"Our Birthmother" and Other Stuff I Wish People Would Get

Since adoption deals with human beings, it has come to really suprise me over the years how insensitive people can be when talking about adoption and those involved.  Here are my on personal musings.

"Birth Mother"
Am I the only one who thinks it very impolite to call a woman considering adoption a "Birth Mother" (or even worse, push the two words together and make it a noun as "birthmother") when she hasn't relinquished?  The title "birth mother" can be a beautiful thing.  It acknowledges that you are the one who gave the child life.  You are the one who carried your child, birthed him or her and you are the one whose flesh and blood your child shares.  Using "birth mother" when a woman has not decided on adoption yet turns that word into "breeder."  You've already counted her out of her child's life.

Considering the fact that the term "birth mother" is so frequently abused or used to mean something rude, why not ask a birth mother what she prefers to be called?  Natural/First/Original are all alternatives that someone might prefer instead.

"Our Birth Mother"
I can't stand hearing adoptive parents say that.  She isn't "your family birth mother" and she isn't "YOUR birth mother."  She isn't a service that you used.  She is the birth mother of your child and your child alone.

"Adoptive Parents"
It bothers me when I see adoption agencies call couples who want to adopt "adoptive parents."  It is as if they're already parents based on the feeling of entitlement to a child somewhere out there.  I have no problem with adoptive parents who truly want to help a child in need (not a child helping parents in need of a child).  But the title of "parent" is special.  No one is entitled to a child; you are a parent only once you have one.  It bothers me when it feels like someone else automatically stakes a claim on children that aren't yet (or might not ever be) theirs.  We are human beings--not puppies you can reserve from a litter.

Perpetual Children
I think everyone would do well to only refer to an adoptee as a "child" if the adoptee is under the age of 18.  While I will always be the "child" of my parents for the rest of my life, the word "child" also defines age, ability to make decisions, maturity and competency.  Considering that the law in most states treats adoptees as perpetual children and society itself can never help from doing so as well, why not make it a point to change how you refer to us (or even yourself).  There is nothing wrong with using "daughter," "son," "adoptee," "adult adoptee" or "adult descendent" in place of "child," or "children" when referring to adult adoptees and issues that impact adult adoptees.

Lifetree: Corrections to Your Misunderstandings

My friend Jeni posted this page from this website called LifeTree and you know me, I can't help myself. LifeTree is in red, I am in blue.

Misunderstanding 1: A mother who really loves her child would never “give it up."
Adoption is a gift of love for your child in the most self-sacrificing way and a gift of life. Through adoption, you are not “giving up” your child; rather, you are giving up your parental rights. You are asking for someone else to look over your child, provide for your child, teach your child right from wrong, and guide your child through life. At Lifetree, we want you to feel comfortable with your decision for choosing adoption. We want you to be able to eventually feel good about your decision, and feel excited about the future you have given your child. To reach this decision exemplifies the greatest act of love. Let us help you prepare a Placement Plan that will reflect how much you truly love your child.

Correction: A society that really loves its women and children would not find it acceptable for a mother to be separated from her child due to socioeconomic status, lack of resources and single parenthood. A mother's love is so strong and self-sacrificing that a woman will do what it takes to ensure that her child is put first; as a society that loves its women and children does not make it a point to prey on this desire a mother has to convince her that she shouldn't parent.

Misunderstanding 2: No one can love my child as much as I can.
Adoptive Parents can love your child as though your child was biologically their own. At Lifetree, we know. Robin Stephenson, Co-Founder of Lifetree, is an adopted mom. There is no difference in the love she has for her adopted child compared to that of her biological children. Many Adoptive Parents have been on an infertility rollercoaster and their only hope of having a family or extending their family is through adoption. Adoptive Parents have been longing to be a mom and dad, and that desire grows stronger every day. This strong desire enables Adoptive Parents to unconditionally love and nurture your child by way of placing their needs before their own. Most adopted children can be classified as “spoiled” with love! (Read profiles of Waiting Adoptive Parents).

Correction: You can and never will know how someone else feels. Your feelings are unique to you and their feelings are unique to them. Infertility should not be a driving force behind why someone loves someone else. It is not an adopted child's job to make up for children that could not be had. It is not a fertile woman's job to make babies for women who cannot have them. Adoption should provide kids who need homes with homes--not parents who need kids with kids.

