div><div><br /></div><div>I have been providing free content at The Declassified Adoptee for over 11 years now. I am no longer able to keep up at the pace I once was without some financial backing. Sharing my content on social media is always appreciated - thank you! If you'd like to support me financially, my Cash App is $amandatda and my <a href="https://paypal.me/AHLTW?locale.x=en_US">PayPal.me is here</a>. I have an <a href="https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/2Z73M554C1RGL?ref_=wl_share" target="_blank">Amazon Wishlist too</a>. Your support also frees up my time to continue behind the scenes helping other adoptees with their policy change, community organizing, educational, and writing en devours. Thank you!</div>The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-23532766407421506652020-07-29T13:45:00.000-04:002020-07-29T13:53:07.372-04:00Is Being Transgender Just Like Being an Adoptive Parent?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AxAmIpbIAMs/XyG1XrxAvhI/AAAAAAAAWRM/rQjNRcCzBh4S9m43LIwkZ8FMi5FtauoPQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Untitled%2BDesign%2B%25281%2529.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1342" data-original-width="1600" height="268" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AxAmIpbIAMs/XyG1XrxAvhI/AAAAAAAAWRM/rQjNRcCzBh4S9m43LIwkZ8FMi5FtauoPQCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/Untitled%2BDesign%2B%25281%2529.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
I am gardening a lot lately with all of my new-found time at home during this pandemic. Recently, I remarked to friends that I felt badly taking all of the beans from my green bean plant. Shouldn't I leave at least some behind? Many more experienced gardener friends chimed in to set me straight. A few fellow adoptees remarked, "Sounds like an adoptee thing."<br />
<br />
I chuckled at this. It has always been interesting to me how metaphors or analogies that explain the adoption experience exist everywhere. We use these explanations to help us understand ourselves and to help others understand us. Still, it behooves us to always ask ourselves, how do I know my metaphor or analogy is helpful?<br />
<br />
Recently, in an interview with <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/education/2020/jul/11/uks-only-trans-philosophy-professor-to-jk-rowling-harry-potter-helped-me-become-a-woman" target="_blank">The Guardian</a>, Professor Sophie Grace Chappell made an adoption analogy of her own. She indicated that adoptive parents want to be seen as biological parents, therefore, adoption can explain transgender identity in this way. Among other notable credentials and achievements, Chappell is the only openly transgender Professor of Philosophy in the U.K. The interview was a follow-up to an <a href="https://crookedtimber.org/2020/06/14/guest-post-an-open-letter-to-jk-rowling-blog-post-on-sex-and-gender-by-sophie-grace-chappell/" target="_blank">open letter</a> Chappell wrote to author J.K. Rowling.<br />
<br />
Chappell's letter had been a solid appeal to Rowling to re-consider her vocal trans-exclusionary radical feminism (TERF). Chappell explained to The Guardian that Rowling's Harry Potter series "helped me come to terms with myself." Having enjoyed the books, Chappell was taken aback to find several Rowling statements about transgender people that "took [her] breath away," thus prompting her letter.<br />
<br />
<b>Let's Pause and go Over some Background</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
This may be helpful for some readers who are new to this issue. So, what is "TERF," and why are Chappell, myself, and so many others so upset with Rowling about it? In <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/nov/29/im-credited-with-having-coined-the-acronym-terf-heres-how-it-happened" target="_blank">this article</a>, Viv Smythe, the feminist writer credited with coining the term, explained how "TERF" came to be. At <a href="https://hoydenabouttown.com/2008/08/17/carnivalia-transgenderism-and-the-gender-binary/" target="_blank">her blog</a>, this was one definition of "TERF" offered,<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"There are also those who argue that women-born-male can never share some of the most fundamental gender experiences that result from gender socialisation as feminine from birth through childhood, and thus can never be “real” women because they lack this shared experience."</blockquote>
In other words, TERF is a type of feminism that includes only those who were socialized to be women from birth because of their physical sex characteristics. Thus, it <i>excludes </i>any woman who was not socialized to be a woman from birth based on their genitalia.<br />
<br />
I don't agree with TERF. I believe that the most powerful forms of disagreement accurately represent the arguments of the other side. I'm using Smythe's definitions of TERF here because I believe she strove to be accurate. This is seen in how Rowling herself, who has been identified as trans-exclusionary, expressed her views in a now-infamous Tweet,<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<div dir="ltr" lang="en">
‘People who menstruate.’ I’m sure there used to be a word for those people. Someone help me out. Wumben? Wimpund? Woomud? <br />
<br />
Opinion: Creating a more equal post-COVID-19 world for people who menstruate <a href="https://t.co/cVpZxG7gaA">https://t.co/cVpZxG7gaA</a> </div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) <a href="https://twitter.com/jk_rowling/status/1269382518362509313?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">June 6, 2020</a></blockquote>
In this Tweet, Rowling critiqued the title of a Devex article, "<a href="https://www.devex.com/news/sponsored/opinion-creating-a-more-equal-post-covid-19-world-for-people-who-menstruate-97312#.XtwLnv0aEeR.twitter" target="_blank">Creating a More Equal Post-COVID19 World for People who Menstruate</a>." Rowling seemed to take issue with saying "people who menstruate" instead of saying "women." According to Rowling, if you menstruate you ought to call yourself a "woman" as menstruation is exclusive to women.<br />
<br />
However, the article itself was about eliminating barriers to menstrual health - particularly menstrual stigma. As a part of this, they clearly identified that "women, girls, and gender non-binary persons" menstruate. Using the word "women" in the title would not have achieved their goal of reaching <i>all </i>folks (for one example, some trans men) have a menstrual period.<br />
<br />
On her blog, Rowling explained that she believes men, "natal-girls," and trans women as distinctly different. She even claimed that accepting trans women as women threatens the lives of <a href="https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cisgender" target="_blank">cisgender </a>women. Recently, trans writer and activist, Juno Dawson, <a href="https://time.com/5865581/transphobia-terf-harm/" target="_blank">published a piece with Time</a> taking down this flawed way of thinking. Chappell's letter to Rowling offered a number of compelling points as well.<br />
<br />
<b>Back to the Metaphor</b><br />
<br />
Chappell has utilized a number of arguments to refute claims made by TERF. Among those was an adoption metaphor that, honestly, took <i>my breath </i>away when I read it,<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Trans women are like adoptive parents, who want to be accepted as being the same as biological parents" (<a href="https://www.theguardian.com/education/2020/jul/11/uks-only-trans-philosophy-professor-to-jk-rowling-harry-potter-helped-me-become-a-woman" target="_blank">link</a>).</blockquote>
<div>
<b>My Reaction</b><br />
<br />
Anyone familiar with my platform will be unsurprised by my breathlessness. I have spent the greater part of my adult life trying to center adoption on adoptees with full inclusion of all of their family connections. I have been outspoken against cultural norms that erase our biological (original) parents from our lives, popular culture, and literature. I have been instrumental in adoptees regaining access to their sealed original birth certificates. I refuted the "as if born to" legalese that says the only way I can legitimately be my parents' daughter is if my records are altered and sealed without my consent. I have consistently corrected folks who have called me "like one of their own" because I am "their own" without qualification, full stop.<br />
<br />
Adoptive parents cannot be seen as "the same as" biological parents because adoptees have <i>both</i>. We say this to push back against how adoption has long given legitimacy to the adoptive parents by taking it away from the biological parents first. The law does not even regard me as my biological mother's child.<br />
<br />
I examined my reaction to this analogy to locate the source of my discomfort. I realized that, because of my position on adoptive parents, this analogy would therefore position me as invalidating transgender identities. And I am so very not OK with that.<br />
<br />
<b>Digging Deeper</b><br />
<br />
It's important to me to be a respectful ally. So I dug deeper to look for more context to better understand Chappell's perspective. I found her submission to the American Philosophical Association entitled, "<a href="https://blog.apaonline.org/2018/07/20/trans-women-men-and-adoptive-parents-an-analogy/" target="_blank">Trans Women/Men and Adoptive Parents: an Analogy</a>." Therein she wrote,<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Maybe we should think of it like this: Trans women/men are to women/men as adoptive parents are to parents. There are disanalogies of course, and the morality of adoption is a large issue in itself which I can’t do full justice to here. Still, the analogies are, I think, important and instructive."</blockquote>
</div>
<div>
Her article then proceeds to discuss why this analogy is helpful. I appreciate that Chapell acknowledges that there are ethical shortcomings to the analogy. Here, I found better understanding and much to agree with. Let me name a few (but not all) examples.</div>
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I agree, we legally recognize adoptive parents as parents. And, trans people should be legally recognized per their correct identity as well. </div>
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I agree that identifying as a parent to a child they adopted does not automatically make someone delusional. And, being transgender does not make someone delusional either. </div>
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I agree that, if we incorrectly assume someone isn't their child's parent because they don't look alike, we should apologize and self-correct. In the same way, we should apologize and self-correct when our assumptions cause us to misgender someone.</div>
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There are, of course, a number of statements Chappell makes about adoption itself that I do not agree are accurate representations of this institution. But those disagreements are neither here nor there, for our topic. today. I may cover them at a later date if anyone is interested.</div>
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<b>How Should we Make Analogies About Adoption?</b></div>
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Chappell is saying that biology is not the only factor that legitimizes who is a parent. Nor does biology legitimize who is a man and who is a woman. Trans women are women and trans men are men. I wholeheartedly agree. It's clear I agree with her premise, but do I agree that this is a sound way to use adoption as an institution within an analogy?</div>
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I would like to continue that discussion in a follow-up blog post. The reason I wrote this entry is because I became aware of Chappell's analogy through the adoption community in the first place. And I can see where it could be, and has been, misunderstood. As a part of my stance that the adoption community be good allies to the LGBTQIA+ community, I'm publishing my thoughts in response in a way that I hope will not cause harm and will subdue transphobia in my community.</div>
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There are several core components that I think all analogies involving adoption should have. I'll look forward to sharing Part 2 with you, and hearing your thoughts on those.</div>
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<b><i><span style="color: #134f5c;">Thank you so much for reading my latest blog post. If you prefer to listen instead, this episode is available on my Podcast, <a href="https://anchor.fm/amandatda/episodes/Is-Being-Transgender-Just-Like-Being-an-Adoptive-Parent-ehdae8" target="_blank">here</a>. Want to comment, give feedback, or join the discussion? Head on over to <a href="https://www.facebook.com/declassifiedadoptee/posts/3598359653526202" target="_blank">this post on my Facebook page</a>. Please feel free to share on your social media outlets.</span></i></b></div>
The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-30381878233709642072019-05-23T19:55:00.002-04:002019-05-23T20:33:23.024-04:00Dumping a Social Worker's Cards on the Table: Adoption Cannot Solve Abortion<div>
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"Everyone has strengths within them that can create solutions. They just need some organizing." I repeat this phrase often to my students. I repeat it in discussions about groups. I repeat it in discussions about individual work with clients. I repeat it about work with communities, organizations, and law. I use this statement to preface teaching any framework for helping and change. I hope it stays with them in their work and when they relay their work in public platforms.<br />
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It is important that we share the methods behind our work with others. Otherwise, legislators can't be challenged when they claim a bill they've drafted solves problems faced by our clients. And we as professionals can't be challenged when we claim that our observations from practice should apply as law to everyone beyond our caseloads. A lack of understanding of what professional intervention should look like makes it possible for others to believe that adoption is a fitting solution to all problems caused by banning abortion. At least one professional in Alabama testified as such. And lawmakers across the country continue to take this claim seriously. It is a claim that defies a sound, methodical helping process. We must be loudly transparent about the helping process to add it as a tool through which the public evaluates both abortion and adoption policy.<br />
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I teach my social work students (BSW) the Generalist Intervention Model which is framed by scientific method. At some point in class, we take on my "GIM Planning Challenge." Each student is assigned a (fake) client and client scenario. Their first task is to identify the top three problems for which the client wants help. We know what the top three problems are based on frameworks like our Code of Ethics and the Declaration of Human Rights and theories like Maslow's Hierarchy and the Transtheoretical Change Model - to name just a few.</div>
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<a name='more'></a>Next, students choose an agency type and a job description for themselves as the social worker that is the most appropriate for their client. Finally, students take the three main problems and make goal statements based on the clients needs. At this point, I pause and facilitate discussion on creating SMART goals which we covered during a previous class.<br />
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Phase two is my favorite. I dump out a pile of laminated cards with interventions on them. Interventions are action steps that bridge the gap between what a client needs and their goal to fulfill that need. For example, collaboratively researching employers that are hiring could be a great intervention for a social worker and their client at an unemployment agency. I instruct students to go through the pile and pick the most fitting interventions for their "client."<br />
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Students will discover that other students may have selected an intervention they want. At this time, the students need to substantiate to each other where they think that intervention belongs, and come to an agreement. At first, students tend to pick interventions they like the sound of and "play devil's advocate" to make it "fit" their client. A student reasons, "Oh. Well the client is autistic. Autistic children can have anxiety that holds them back from things. So I chose counseling as my intervention."</div>
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This is the moment for profound learning. I refer students back to their top three problems, their job description, and their agency. I gently challenge, "Are <i>you </i>a counselor? Is anxiety one of the top problems you and your client chose? Let's work this out. The client is brilliant but failing classes. Their mom is exhausted from the labor of tireless advocacy....."<br />
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Their eyes flash with that unmistakable signal of understanding. They now have this.<br />
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<b>“The client needs the grades they deserve. An IEP can help......”</b> </blockquote>
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<b>“I’m a case manager.... so I could coordinate an IEP meeting.... And, I could go with their mom for support.”</b></blockquote>
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This first moment of realization is contagious. Students all over the classroom begin share their intervention cards and work together. They are driven by an ignited desire to be effective and to enhance client self-determination.<br />
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Someone seeking help for homelessness needs housing.<br />
Someone seeking help for hunger needs food.<br />
Someone seeking help for illness needs medical care.<br />
Someone seeking help for unemployment needs a job.<br />
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They are well on their way to understanding the difference between an effective helper and someone who just applies randomly Googled solutions. They are also building skills to articulate and scientifically justify the interventions chosen with the client.<br />
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One adoption counselor's testimony on <a href="https://www.bamapolitics.com/alabama/bills/2019rs/hb/hb-314/" target="_blank">Alabama HB 314</a> stated that adoption solved a list of problems ranging from spina bifida, to prison re-entry, to addiction, to living in a trailer park (<a href="https://www.al.com/news/2019/05/alabama-abortion-ban-to-get-key-committee-vote-today.html?fbclid=IwAR0CTBw6AJAXt-iY3HSxt4VwAi8rJ25iGbkbJ_-K3LGmP5TZtmH2quZItGo" target="_blank">cite</a>). It is true these are not the fake case scenarios from my "challenge," nor am I privy to each case. However, my level of confidence in challenging it is really no different than the level of confidence legislators had to use it to make an abortion ban the law of the land.<br />
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Children with spina bifida don't need new parents. They need lifelong disability support. Children who live in trailer parks don't need new parents. They need us to stop judging them. Children whose parents are re-entering society don't need new parents. They need parents who are supported in parenting them through effective re-entry support services. Let's challenge this and flesh out the missing variables. One phrase to the testimony was key. </div>
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<b>“In every one of these situations we had not one, but multiple families step up and say that they were willing to adopt these babies born to women in difficult medical and social situations."</b></blockquote>
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This statement is why this testimony did not belong at an abortion legislation committee hearing. The medical and social risks noted were not about pregnancy. Adoption was not an adequate replacement for abortion for clients who did not wish to continue pregnancy. These pregnant people made a choice to give birth - and only then did adoption address the subsequent concerns. These children, once born, had parents who could not or did not want to continue to parent them. And that's why the counselor was able to present adoption as any form of solution.<br />
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By viewing adoption as a solution to problems caused by abortion bans, we are ignoring the needs of significant populations. Not every pregnant person wants to be pregnant or to give birth. Not every pregnant person who wants to be pregnant or to give birth can do so safely. Not every person who gives birth because of a ban will want to choose adoption - regardless of how impractical parenting may be at that time. They have a constitutional right to parent their child.<br />
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Adoption is not a medical procedure. It doesn't reduce the risks of pregnancy to the pregnant person. It is a decision about parenting a child that is already born. Someone who doesn't wish to assume the risks of pregnancy on their body can't make use of adoption as an intervention.</div>
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This problem is not unique to just one testimony. Even on large adoption agency websites, attempts to "counsel" pregnant people specifically about abortion are fraught, in plain text, with information about the parenting decision of adoption. Helping professionals must do our due diligence to make ever step of the helping process clear. This instruction need not end when it reaches our students. How we break down and address client problems can be explained and understood by lawmakers and the public. We need to exercise this level of clarity and transparency for our clients and lawmakers and model how this is done correctly for students. Every single person whose lives our words touch should be able to use our own frameworks to challenge the policies for which we advocate, the services we recommend, and the help we provide. The abortion-adoption conversation is a great place for us to start.<br />
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<i>Follow me on Twitter @amandaTDA</i></div>
The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comPhiladelphia, PA, USA39.9525839 -75.1652215000000339.5633584 -75.810668500000034 40.3418094 -74.519774500000025tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-40977172638333094012018-11-20T08:00:00.000-05:002018-11-20T08:01:08.668-05:00Adopted & Grieving: Forgiving Someone who Maybe did Nothing Wrong<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A little over a week ago, I received word that my (maternal, adoptive) grandma had artery blockages that would be addressed through a quick surgical procedure. Because I was cursed with some sort of sense for these things, I pulled my cousins into a group chat and urged them to go visit her if they could. I knew she would die before I could reach her. I did not have the heart to tell my mother who was already buying plane tickets to go help with grandma's post-op recovery. No one would make it in time. Within hours of sending that message, grandma died. The grandmother who was once my "schema" for what a grandma should be like was gone. And yet I struggled to feel <i>anything</i>.<br />
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Perhaps one person being the end-all and be-all of everything that is grand-parenting to a child is what set me up to one day feel so hurt and later feel so numb. She used to come to Grandparents Day at school. She had a tin of buttons that she let be comb through, endlessly. She would lay with me as I fell asleep so the grain patterns in the wood paneling of her guestroom, which I swore looked like animals and creatures, would not come alive at night to taunt me. She baked cookies, and hosted us all beautifully on Christmas. She had an enduring marriage that began when she was 16 and eloped with a Navy soldier. I would squeal with excitement when they would pull into the driveway to visit and watch from the window with hot tears on my cheeks when it was time to leave.<br />
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I was ten years old when I realized that my grandmother was human. She and my grandfather were entering their seventies at that time, and focused on retirement. Out of a number of options, they chose to sell their family home where my mother was raised. The purchased a small home about 8 hours away, just a few streets over from my mother's middle brother's home. There, he lived with his wife, the only male grandsons, and his daughter who is one month younger than me.<br />