Misunderstanding 3: I will have emotional problems if I choose adoption and will never get over “giving up” my baby.
Unlike the emotional problems you will have if you choose to abort your child, adoption will provide you with the luxury of knowing your child is alive and happy, what your child will look like when he/she is older, and what educational and career path he/she will take. At Lifetree, we understand you will have a grieving period during your pregnancy and most likely after your delivery. That grieving period is normal and healthy to experience. It is a sign of your good mental health. No one expects you to stop feeling and grieving your loss, nor do we want you to forget about your child. At Lifetree, we are here to help you through your grieving process any way we can. We want you to remember your child in a positive way and reflect back on the reasons as to why you chose adoption for your child. At Lifetree, we will encourage you to make a Placement Plan that corresponds to the openness you desire. We want the Placement Plan to be one you can be comfortable with for the rest of your life, and hopefully, without regrets. You have God on your side, and if you ask God for His help, He will indeed help you through any emotional problem that arises in your life. He loves you and also wants what is best for you and your life…for you are His child.

Correction: There is little correlation between abortion and adoption and I wish people would stop using the stigmas against abortion to influence a mother who is considering adoption's feelings. Even Bethany Christian Services will tell you that. A woman who considers adoption and is willing to continue a pregnancy has already decided abortion is not for her. Throwing it in her face, in my opinion, is emotional manipulation. Being separated from your child is not healthy. It is not something you "get over." Openness in adoption, for the most part, is not legally enforceable--relinquishment should not be decided upon because you think you'll get to see your child grow up because it doesn't always happen. Please leave God out of this; I know God. Severing women from their children is not something I think is really up his alley. Ruth, Esther, Rahab, Hannah, Moses and even Jesus--all individuals--adoptees, promiscuous women, infertile women etc.--whom society would deem as deviant yet God honors.

Misunderstanding 4: Adoption is an irresponsible solution to my unplanned pregnancy.
Actually, adoption is a responsible solution to your unplanned pregnancy. You are taking a stance and saying, “I am not ready to be a mom at this time in my life.” You are now in the chapter of your life entitled, “I am pregnant and don’t know what to do.” You are facing a lot of uncertainties at this time and you are probably looking for a solution. A responsible person understands there are choices to be carefully looked at, and the choice you accept will be your solution. You would not be irresponsible by placing your baby for adoption; rather, it reflects a higher level of maturity. That you are a responsible person who is making a plan for your child’s future. At Lifetree, we want you to know all your choices and feel comfortable with the solution you have selected.

Correction: Birth mothers ARE mothers. A woman who gives birth IS a mom, even if she chooses not to parent so "not being ready to be a mom" doesn't equate in this situation. She is a mom with an entitlement to her child. A responsible society would help her see the options she has to parent--not preemptively reach her while she's pregnant and insecure (all pregnant women have natural insecurities about parenting) and convince her how "mature" and "responsible" she would be if she gave her baby away.

Misunderstanding 5: I will eventually forget about my child after my child has been placed for adoption
Some Birthmothers have said that placing a child for adoption is like experiencing a loss of a loved one. A Birthmother never forgets that sense of loss. You may put this chapter in your life behind you and continue on with life, but you will never forget about your child. If you ask a woman who has had a miscarriage, or experienced the death of her child, if she ever thinks about that child, she will say “Yes, I do think about my child and I always wonder what might have been.” Is it not great for you to know your child is alive and well!

At Lifetree, after deciding on placing your child for adoption, it is our desire that you have a healthy recovery before, during and after birth. At Lifetree, we know that it will be hard saying “goodbye” to your baby, but realize the comfort in knowing about your child as he/she grows older and matures into a fine young man or woman. We are here for you at any time…during your time with us as one of our special Birthmothers, and afterwards as you start living your life again and making your mark in the world. We don’t want you to forget about the precious gift you gave to another family. We want you to remember your child in a positive way and reflect back on why you chose adoption for your child.

Correction: Well, they're right about one thing: Birth mothers never forget. But what about the birth mothers whose "open" adoptions are later closed by adoptive parents? What do you say to that birth mother who mourns in front of the TV screen every time she hears about something horrible happening to an adopted child because she has no way of knowing it is HER child? Please don't call women "OUR" birth mother. That's demeaning.