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The decision was not real to me until we traveled to their sold home to help them back for their move to the north. I found myself grief-stricken and angry. The home I loved now belonged to someone else. They, per my perception, chose my three cousins over me. I knew that I would hardly get to see my grandparents after the move as I hardly got to see my uncle's family just the same. I was unable to move so much as a dish without feeling angry and ill. For my insolence, I was sent to my now-empty guest bedroom to adjust my attitude.<br />
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In that room, I cooked in what I thought was selfishness. I boiled and stewed in unyielding thoughts that I was being "unchosen" and abandoned. I tried to force myself to feel or think anything differently. I conjured the memory of grandma on my 5th birthday, which is still my most significant childhood memory. She greeted me at my door that morning, palm thrust forward and all 5 fingers spread wide. "You are a whole hand!" she said. I felt a sense of accomplishment akin to that of a Nobel prize winner. On this new day, that memory gave me only another reminder of what I was losing.<br />
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As an even smaller child, I went on visits with grandma to see her father. He was a crotchety old man who refused the luxuries like running water. He said curse words and made me laugh. He had a wooden cabinet full of glass horses of varying sizes, poses, and colors. Selfishly, I wished he would give me every one of them. As grumpy as he seemed, his bitterness to the outside world worked deep into the earth of his vegetable garden, his goodness was inside those horses. I could feel it. They were sacred objects. Shortly before he died, he looked at me from his hospital bed as though I was the only one who would hear, and said, "Get me the hell out of here!" The wall he wedged between himself and others now trapped him in a place where he was tormented by being offered help he could not accept.<br />
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On "moving day" something inside me broke. Snapped. Shattered. If thoughts could burst and ooze like a wound, mine certainly did. With a bizarre sense of relief, I came out of the room and helped with the remainder of the packing. Although I did refuse to apologize, I wished them well on their way.<br />
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I did not have to pretend that it did not hurt me to see them less often. I did not have to pretend that I was unbothered that they attended my cousins' special and ordinary occasions on a regular basis. I did not have to lie that I did not care that my cousins rode their bikes to grandma's house, daily, to see her. I was genuine when I saw their artwork littering her fridge, nothing of mine to be found, my face unflinching. I was honest when I said I did not want to go to visit and when I begged to go home early when I did. I did not care that my cousin, into adulthood, called grandma to chat daily. I resented only the implications that were made that my indifference and lack of connection were because I intentionally did not care. I could not, emotionally, afford to care.<br />
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When grandma died, my mother could not talk on the phone for days because speaking made her cry uncontrollably. The more she cried, the more shame I felt for not crying. She eventually managed to call to ask me what things of grandma's I wanted. I did not know what to say, other than to ask for great-grandpa's horses. No one could find them. They were gone too--but I could not feel anything about that. I was conditioned against feeling anything, when it came to grandma. I could not grieve. I felt immense shame at the prospect of being unable to grieve. My numbness was guilt and my guilt just more numbness. Heartless, even. <i>Am I heartless?</i><br />
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The wall I had built to keep my grandmother out now keeps pain in. This wall, and the experience and memory that built it, need to be deconstructed. I realize now that the only way to do this is to forgive someone who maybe did nothing wrong. There is even a guilt in needing to forgive someone who maybe did nothing wrong. She did not intentionally "unchoose" me. Her move had not even been about me. She did not know how the move made me feel, and did not anticipate I would feel that way. She did not know how I would perceive her or my cousins, aunts and uncles, for years to come.<br />
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Regardless, my hurt and pain from that fateful day were real and valid. It centered on her, and I need to forgive her for her part in what hurt me. When ten-year-old me was sent to the room to fix the way I felt, I did what I was told in the only way I knew how. I broke down. Built up a wall. I made sure to never, ever be in a position where anyone could make me feel <i>that feeling</i> again. I spent years avoiding that feeling and anyone who had the potential to make me feel it. I need to forgive her, for my own sake. thirty-three-year-old me now knows that there is no "fixing" the way I feel or felt. I need to tear down that wall and use the pieces to build myself back up.<br />
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<i>Let met know what you think in the comments section, down below, and on my Facebook page.</i><br />
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</i> <i>Have you ever had to forgive someone where you struggled to articulate what they did wrong to need forgiveness?</i>The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comPhiladelphia, PA, USA39.9525839 -75.1652215000000339.5633584 -75.810668500000034 40.3418094 -74.519774500000025tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-40636831702090552992018-04-15T13:53:00.000-04:002018-04-15T13:55:02.053-04:00Philadelphia Police & Starbucks: Shining Light on Racism<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Original Image from Google Street View / Philly Voice</td></tr>
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Coffee shops like Starbucks are a "fueling" station for me as a human being trying to exist in a hectic world. This was particularly true in my early years as a professional, navigating being on the road for school while working jobs that required a ton of travel. Working on a mobile team, I met many times in Starbucks for meetings to discuss non-confidential business. Not everyone always ordered a coffee or tea every time. Most meetings were an hour. Sometimes we had to sit idly and chat while we waited for one member to resolve a mental health crisis before they could join us.<br />
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It's easy to say that this is what Starbucks wants. Their structure, their "psychology of everyday things" implicates to most people to come in, relax on a couch, socialize, use our free wifi for work or play. You could call it a "loss-leading" strategy much like some quick marts do with cheap gas. Come in for the couches and music and we hope you'll order our costs-more-per-gallon-than-premium-gas-coffee while you're here. Never once arrested in a Starbucks for using Starbucks how it is meant to be used, I know this is because of my white privilege.</div>
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Right in my backyard, <a href="http://www.phillyvoice.com/-philadelphia-starbucks-black-men-arrested-philly-store-ceo-kevin-johnson-apologizes/" target="_blank">police recently arrested two black men</a> for their crime of waiting in Starbucks for a friend so they could order coffee together. It occurred to me that, not only does being white shield me from a situation like this, I have the luxury of not even having to consider that race is why I or someone else would be arrested. </div>
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This is because racism not within my personal realm of experience. My brain has not had to develop a hyper-vigilance to being at greater risk of harm because of my skin color. I have this experience to some extent because of my gender. I grip my keys tightly when I walk from the evening class I teach at my Alma Mater to my car, knowing my gender makes me seem like an easy target. But being arrested in Starbucks just for existing? No. I don't experience racism. </div>
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What we don't experience or believe is a part of our responsibility on this earth falls into our "shadow." Our subconscious. It drives us, but we don't see it unless we shine light on it. And a lack of "light shone" is exactly why unjust scenarios like at Philadelphia Starbucks happen in the first place. There were multiple people involved here who have not shown light on their racist shadows.</div>
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The barista who called the police likely assumed that two black men who had not ordered were there for sinister reasons. When you don't shine light on your racist shadows, you assume that a white woman waiting is there for a play date or a business deal. You assume two black men waiting are a gang, trying to rob you, are being disruptive, or are otherwise misusing your space.</div>
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But since when do police offices arrest two people who aren't evidencing any concerning behavior or crime, at the direction of a coffee barista? If they had shined light on their racist shadows, they could have stuck up for the everyday citizen, identified objectively that no crime was committed, and given the barista education on what warrants a call to in-demand, tax-paid services. But they didn't. "Black" meant "trouble" and they arrested first and asked questions, later.</div>
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Then there are other employees and bystanders. Some did chime in. But none went so far as to really be disruptive or to stay with the two men to make sure they were safe. </div>
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When I was younger, and in my first book, I referred to this as "other people's parents." I was specifically referencing adoption, and how being told how wonderful I was as an adoptee didn't negate how other parents did not teach their kids the same. Because other kids were not given tools to "shine light" on their assumptions about adoption in their subconscious, it drove how they treated me which in turn effected how I experienced the world and other people as an adopted person. </div>
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When we don't teach our kids how to shine light on their shadows, which simply means to understand whatever is different from you and to challenge your gut responses about it, we create adults who will call the cops on two black men in Starbucks and police officers and other professionals who will assume the worst of someone based on their skin tone.</div>
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If you come here to read because you are an adoptee, or first parent, or adoptive parent, consider how your own diversity in terms of what is accepted and considered to be "family" shines light on your shadowy biases about family where you operate from a more conscious place. Identify your yearning for others to do the same so that you and your children can exist safely in a society in which you are a minority. If ever this is a moment to build empathy with our peers of color, our transracial family and adoptee brothers and sisters, this is that moment. I have a blog and a voice. How will you use your empathy to stand up to racism, today?</div>
The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-20691388879322966982018-01-29T07:30:00.000-05:002018-01-29T07:30:38.670-05:00Shopping With a Soul: Why I Severed My Ties with LuLaRoe (Part II)<div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MNaqZy3IF6I/Wm5uKVkrZRI/AAAAAAAAVlo/EZnKXcM-oHgsM6UeuPxiVYCmymbl-66dwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_6238.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="800" height="400" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MNaqZy3IF6I/Wm5uKVkrZRI/AAAAAAAAVlo/EZnKXcM-oHgsM6UeuPxiVYCmymbl-66dwCLcBGAs/s400/IMG_6238.PNG" width="266" /></a><i>Yesterday, I began detailing just some of my concerning experiences with the cult company, LuLaRoe. I broke the post up into two parts after discovering I had much more to talk about than I imagined. <a href="http://www.declassifiedadoptee.com/2018/01/shopping-with-soul-why-i-severed-my_28.html" target="_blank">Part I covered the concerning psychological atmosphere of the company. </a>Today, I am diving into the cultural incompetence and outright racism, disablism, and misogyny.</i></div>
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As a LuLaRoe "Coach," I attended several LuLaRoe events for retailers and for leaders. My attendance was a requirement, despite not technically being paid. I began to feel physically ill at these events. It was to the point that I required multiple prescription medications to stand up without vomiting. This was due, in part, to the toxicity of the personal life experiences my business partner and friend brought with her. It was also because I continued to be torn apart at the seams between my growing financial obligations and my large team--and--seeing so many things that seemed wrong so with LuLaRoe.</div>
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Despite LuLaRoe having thirty women's styles, and only two men's styles, white upper-class men helmed the main speaking spots and direct advising of the company. One such advisor is outspoken in his critiques of Millennials--those of us now working age with families--as being "entitled." The tokenism was strong. Gay women got speaking opportunities to prove that the founder’s religious beliefs would not affect the company's service. Disabled women got speaking opportunities to tell able-bodied retailers, “If I can do it, so can you." Women of color in places of leadership and power were <i>almost</i> non-existent. </div>
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There was one such leader, my friend Angela whom I mentioned in <a href="http://www.declassifiedadoptee.com/2018/01/shopping-with-soul-why-i-severed-my_28.html" target="_blank">Part I</a>, but she was disowned by her entire upline leadership because she confronted a thread and subsequent comments, posted in her sponsor's Facebook group, that made racist remarks about Asian retailers. She was accused of "stirring the pot." She too recently cancelled her contract with LuLaRoe and has dedicated her <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/AngelaLovesLuLaRoe/" target="_blank">business group</a> on certain days of the week to helping other exiting retailers sell off their product.</div>
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The rapid growth and lack of intentionality of the brand has resulted in an accumulation of lawsuits. In what seemed to be an attempt to maintain their wealth while handling these payouts, LuLaRoe began coming up with “new” clothing releases almost weekly, and encouraging their retailers to spend more to have the latest “collection.” Like putting a bunch of re-dyed solid black items into a box and making it its own minimum order called "Noir." They changed their defects return policy for retailers to refund fifteen defects from their own pockets before LuLaRoe would reimburse them. </div>
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Worst of all, they continued cranking out prints at lightning speed which resulted in no filter for the racially offensive and culturally and artistically appropriative prints their artists drew. This included a “sock monkey” print, a black face Mickey Mouse print (which was also officially seen, approved, and licensed by Disney staff), and prints donning sacred items from indigenous cultures.</div>
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I finally realized that I needed to put myself and my values first because it is within my nature for these things to rule above all else. I ended my business partnership and soon after my business relationship with LuLaRoe. I forgave myself for ending my relentless need to “save” my business partner from her divorce which, I now understood, involved absorbing its toxicity (and that of LuLaRoe) into my own physical body and emotional body. And into my heart.</div>
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I took responsibility for myself, my feelings, and my behavior in choosing not to represent a company with depreciating values which certainly stem from privilege and a lack of diversity.</div>
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Not long after I left, a top-ranking retailer was exposed <a href="https://www.mommygyver.com/single-post/2017/12/09/Turn-Up-Your-Volume" target="_blank">for refusing to help, or allow her customers to help, a deaf customer to see the sizes and prices in her live video</a>. Despite having visual capabilities, the retailer refused to show the tag with the size when notified expressly that the customer was deaf. The retailer started banning helpful customers who typed the sizes into the comments section because it annoyed her. Despite a petition circulating in outrage and the clear violation of the ADA, LuLaRoe refused to terminate this retailer’s contract or even respond to the deaf customer’s complaint.</div>
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Most recently, LuLaRoe entered hot water when another retailer made gestures intentionally mocking individuals with intellectual disabilities, during a live sale. He issued a non-apology and then made a hashtag in support of himself to push back the “haters." This was brought to the attention of the National Down Syndrome Society to which LuLaRoe donates certain proceeds from its Scarlett dress. <a href="https://www.lularoe.com/ndss/" target="_blank">The “Scarlett” is named for Mark and Deanne’s granddaughter with Down Syndrome</a>. The NDSS terminated their funding from LuLaRoe because LuLaRoe would not terminate the offending retailer’s contract. Not realizing the NDSS already announced their decision, LuLaRoe took to its Facebook page stating <i>they</i> ended their relationship with the NDSS because the NDSS would not accept the retailer’s non-apology which Mark and Deanne Stidham judged to be sufficient.</div>
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A true demonstration of cultural competency and sensitivity would be for Mark and Deanne to understand that they are not capable of judging someone's apology to a disabled person as "acceptable" or not. The only individuals qualified to accept or reject this apology are the people he mocked. Furthermore, when the NDSS said the apology was not OK, LuLaRoe's leadership should at minimum be culturally competent enough to know they are <i>not qualified</i> to disagree with the NDSS. </div>
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I don’t believe that “everything happens for a reason,” but I do think we can create reason from anything that happens. For me, my journey with LuLaRoe has taught me how insidious personally and culturally it is to feel trapped in a situation where an organization abandons its values and attempts to take you along with it. The moral downfall of LuLaRoe is a lesson in why every single entity on this planet needs diverse leadership. It provides real-life examples of how people are emotionally, mentally, and financially harmed when diversity isn’t a priority. </div>
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I supported this brand for much longer than I should have. And for that, I truly apologize to everyone whom LuLaRoe has hurt. No explanation. No excuses. Because that's what a true apology is.</div>
The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-40943118084243069502018-01-28T11:53:00.000-05:002018-01-28T16:13:54.274-05:00Shopping With a Soul: Why I Severed My Ties with LuLaRoe (Part I)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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If you don’t own any LuLaRoe, I'm sure you have seen a party or had someone prop up their leg and demand you feel their buttery-soft leggings. LuLaRoe, a multi-level marketing company nearing its fourth birthday and reaching over one billion dollars in value, benefits from a dedicated cult following eager to share the brand. I found LuLaRoe two years ago, and fell in-love with the fit and the company’s then-dedication to ethical manufacturing. But lately, it’s not all fun and unicorns.<br />
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LuLaRoe was founded by Deanne Stidham who began the company by selling home-sewn Maxi skirts to friends of her daughter, Nicole. The brand grew under the oversight of Deanne’s husband, Mark. They employed most of Deanne’s children (who happen to be adopted), and extended family. LuLaRoe is now an overwhelming white and wealthy company whose privileges and narrow lens seem to be the culprit behind an increasingly concerning company culture. This culture has caused many of we former retailers once attracted to its advertised progressiveness to sever our ties, forever.</div>
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<i>I started out writing this entry because a fellow adoption activist mused on my Facebook page wondering why so many of her friends have left LuLaRoe, and I wanted to explain the problems from my lens as a social scientist, clinician, and adoptee. I ended up writing more than I could've anticipated. This post will be split in two parts. Today, I will focus on the psychological abuse.</i></div>
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My concerns began when the defects issue arose, and LuLaRoe responded by telling customers and retailers alike that improperly sized leggings did not exist. However, moving their manufacturing outside of the USA to countries whose factories did not yet master the brand's odd sizing and patterns was exactly the culprit. LuLaRoe would provide no tools for sellers to explain this and even told us not to help customers by disclosing country of manufacture. This trend continued. With every problem or widespread defect issue, LuLaRoe denied problems and shamed retailers for complaining.</div>
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Shame may be an understatement. Mark Stidham was often verbally abusive on conference calls. This included, last February, telling retailers as a whole we were “pigs” and responsible for that month's dip in sales. Yet, it was the shortest month of the year and the month that LuLaRoe sends its top retailers on a 10-day cruise--leaving less than two selling weeks for the same monthly goals.</div>
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I never cared about lofty sales goals. My desire was to serve and train my once 150+ person team to reach their own goals. My team is one reason why it became so hard to leave once these problems stated. I didn’t want to leave them, and was told by DeAnne that I had an ethical obligation to them.</div>
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This "obligation" made representing this brand contentious for me when LuLaRoe’s assurance that their textiles were ethically manufactured transformed into straight-up voluntourism. Pictures and stories of the children in orphanages receiving donations from retailers, and videos of factory workers “happily” working, were paraded at company events. These same images and stories were disseminated in private retailer groups, telling retailers they were insulting the workers when they asked LuLaRoe to be accountable for defects. One leader posted a picture of an "orphan" she held, and accused retailers of being "ungrateful," using the boy's story.</div>
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I complained about this, which went nowhere. I anticipated that it would not. The strongest skill transferred to company leaders to handle complaints was to encourage downlines not to be "victims." This is reinforced by a “Don’t Be a Victim” training found in the Fashion Fundamentals training website and delivered at a Leadership Conference.</div>
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Otherwise, we were taught to realize when someone might be a “blue” communicator or a “green” one (or orange or yellow), and respond to them as if their personality type was an obstacle. In this training, we were asked to choose from appealing images and to group ourselves accordingly. My group, green, consisted of myself, one other woman who happens to be Asian and a friend of mine, and all of the men in the training. We were pointed out as “the most intelligent people in the room” which was paired with other off-hand stereotyped remarks about women.</div>
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All this weighing heavy on my soul, I felt trapped by the financial investment I had made, as well as other issues going on. I began my journey with this company through a business partnership with another retailer who began going through a lengthy, contentious, and expensive divorce and domestic violence case, shortly after I bought-in to the brand. I felt I had to choose between rejecting LuLaRoe and its increasingly depreciating values—and—keeping my business viable so as to not affect my partner’s custody case with her intensely abusive former spouse.</div>