Misunderstanding 6: Once I place my child for adoption, I will never know what happens to my child at birth and in the following years.
In past years, adoption was this “big secret.” The Birthmother would have a child and the child would be taken immediately away from the Birthmother without the Birthmother ever knowing the sex of her child, her child’s health status, and who adopted her child. At Lifetree, you get to make a Placement Plan that is right for you. You can specify your desire of knowing the sex of your child before your child is born, and determine how much time you want to spend with your child. At Lifetree, you can choose the adoptive family you want to adopt your child, and decide on the level of contact you desire before and after placement. You may elect to receive photographs of your child, or lean towards a more open adoption which allows you to visit with your child and the adoptive parents in a neutral setting. The choice is yours.

Correction: Did we forget the part about "open" adoptions not being legally enforceable with many being closed within the first few years due to the whims of adoptive parents?

Misunderstanding 7: All adopted children grow up to have serious psychological problems.
In the past, adoption was supposed to be this “big shameful secret” among family and friends. No one discussed it and no one would tell the child he/she was adopted. As the child grew older and the adoption was made known, every truth that the child has known becomes open to question. This adolescent immediately feels a sense of loss and discouragement. At Lifetree, we encourage our adoptive families to be open and honest about adoption. We will explain the benefits of being honest about adoption with their adopted child at a very early age. Encouragingly the child will know that being adopted is a beautiful thing. Discussing their adoption story with their child will allow him/her to grow with secure roots and an awareness of being loved.

Correction: Adoptees who were told the truth their entire lives still feel loss. We've still experienced the trauma of being separated from the woman who carried us for 9 months and the rhythm of the heartbeat we had grown so accustomed to falling asleep in comfort to. I think LifeTree would do well to actually look into empirical research about this topic before assuming adoptees do not suffer from any related psychological illness simply because goody! we get to be told the truth now.

Misunderstanding 8: My child really doesn’t need a father.

Children who are raised in a home full of love from two parents will most likely excel in most areas of their life. When a father is present and actively involves himself in the adopted child’s life, that child will have a healthy foundation for future relationships that involve men; such as a future husband and father. Furthermore, a father who is a loving and devoted husband will pass down an important component on the making of a healthy marriage. This will form a progression of healthy relationships for that child in every part of their life.

Correction: May I ask that you cite your empirical source? While there are benefits to a child living in a two-parent home, this paragraph basically states that all single mothers are unfit. A woman who is willing to parent does not need to be coerced otherwise based on the fact that she may do so alone. Why not offer her help and support instead?

What does this all say to me? This says to me that this is yet another group that correlates abortion too heavily with adoption. It's an attempt to encourage a woman to give birth, possible under false pretenses of what to expect from adoption, because the "lesser evil" to her and her child's emotional trauma is an aborted baby. What they fail to understand is that a woman who continues her pregnancy and looks for adoption/support has already ruled abortion out as an option for herself. You're not "saving" her baby from abortion by manipulating her into adoption--you're convincing her to separate herself from a child she might have otherwise decided to keep.

Adoption should be about pairing kids who need homes with homes, not pairing parents who need kids with kids. The child of a pregnant woman already has a mother.

Photo from Free Christ Images.  "Discovery of Baby Moses" by Paul Delaroche 1828

2007 HHS "Study" on Adopted Children

This is the report of a study done by the U.S. Health and Human Services Department in 2007 on the wellbeing of adopted children in America.  It comes completely from the perspective of adoptive parents--not the children themselves--not the adult adoptees looking back on their own childhoods.  As adoptees are already very rarely heard, I can tell you that I'm a little dissapointed in much of this study and the style in which it was conducted.  Don't you think people who have actually experienced adoption should be speaking for themselves instead of those who have gained from adoption and have an interest in keeping it a positive institution?

Please go to the NY Times Blog and share your thoughts.

Thou Shalt Not Lie: Follow Your Own Rule Book

I was yet again visiting the online support group for moms that sometimes makes my blood pressure rise. Why I do this to myself, I'll never know. Anyway, there was a big hoopla over the fact that some Catholic and other Christian hospitals will not allow the prescribing of birth control or routine procedures that would cause a man or woman not to be able to produce children due to religious views. I agreed that it was ridiculous, however, I defended their right as private institutions to offer whatever services they were comfortable with--just as it is my right to bring my business somewhere else when I disagree with it.