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In addition to the verbal abuse and being warned away from "victimhood," the psychological abuse increasingly thickened. The company's trainings and advice to retailers completely warped the Law of Attraction. A true application of the LoA would be to say "I am wealth" and to create focus on <i>what is </i>and therefore what is possible. Because what we place focus on is what grows. Rather, LuLaRoe teaches to "envision" being wealthy (by placing focus on what is <i>not</i>) and to take steps to create wealth. And, if you are not wealthy and therefore are not making LuLaRoe wealthy, it's <i>your</i> fault.</div>
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Psychologically, LuLaRoe's business model is based on the <a href="https://www.simplypsychology.org/operant-conditioning.html" target="_blank">"unreliable reinforcement" aspect of Operant Conditioning</a>. A retailer is able to choose sizes and styles, but what prints or colors are delivered is up to the distribution centers. For every 30 items in a minimum order, there may be 5-10 "desirable" or "easier to sell" prints which will quickly turn a profit. Other items will cost you money by taking longer to sell (despite LuLaRoe receiving its full share of the profit, regardless). There are legitimate concerns about LuLaRoe producing so many items in the color orange, or orange-red, or yellow-brown when these are among the average shopper's least-favorite colors. </div>
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By being inconsistently "rewarded" with reasonably profitable prints and colors, this over-stimulates the areas of the brain that oversee reward and pattern recognition. The brain is designed to find patterns (e.g. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rst7dIQ4hL8" target="_blank">I do X behavior, I will always get X reward</a>) to seek out reliability in rewards delivered. In layperson's terms, this is one way shopping addiction (and other forms of addiction) takes root. This is how gambling addiction works and what makes someone feel bound to a psychologically abusive or emotionally unavailable partner. For a significant number of retailers means, this means over-ordering <i>beyond</i> their profits. </div>
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For LuLaRoe, it simply means.....profits.</div>
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Stay tuned tomorrow for, Part II.</div>
The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-55569235114012589192018-01-27T11:39:00.001-05:002018-01-28T16:06:55.554-05:00"What if I Don't Want to See the Child I Gave Up for Adoption?" & NY Times' Troublesome Answer<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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For some of us adoptees, adoption feels like a chapter of a story that the author abruptly stopped writing. No one knows what should come next for that chapter. Sometimes it takes significant moments to give us a clue. For me, that clue came from my first moment alone with my first newborn in our hospital room, on the day he was born. As I've written so many times, the words burned into my memory, "Oh my God. I am a mother. And now I know." And by that I mean I was now tapped into part of the collective human experience with those who have given birth and those who call themselves "mother," and how very complex it all is. It gave me new empathy for my original mother, and the next move in that chapter was to find her to relay this to her.<br />
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I did not see complexity reflected in the advice given to one mother who wrote into the <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/24/magazine/what-if-i-dont-want-to-see-the-child-i-gave-up-for-adoption.html" target="_blank">New York Times Ethicist column,</a> penned by Kwame Anthony Appiah. Her daughter, whom she surrendered for adoption, contacted her. She writes, "To me, this child is akin to a distant, long-ago acquaintance." She doesn't want further contact, and asks, "What do I do now?" There are at least 5 main reasons why the answer she received was less-than-helpful.<br />
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<i><b>This adopted person is not a child. </b></i>It makes sense that this mother calls her daughter her "child," because mothers tend to do this whether their offspring is 2 or 92. Appiah's use of "child" isn't the same. Answering about why "adopted children" do what they do, he treats this adoptee like a baby. He suggests that the psychosocial developmental for an adoptee at age 7 might as well be the same at 47.<br />
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<b><i>Controlling another adult's behavior isn't typically a viable solution. </i></b>Appiah suggests to this mother that she "shouldn't let" her surrendered daughter "impose a relationship" upon their other family members. He vaguely implies there should be legal barriers to control an adopted person's choices, based on the wishes of others. He suggests that the adoptive mother should've controlled the adopted daughter's choices by withholding information from her. This is not how we should treat people.<br />
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<b><i>Adoptees are not property; this adoptee agreed to nothing. </i></b>There isn't one legitimate professional or ethical framework in existence that says two human beings get to contract for what a third human being does for eternity. Outside of some adoption laws reminiscent of the 1940's, this isn't even supported by law. In Pennsylvania, an adoptee has the right to petition the court to "open" their adoption at age 9. All pregnant adolescents are automatically emancipated. At age 14, a young person commands control of their mental health treatment, and can decline to share information with their parents. These are just a few examples of how the law empowers children beyond what Appiah implies should be permitted for this adult daughter.<br />
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<b><i>Appiahs "political" doesn't belong in her "personal."</i></b> This mother attempts, in a roundabout way, to state that she is a feminist. And although she seems to imply adoption was right for her and for some others, this doesn't mean she aligns with wanting to "encourage unprepared mothers to consider giving children up for adoption." From my work with the adoption constellation, I know the immense hurt these words cause. Encouraging parents to make adoption placements shouldn't be a thing. Parents need information to make whatever choice serves their child.<br />
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<b><i>The language..... </i></b>Curiosity. Biological. Unprepared. Children. Unnecessary. Generosity. Impose. Entitled. Obliged. These words are conclusions and judgements. And they're all so incredibly negative. It isn't generous (or not) to meet with another person. All people are made up of "biological" material--this doesn't make us insignificant to each other. "Curious" is not how I feel. Most adoptees are not children. Information about one's self is always necessary. No one has to be imposed, entitled, or obliged about anything. These words are the birth place of shame and guilt.<br />
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So what's the answer? It's to approach this as a normal part of human experience in life, instead of placing the experience in the swirling vortex of the adoption vacuum. Many of us have family members with whom we do not speak. A relative of mine is currently in "time-out" for telling me I am "a bad mother" because I comforted my child through a panic attack instead of punishing him for his outburst. I don't need a special law or to deconstruct someone's psyche for this. I wrote an email simply saying, "I can't be in your life anymore until you learn to apologize and to speak more kindly to my family." The end. And this adoptee hasn't even done anything wrong.<br />
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This mother already comes prepared with this answer. What she wrote in her question is her answer. "I have tried to come to terms with the idea of putting all this 'out there,' and I cannot." Although I would encourage her to challenge what she means by "all this" and "out there" when her husband and children already know of the situation, she has (for now) made her decision. She simply needs to set boundaries by communicating this with her daughter.<br />
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Fellow adoptees, I am not abandoning you here. I want nothing more than for every adoptee and their families to have just the right amount of embrace that fits them. <a href="https://www.facebook.com/declassifiedadoptee/videos/1769409686421217/">But as I explained on a video on my Facebook page</a>, when our parents who don't want contact don't tell us this, it creates a situation where your heart is open and out there without any of your needs being met. We then feel hurt and distressed, but we don't know why because we aren't being told the truth. And then we blame ourselves. This too is a situation where the adopted person deserves honesty. I hope the honesty is relayed with the compassion she deserves.<br />
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Edit: an earlier version of this post misspelled Appiah’s name. Apologies. </div>
The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-19718555840558768202018-01-15T13:20:00.001-05:002018-01-15T13:33:52.822-05:00Hello. It's Been a While.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hello there. It has been a while, hasn't it? For those of you new to Team TDA, my name is Amanda. I was born in Tennessee, fostered there for several months, and adopted across state lines into New Jersey, in 1985/86. I grew up along the shoreline of the Jersey state, sucking on pickle grass and coaxing fiddler crabs out of their burrows. I was raised in a predominantly Christian community with my mom and my dad.<br />
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At the age of 25, I started blogging as a way to try to find my original family. Once reunited with my original mother, two brothers, and 26 first cousins, I transitioned this blog to writing about my experiences within and perceptions of adoption.<br />
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I have been known somewhat for writing about my personal experiences, but more so for my focus on a socio-political lens, research, and theory. There is a reason for this. As a white, middle class, young-ish adult adoptee, adopted through private domestic infant foster/adoption, I am subjected to highly specific biases from agencies and parents currently navigating same-race, middle class, private, infant adoptions. Namely, my narratives and quotes have tended to appear in blogs, newsletters, articles, and beyond as professionals and parents alike have attempted to figure out how to navigate their adoptions and parenting so their children <i>should </i>or <i>should not</i> "turn out like me."<br />
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<b>This is because I present a symptom that concerns many.</b><br />
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<b>I am an adult adoptee who speaks.</b><br />
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Foremost, it has been difficult for those in the adoption constellation outside of the adoptee population to agree if adoptees speaking about adoption is a good thing (it is). This is because our perception differs from dominant speakers (adoptive parents, adoption professionals)--understandably because we stand in a different place. But a different lens applied to adoption means challenging what we currently know and accept about adoption. It means changing theory. It means changing law. It means sharing power in adoption practice as adoptees rise to become parents and practitioners, speakers, and teachers themselves.<br />
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Change is uncomfortable. Empathizing and companioning those whose stories are new and whose perceptions are not your own can be uncomfortable. It can require advanced skill, immense personal insight, and a willingness to be humble and just listen.<br />
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And no. People do not always think this is a good thing.<br />
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Of course, foster care adoptees, intercountry adoptees, and transracial adoptees experience far more pervasive and insidious biases and impositions onto their narratives than have I. There is a privilege in the type of bias I have faced where at times the greatest challenge someone pouring over my narrative in their own writing has faced is worrying that their own child will call both mothers "mom," as I do for my mothers.<br />
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Nonetheless, I have stuck in large majority to what seemed "sound" for me to say. To what no one could say, "well that was just you" or "your parents must have done something wrong" (don't all parents? I parent "wrong" all the time) or "you must have had a bad experience" (being displaced between families <i>is</i> a bad experience we should want to avoid for children, when possible). I obtained three degrees and a license. I completed all the requirements for multiple advanced clinical standings including the advanced license. I started practicing therapy with a highly sought-out concentration in adoption and placement stability. I wrote a book and compiled/edited/contributed to a dozen or so others. I went on radio and TV shows, became an expert witness on child welfare for my state capital, and presented my policies before Congress. I became a field instructor. I accepted a position as an adjunct professor teaching advanced policy to social work juniors and seniors.<br />
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I built a wall to keep criticism out. But this wall also kept pain in.<br />
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In spending my early years blogging about adoption to open an avenue and normalize our visible and audible presence in adoption spaces, the skills I built to protect my psyche with the push-back I received hardened me for truly caring for myself. I saw myself as valuable--if I knew the answer. I strove to be like my mentors, sometimes haphazardly, but the pedestal upon which I placed them created a receding horizon for me in which I would never deem myself as "good enough." I fell into people-pleasing and rarely giving myself a break from projects and advocacy.<br />
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So I took a break. I suppose two years is quite a long one. But in this time, I have learned to love myself and put myself first. I have learned that I don't need to know the answer or even speak to personally be convicted of my inherent worth and value. I have learned to share my story without fear of hearing, "Well that's just you." Why? Because it is just me. My experiences have individual and collective truth. And my words have value beyond what someone can extract as "useful" for parenting advice.<br />
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I am someone I do hope your kids "turn out like" and also "not turn out like." I hope they are like me in that they love themselves, they are prepared to tell their truth and their perceptions of what is around them freely, and they put themselves first. I hope they are not like me in that having degrees or books or blogs doesn't matter but in that they are supported into expanding forward into becoming their highest and best selves.<br />
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Being who we were born to be is far better than becoming anyone or anything else.<br />
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Please join me once again as I resume writing here in this space. I have missed you all, and I look forward to the new faces this next shift in my writing journey.The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-64494437947335519132015-11-29T03:31:00.000-05:002015-11-29T03:45:41.956-05:00Safe Haven? A Baby Abandoned in a Nativity Scene isn't a "Feel Good" Christmas Story<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WotmmEepqCY/Vlqzbma8c9I/AAAAAAAAVNs/lHMwTP2iTEk/s1600/18839127_s.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WotmmEepqCY/Vlqzbma8c9I/AAAAAAAAVNs/lHMwTP2iTEk/s400/18839127_s.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Copyright: <a href="http://www.123rf.com/profile_kevron2001" target="_blank">kevron2001</a></td></tr>
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Yesterday, a friend posted a link <a href="http://www.npr.org/2015/11/28/457626375/newborn-baby-abandoned-in-churchs-manger-already-being-loved" target="_blank">to an NPR piece</a> that drew heartwarming conclusions of Biblical proportion regarding the recent abandonment of a newborn in a New York nativity scene. "Bible stories stay compelling over centuries," writes the author, Scott Simon, "because they show people struggle to do something good." The adoptive father of two seemingly likens the baby left at the church<b> </b>to Moses being placed in a basket to float in the reeds of the Nile river. In a world where parenting can be difficult and overwhelming, Mr. Simon invites us to find hope and inspiration from people, like this mother, who make hard choices. With this feel-good conclusion to this story, we almost miss the ache from the pit of our stomachs, a reminder that we're all somehow culpable for the separation of a mother and her much loved child.<br />
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The law under which this infant was abandoned exists less altruistically than as "a door in the law for parents who may feel...unable to care for their child...to safely leave them, with some confidence that they will be....eventually taken in by another family," as Simon puts it. More accurately, Safe Haven laws serve to address unsafe abandonment and infanticide--enacted in all 50 states "[a]s an incentive for mothers in crisis to safely relinquish their babies to designated locations where the babies are protected and provided with medical care until a permanent home is found" (<a href="https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/safehaven.pdf#page=4&view=Protections for Parents" target="_blank">source</a>). In other words, Safe Haven laws are based on the idea that decriminalized and anonymized infant abandonment will keep mothers--who may be in crisis from a variety of circumstances--from hurting their babies.<br />
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Certainly wanting to hurt her baby or not being prepared to raise him weren't issues for Moses's mother, Jocebed. After all, she was tasked with Moses's care after Pharaoh's daughter found him. So why did Jocebed have Moses placed into a waterproofed basket in the Nile? <a href="http://www.chabad.org/parshah/article_cdo/aid/498452/jewish/Why-did-Jochebed-put-Moses-in-the-Nile.htm" target="_blank">One source</a> suggests that it was because Jocebed could not bear to watch Moses die, because the prophetess Miriam told her it would save Moses, or to convince astrologers advising Pharaoh that the savior of the Jews was one of the babies already thrown to the Nile--thus prompting him to end his slaughter of children.<br />
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Regardless of Jocebed's intentions, it so happened that Moses was placed in the exact spot where another woman and a person who commanded privilege, protection, and power would--and did--find him.<br />
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The mother who placed her tiny son in the nativity scene did so under the protection of these laws often nicknamed "Baby Moses Laws." Are there parallels between Jocebed and this baby's mother? She lives in a state <a href="http://www.declassifiedadoptee.com/2013/03/why-new-york-citys-anti-teen-pregnancy.html" target="_blank">that publicly shames</a> teen pregnancy and young parenthood. She lives in a society that continues to challenge a woman's access to reproductive health care. She lives in a country in which 45 million people live below the poverty line and in which 15.3 million children do not have enough food to eat. This is without examining intersecting factors relating to race, age, ability, so on and so forth. It is more than possible that the assumptions upon which "Baby Moses Laws" are based--that she would otherwise unsafely abandon or hurt her child--are absolutely false and she so much like Jocebed left her child lovingly in that manger as her best answer to insurmountable oppression in the society around her.<br />
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Regardless of the exact reasons this mother had, the systemic factors I just listed are the context in which she lives, in which all women in the U.S. live, and are unavoidably the context of her decisions. And it just so happened that her son was found by people who command privilege, protection, and power in society. Many parishioners, having no other notice than hearing of a child left in their parish, voiced having the resources and ability to care for him.<br />
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We don't know exactly why this mother left her son at that church. The nature of Safe Haven laws, and as <a href="http://fb.me/3ysUwSaHm" target="_blank">Joy Messinger recently put it, child welfare systems, is that they "invisiblize" original mothers</a>. We can't assess her needs of offer her support: we've made her anonymous. And because we can't hear her voice, we're able to shift whatever has happened to her that brought her to place her baby into a decorative manger into a special interest story that gives us hope that the world is fine the way it is. We applaud mothers, and other marginalized people, for the self-sacrificing decisions they make under oppression while doing nothing to lift the oppression they face.<br />
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Miriam, the sister of Moses, was the first of a handful of prophetesses mentioned in the Bible. Miriam was not just the mouthpiece of God, she was the mouthpiece of her people and she stood with her mother in defiance of the oppression around them. Biblical prophetesses and mothers of the Bible alike were often social change agents seeking to better the way those in suffering live. Should we be able to hear the voices of women, should we listen when women speak, might we be so uncomfortable we'd be inspired take up our duty to change the world to be a different place than it is now.The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-40901613754701914632015-11-06T19:54:00.000-05:002015-11-06T20:53:24.609-05:00Dear Students and Social Workers Considering "Adoption Work" <div>
When I was an undergraduate social work student, I found myself making a daily pass by a certain poster in the department lounge area. The 9x12 sheet listed dozens of fields that employ social workers, such as "mental health" and "juvenile probation" and "substance abuse" in various fonts and sizes. Upon close inspection, "adoption work" appeared near microscopically at the very bottom, perhaps indicative of how the profession views its overall presence within the adoption institution. Although a great number of adoption workers are also social workers, most social workers are not adoption workers. However, "adoption work" remains one of our profession's most iconic, if not stereotypical, areas of practice.</div>
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I am new to social work, but not new to serving people. 2.5 years ago, I attained the credentials to be a "social worker" in accordance with state law and CSWE standards, but have worked in human services fields for over 10 years. I am newer to working with a focus on adoption, but am not new to adoption itself. I have been writing, speaking, educating, and testifying on adoption issues for almost 7 years, but have lived the adoption experience for over 30 years. My current work focuses on family preservation--including serving families of all compositions, placement stability support for foster youth, and post-adoption support for adoptees and their various family members. </div>
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As National Adoption Month sparks <a href="http://www.socialworker.com/feature-articles/practice/finding-families-for-children-social-workers-adoption/" target="_blank">discussion in social work spaces</a> about what "adoption work" is, I feel compelled to add to that dialogue with my "social worker" hat on, and with the reinforcement that comes from a lived adoption experience as a member of the adoption community.</div>
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What all social workers need to know is that effective work in child serving systems requires us to listen to the individuals most affected. We must move beyond the voices that are easy to find and listen to--beyond voices that already influence current systems rather than inform how systems should evolve. This means that the voices of adopted and fostered people, and original parents, need to be sought-out and valued. It means regarding them, not as personal interest stories, as experts on the effects of adoption policy and practice implementation on the human spirit and life experience. Then and only then are social workers equipped to walk with the adoption constellation as we follow their lead and serve them.</div>