That then reminded me of a recent story in the Washington Post where the Washington Archdiocese threatened to stop providing its charitable services if the gay marriage initiatives passed and homosexual marriages performed in other states became legally recognized in The District. "The city is saying in order to provide social services, you need to be secular. For us, that's really a problem" Susan Gibbs stated for the Washington Post. No Susan, no one asked you to be secular. It's interesting how your religious value tells you not to extend insurance benefits to homosexuals but the Bible tells ALL people guilty of sin--any sin---to put away their stones. I've noticed that religious values expected to be held up in law are incomplete. They contain all of the harshness and shame that can go along with fundamentalism but lack the grace, peace, forgiveness and love--one of the two GREATEST commandments.

          "LOVE"

At any rate, according to the Washington D.C. Catholic Archdiocese, the "lesser evil" to having to provide insurance benefits to an individual who is homosexual is to cut off services to 68,000 people, abandon 1/3 of the homeless population and pull $10 million in charitable funding from the city.

That got me thinking about the religious adoption agencies and other religiously-affiliated entities that oppose the legalizing of an adoptee's right to access his or her own birth certificate. If one's religious values about homosexuality are so strong that it is worthy of cutting of services to 68,000 and abandon 1/3 of the homeless in order to uphold a religious value--why not be that way about ALL religious values? TRUTH is what I'm getting at here.

              "TRUTH"

Let's look at the word truth in the Bible (I'll use the KJV here). In the Bible, the word "truth" occurs 237 times in 224 separate verses. There are only 12 verses that relate to Homosexuality (two to forced-relations i.e. rape, 5 to cult prostitution, 1 to both cult prostitution and pederasty and 4 others are widely debated as to their actual meanings and proper interpretation). Why is it OK to cut off millions of dollars in funding to social welfare programs based on what you glean from 12 verses in the Bible.....but not be equally as cut-throat when it comes to truth telling which is something the Bible directly speaks about hundreds of times?

"Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator." Colossians 3"9-10

The 7 Deadly Sins / Cardinal Sins / Capital Vices:
"There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers." Proverbs 6:16-19

From the 10 Commandments:
“You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor." Exodus 20:16

You get my point. So when practice in adoption isn't truthful, why aren't countless organizations taking a stand and saying "we're abandoning our posts if we can't have truthfulness in adoption and post-adoption practice!" ?? What am I talking about?......

"live birth"

Amended Birth Certificates:
If you know that an adopted child's birth certificate is going to end up amended, why would you support something that leads to that practice? An Amended Birth Certificate is a lie. My adoptive parents did NOT give "live birth" as the certificate says. Many ABCs have altered dates and places of birth as well. The certificate does not indicate anywhere on it that it is not original. It is entirely possible, due to the ABC, to go your entire life never knowing the truth about your origins.

Promises of anonymity:
Anonymity is not a "right" and cannot be guaranteed.  Anonymity and secrecy are forced on a natural mother by the state--is it NOT an option able to be chosen or recorded at birth.  When so many natural mothers are coming out of hiding saying "I didn't want anonymity, I never said I did--please help me find my family!" why aren't you listening? Why aren't you restoring truth?

The treatment of natural mothers:
If truth is so important, why do so many natural mothers consistently claim to have been coerced? Why is it that with more pregnancy counseling with a social worker from an agency that handles adoptions a woman has, the more likely she is to relinquish her baby (Chippendale & Baker, 1996)? Why are natural mothers allowed and encouraged to relinquish their children due to promises of openness and communication when openness is not legally enforceable?

Adoptee rights and blocking the truth:
 If truth is so important, why lobby against the restoration of access of adoptees to their own original birth certificates? What is so bad that not knowing the truth is the "lesser evil" to what you don't want us to know about ourselves? Why do you make claims that adult access to valid proof of birth increases abortions when there is no research or statistical basis for it?

I could go on.

What I'd like to see is religious organizations as passionate about truth as they are about other things. Or is the truth the "lesser evil" to maintaining a $3 billion per year industry? What would Jesus say about that?


(Image: "Christ and Mary Magdalene" Albert Edelfelt 1890; http://freechristimages.org/).