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Job counselors and job descriptions may attempt to neatly compartmentalize "helping individuals and couples to adopt," "counseling expectant parents," and "placing children" not understanding how one overarching goal is missing from these descriptions: the best interest of the child. A lack of a child-centered adoption has lead professionals and the public alike to regard adoptees, original parents, and adoptive parents as opposing forces with competing rights, rather than autonomous human beings. All efforts with every prospective parent, expectant parent, professional, and court must work holistically in the best interest of children.<br />
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What does this mean? It means that acknowledging that the adoption institution's preoccupation with seeing higher adoption numbers is not a measure of restorative or social justice. It means that social justice too exists when children <b>are not </b>adopted. And not for the stereotypical reasons we hear such as children left to "languish" in care, but because we should make it our mission to dismantle the systemic injustices--like classism, racism, and sexism--that render children in need of care in the first place. </div>
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It means acknowledging that post-adoption is every bit of the "adoption experience" as the adoption process itself and requires support and appropriate policies. It means allowing post-adoption to inform child serving systems rather than being brushed off as a damper on everyone's celebration. Many of us providing post-adoption support will tell you we join those we serve in feelings that are most often complicated, grief-laden, and a product of incredible human resiliency. Many of us look at the lighthearted, heartwarming marketing of the pre-adoption process and, whether our reaction is indifferent to it or deeply distanced by it, we do not identify.<br />
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It means applying research and accepted theories and social justice frameworks to adoption, rather than being guided by personal biases. I cringe when I hear professionals say, "I want to help pregnant women choose adoption" or "I want to help infertile couples adopt." It is not acceptable to enter a child-serving system simply to see outcomes that we feel personally fulfilled by.<br />
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Essentially, it's not "adoption work" social workers should be seeking to practice as though we work for the benefit of institutions. Our work is to serve children--to benefit the human beings affected by institutions. By the professed purpose of our profession, we do not exist to serve as a gear in the wheel of the systems that envelope our clients but as navigators walking with people in the spaces that separate them from social justice.<br />
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Social workers, adoption isn't just an "interest" or field of practice. It an institution that irrevocably and inter-generationally alters the structure, composition, and identities of multiple families at once. It is something that was chosen for me that I have to live for the rest of my life. Articles, forums, and career counselors that diplomatically detail job descriptions and and job functions might not tell you any of this, but my community deserves for you to know.<br />
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Signed, A former foster kid, adoptee, social worker</div>
The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-69301766974815886742015-10-10T02:52:00.000-04:002015-10-10T02:55:10.842-04:00Re-Framing Searching as Radical Empathy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FfkMPRC19-k/Vhi0nF0KzRI/AAAAAAAAVKE/kt4_abvJbvA/s1600/The%2BDeclassified%2BAdoptee%2B01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FfkMPRC19-k/Vhi0nF0KzRI/AAAAAAAAVKE/kt4_abvJbvA/s320/The%2BDeclassified%2BAdoptee%2B01.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
My son was three days old when we left the hospital to go home. As I prepared to step through those sliding doors out into the sunlight of the parking area, I was acutely aware that my son was the same age I was when my infant self left the hospital in the arms of an adoption worker. As I secured his carrier into the car seat base, I tried to imagine what it would be like to leave the hospital still bleeding and empty-handed, as my mother had.<br />
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When my son was five months old, I realized he was the same age I was when my infant self left my foster home for my adoptive placement. I developed a paradoxical devastation and admiration for my foster mother, knowing intimately the bond we must have had and wondering how she could let me go, despite it.<br />
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I sought reunion to understand the human side of the choices--or lack thereof--made for me. It was a level of empathy that made my lungs burn<br />
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Today, a photo of me as a new mother popping up on my Facebook timeline, and an adoptee friend's recent words to me on her becoming a mother elicited memories I've thus far not articulated in words.<br />
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You could say that radical empathy, the willingness to be completely vulnerable to understand the experience of another person deeply connected to your own--is subversive. It disrupts the narrative that we are only to care about ourselves; or in the case of adoptees, that we are only to care about a rigid category of people. How often do people freely make themselves uncomfortable for the sake of another person when they have yet to figure out their own discomfort and grief?<br />
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People so often tell us that search desires are wrought from maladjustment and insensitivity. In truth, it's the exact opposite.<br />
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From the archives:<br />
<a href="http://www.declassifiedadoptee.com/2011/09/becoming-mom-becoming-feminist-part-i.html" target="_blank">Becoming a Mother (Part I)</a><br />
<a href="http://www.declassifiedadoptee.com/2011/09/becoming-mother-part-ii.html" target="_blank">Becoming a Mother (Part II)</a>The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-76921206856974271972015-09-24T12:36:00.000-04:002015-09-24T19:28:07.909-04:006 Reasons why #ShoutYourAdoption as Push-Back to #ShoutYourAbortion is Problematic (at Best).<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FHgLki_Q7L0/VgQWbRQWRCI/AAAAAAAAVJQ/7xPWBY7o9b8/s1600/11045465_917414458353508_2963556174271976396_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FHgLki_Q7L0/VgQWbRQWRCI/AAAAAAAAVJQ/7xPWBY7o9b8/s320/11045465_917414458353508_2963556174271976396_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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About 5 days ago, the hashtag #ShoutYourAbortion made its debut on writer Lindy West's Twitter feed to her 60,000 followers, inspired by her friend Amelia Bonow's initiative to speak publically about her abortion experience. Bonow told <a href="http://www.vice.com/read/we-spoke-to-a-founder-of-shoutyourabortion-about-rejecting-shame?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter" target="_blank">Vice</a> that she did this as a personal exercise to address the shame she internalized as the result of having an abortion, and as a response to the movement to defund Planned Parenthood. Shortly thereafter, #ShoutYourAdoption burst onto the scene as a push-back to online abortion speak-outs offering adoption as a replacement to abortion. Organizations such as <a href="https://www.facebook.com/Adoption/photos/a.435473416547617.1073741828.435278349900457/917414458353508/?type=3&theater" target="_blank">adoption.com quickly jumped on board</a> directing (whom I assume to be) original parents, "Let's <a href="https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/shoutyouradoption?source=feed_text&story_id=917414458353508">#ShoutYourAdoption</a> instead of <a href="https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/shoutyourabortion?source=feed_text&story_id=917414458353508">#ShoutYourAbortion</a>! Let us know why you chose adoption over abortion." But not everyone, including myself, is thrilled about this social media movement. And one need not be Pro-Life or Pro-Choice to understand why.</div>
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<b>Its Intention is to Silence, not Empower</b></div>
Hashtags are powerful tools that can draw attention to marginalized voices by creating a collective of thoughts and narratives. Last year, <a href="http://www.thelostdaughters.com/" target="_blank">Lost Daughters</a> launched <a href="http://www.thelostdaughters.com/p/flipthescript.html" target="_blank">#flipthescript</a>, a movement that reached 30 million households in 30 days, to draw attention to voices of adopted and fostered adults who are consistently drowned out in the promotional activity of National Adoption Month. #ShoutYourAbortion too was created as a platform for individuals who have experienced abortion whose voices are drowned out in the noise of election season. Although some re-frame #ShoutYourAdoption as a movement de-stigmatize adoption, the original intention of the hashtag was not to empower the adoption community.<br />
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I typed #ShoutYourAdoption into the Twitter search bar and set it to "all" posts "from everyone" and "everywhere" and scrolled all the way to the bottom:<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-__Aqb2fmUnY/VgQluf6E-eI/AAAAAAAAVJg/OnTIPfEirE0/s1600/Screenshot%2B2015-09-24%2B10.32.33.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="393" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-__Aqb2fmUnY/VgQluf6E-eI/AAAAAAAAVJg/OnTIPfEirE0/s400/Screenshot%2B2015-09-24%2B10.32.33.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">#ShoutYourAdoption first posts on Twitter</td></tr>
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#ShoutYourAdoption intentionally elicits the stereotypical conflation of abortion and adoption to cancel out abortion narratives. It's a classic example of pitting marginalized groups against each other to avoid notice that politicians and leaders of institutions lack plans for real social change.<br />
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<b>It's a Co-Option</b><br />
Regardless of what we believe of its original intentions, #ShoutYourAdoption clearly exists in the likeness of the pre-established #ShoutYourAbortion. As such, it co-opts the attention and momentum earned by the Reproductive Justice community as a starting point for its own message. This is also why it's difficult to believe that #ShoutYourAdoption is only about sharing stories and not about canceling out abortion experiences using one of adoption's most ironic, dominant narratives.<br />
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Co-option of other movements is a bad habit of the adoption community as we navigate the need to be heard in a world where most people share a direct adoption connection but lack a nuanced understanding of adoption experiences. For example, many of us spoke out against #AdoptedLivesMatter as a co-option of #BlackLivesMatter. Using another movement's recognizability, momentum, and outreach framework to be heard is intellectual theft and we all can agree that it's wrong.<br />
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<b>It's Not Always Your Story You're Telling</b><br />
Although #ShoutYourAbortion is largely used by people who have had abortions to speak about their own experiences, #ShoutYourAdoption relies heavily on narratives of silent, unconsenting participants. Yes, some original parents have used the hashtag to identify that they chose adoption instead of abortion, and some adoptees have used the hashtag to identify that they were adopted instead of aborted. Yet, existing in that same space are posts broadcasting personal narratives belonging to adopted children and original parents. An alarming number of these posts include identifying images of adopted minors, claiming them to be "adopted and not aborted." There are Tweets, many by adult adoptees, that tell stories on behalf of original parents as evidence they were "adopted and nor aborted." As one of the pastors for my denomination recently declared from our pulpit, </div>
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<span style="color: #0c343d;">"There is no better way to silence someone than to speak on their behalf."</span></blockquote>
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<b>"Saved from Abortion" is a not an Identity, it's a Narrative Burden</b></div>
Before I met my mother, I didn't understand the reproductive, parenting, and adoption choices (or lack thereof) she faced. I spoke on her behalf by telling others I was destined to be aborted. I believed I was rescued by a good Christian adoption agency who appealed to my mother to "choose life." This was in fact the agency narrative tied to me at the time of my adoptive placement. As I was conceived from the rape of a minor, it was believable enough that I was unwanted, despised, and nothing but a painful burden to my mother and her family. I was <i>lucky</i> to be alive and <i>too grateful</i> to think anything more self-affirming otherwise. In reality, this was a lie that was suffocating my soul.<br />
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I was not "almost aborted" or "should have been aborted." I was born into a world where adults hurt children and was conceived as a result. I was born into a world where poverty and misogyny restrict the choices pregnant people have about abortion, parenting, and adoption, and was adopted as a result. Post-reunion, I removed past labels from my adoption experience. The twists and turns, the ups and downs, the intense human sufferings and joys, of my pre-adoption narrative pack too much nuance to oversimplify with words like "lucky" or "rescued." "Saved from abortion" is a weighty narrative burden I don't wish to carry anymore, and when it is imposed on me, I push back.<br />
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<b>It Promotes Social Bias</b><br />
#ShoutYourAdoption is fueled by that narrative burden--the implicit social bias that "almost aborted" is <i>all</i> our stories. It is made possible by adoption imagery that allows adoption to be predominantly defined by its most rare manifestation--infant adoption. Is it true that some people were adopted as infants? Absolutely. Is it true that some original parents considered abortion? Absolutely. Is it unnecessary to remind the world of this as a campaign when it already exists as a bias so pervasive that over 100,000 legally adoptable children wait in U.S. foster care, virtually ignored? Absolutely not. I will never argue that an individual story isn't important. But I will argue that some single stories do not need to dominate institutions or social movements. From Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's brilliant "<a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/chimamanda_adichie_the_danger_of_a_single_story/transcript?language=en" target="_blank">The Danger of a Single Story</a>,"</div>
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<span style="color: #0c343d;">"The single story creates stereotypes, and the problem with stereotypes is not that they are untrue, but that they are incomplete. They make one story become the only story."</span></blockquote>
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Criticizing adopted and fostered people who are desperately trying not to be swallowed whole by the "saved from abortion" story is like having all the pieces of the pie but one and growling a reminder to the people with just one slice that you need to eat too.<br />
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<b>It Doesn't Solve Anything</b><br />
The single story that adoption is always a replacement for abortion doesn't just overlook the nuance of the adoption experience, it overlooks nuances imbued in pregnancy and abortion experiences. Abortion is the result of being unable to continue to be pregnant. Adoption is the result of being unable to continue to parent. As adoptee and OBGYN, <a href="https://twitter.com/LeahNTorres" target="_blank">Dr. Leah Torres</a>, frequently points out on her Twitter account, people have abortions because they no longer wish to assume the risks of pregnancy and birth. There are more inherent health risks with being pregnant than not being pregnant, and Reproductive Justice advocates argue that only the pregnant person can decide what risks they assume onto their body. </div>
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To this point, adoption obviously does not address the risks of pregnancy or birth--only the inability to parent (an oversimplification in and of itself) once birth has occurred. Adoption as a solution to abortion in this instance isn't actually possible, and people on both sides of the debate are missing opportunities to actually help pregnant people by believing that it is.</div>
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You do not have to be Pro-Life or Pro-Choice to agree that the <a href="http://www.declassifiedadoptee.com/2013/02/why-conflation-of-adoption-and-abortion.html" target="_blank">conflation of adoption and abortion just isn't helping anything</a>.</div>
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The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8798620757434254998.post-36094745931707492492015-07-25T23:12:00.001-04:002015-07-26T09:13:04.403-04:00"Mommy, Which Mom is Your Real Mom?" When my Biological Children Ask my Adoptee Childhood Questions<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7W0X7_P8lPc/VbRHWcvf3tI/AAAAAAAAVHU/fR-z-EvEyoo/s1600/IMG_4705.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7W0X7_P8lPc/VbRHWcvf3tI/AAAAAAAAVHU/fR-z-EvEyoo/s320/IMG_4705.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
Recently, my elementary schooler caught me off-guard. "Mommy, which mom is your real mom? Nanny or Grammie?" He was referring to my original mother and my adoptive mother. My thoughts collided and jumbled at once. I had no idea where he had heard the iconic (to me) "real mom" phrase. I fervently try to teach my children that my mothers, and all the ways in which women mother, are valid and important. Maybe I just wasn't doing a good job. <em>Slow down, bring it back Amanda. This is not about you.</em> "Buddy, can you tell me what you mean?" I finally managed.<br />
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My children have never known what it is like to not have three sets of grandparents. "How did we get so lucky?" my son has said. <br />
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I too have never known what life is like without three sets of grandparents: my mom's parents (who were happily married for a bazillion years) my dad's father and step-mother, and my dad's mother and step-father.<br />
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I was in elementary school when my peers were old enough to reason that I wasn't endowed with extra grandparents through magic. It was their questions that would later trigger the quickening of my heartbeat when my son uttered the phrase "real mom."<br />
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"How do you have three sets of grandparents?" They'd ask.<br />
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"My dad's parents are divorced and re-married."<br />
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"Then you don't have three sets of grandparents. Your dad's mom and dad are his real parents."<br />
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You couldn't tell me my grandpa in Arizona and my grandma in Pennsylvania weren't "real." I could see them and touch them; they felt real. My love for them was real. It finally hit me that "real" meant "biologically related."<br />
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My next realization hit me in the stomach like a well-placed punch. <em>I'm not real.</em> I was not biologically related to anyone I consciously knew and recognized as family. People also told me that my biological parents weren't real because they didn't raise me. As <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Ghost-Sangju-A-Memoir-Reconciliation/dp/0988585871" target="_blank">SooJung Jo wrote in her memoir</a>, "I was just as related to everyone as I was to no one."<br />
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To me, conflicting messages about "real parents" ring reminiscent of old legal terms for <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=w_3FWD3JFocC&printsec=frontcover&dq=God's+Joust,+God's+Justice:+Law+and+Religion+in+the+Western+Tradition&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0CB4Q6AEwAGoVChMI5rzygeX3xgIVinU-Ch2eCgd0#v=onepage&q=God's%20Joust%2C%20God's%20Justice%3A%20Law%20and%20Religion%20in%20the%20Western%20Tradition&f=false" target="_blank">children of extra-marital birth</a>--<em>nullius filius</em> (child of no one) and <em>nullius populi</em> (child of everyone). An "illegitimate child" is "<a href="http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/illegitimate" target="_blank">not accepted by the law as rightful</a>."<br />
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We may think we have moved past the stigma of illegitimacy, but it seems we've only re-packaged it. Because, although the "real parent" concept in adoption intends to support the emotional need of adults to feel successful as parents, we continue to lose sight of whether our adult reasoning leaves room for the adopted child to feel real.<br />
<br />
Flash forward a few decades. The responsibility now rests on my shoulders to explain adoption to my children. As Nicole Chung expressed in <a href="http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/07/21/explaining-my-adoption-to-my-biological-daughter/?_r=0" target="_blank">her beautiful Motherlode piece</a>, I too worry that answering my little boys' questions about adoption gives them fears too big to hold. "Before I told her about my adoption, she never had reason to even consider what it would be like to be given up, or given to others," Chung wrote of her biological daughter. "Now she does."<br />
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At too young an age my son knows that every child's absolute worst fear--losing a parent, living without the care of a parent--isn't something simply safely explored in displacement through his favorite fairytales. You would think that being a children's therapist or having 30 years of a lived adoption experience would make it easier to explain adoption to my children. Yet the weight of my "unrealness" in our political and social environment sometimes suffocates me.<br />
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Working against me is a purity culture that condemns extra-marital sex and childbearing; a rape-culture that blames my mother for my conception and let my father off the hook; a culture of classism that questions the competence of impoverished parents; a racist and hetero-cis-normative culture that teaches my children to "other" families that do not look like theirs; an adoption culture that undervalues my connection to my roots; the fetishization of adoption in popular media; and a Christian Evangelical culture that hails one set of their grandparents as their mother's saviors and their other grandparent as someone their mother was "saved from."<br />
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I am tasked with offering developmentally appropriate reasoning as to why my sons will not lose me while taking care not to indict their Grammie for surrendering me or their grandparents for adopting me. I must emphatically embrace my own realness. I must give my children a voice in their hearts that pushes back messages of "unrealness" and leaves space for anyone they love to be real. <br />
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Above all, I must give them the confidence to always know that they too are <em>real</em>.<br />
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"I don't know." This was my son's answer to my haphazard response to his question. "You call them both 'mom,' but Nanny grew you and took care of you. That's just like you grew me and take care of me."<br />
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"Well, Nanny didn't grow me, remember?" I replied. "Grammie grew me and Nanny took care of me when I was growing up. Now Grammie and Nanny and Daddy's mom all look out for me and they all help take care of you."<br />
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"Oh," he donned a satisfied look. "I guess they're all real moms then."The Declassified Adopteehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.com