When Being Adopted Really Isn't Relevant

I spend a considerable amount of time on my blog explaining the ways that adoption and being adopted are, or can very validly be, relevant in a person's life.  This is not to portray the idea that adoption is always at the root of every action and emotion a person ever has.  No, rather, it is to combat the general societal opinion that adoption can't matter and is always irrelevant that I offer considerations otherwise.  So you might be shocked that I would write something about when adoption really isn't relevant but I think you'll see where I'm going if you keep reading.  There are times when I bristle when people mention someones adoptedness and other times when I don't and I feel like I can now explain why there's a difference in my reaction and perhaps ask if others reading this feel the same way.  This isn't a post about discrediting how someone may or may not feel adoption has been relevant or irrelevant in their life.  This is a post about language and being aware of what we're implying, the concepts and ideas we are condoning, when we speak---perhaps even without knowing it.

I thought of several vignettes of conversations I've heard to demonstrate what I mean:

"I was dealing with a customer at my store, an Asian girl, who was very picky.  She kept nit-picking and nit-picking and caring way too much about what colors were on the shirts she was considering buying.  I was so annoyed at her."

"This Black woman was at the cash register using her EBT card to buy all sorts of candy and name-brand products.  No wonder they have money problems if they don't know to buy bargain brands when they're poor and now my tax dollars are going for her to be able to buy nicer brands than I buy for myself!"

"There's this gay guy at my job who is always picking ridiculous arguments with co-workers and being hysterically upset about the littlest things.  I've never seen someone be so dramatic."

"My neighbor got upset and kicked her trashcan the entire length of her driveway this morning.  She must be bi-polar or something."

"I have friends who have an adopted son who has really bad behavioral problems.  He's always acting up in school and really seems like a complete basket case."

Let's set aside for a moment that none of these things are particularly nice to say anyway....

What I'm trying to emphasize here is what happens when one bit of information about a person that's not really relevant to the conversation at hand, gets singled out in what is said.  Why was it important for me to know that the annoying, nit-picky customer is Asian except if the person meant for me to somehow understand that they were being annoying because they are Asian?  Why was it important for me to know nothing else about someone except that they are a woman and that they are Black when telling me a story about what they used their EBT card for (I bristle at comments like that in-general anyway) unless it's relevant, meaning, somehow the person is using their EBT card for things someone doesn't approve of and has money issues because they are Black.  Why does it matter if someones overly-dramatic co-worker is a gay man unless there's supposed to be some understood agreement between the talker and listener that him being gay explains the story or explains his actions and behavior.  Likewise for the allegedly bi-polar neighbor.  Does she being bi-polar give me some sort of extra understanding of why she irrationally kicked her trashcan down her driveway?  Perhaps she is bi-polar and she wasn't having a manic or depressive episode at all.  Maybe she was just having a bad day and felt like kicking her trashcan?

But the words are already out.  It's been injected, absorbed, and accepted in the conversation now, without even realizing it, that her seemingly irrational reactions are explained by her bi-polar disorder.

Here's where I really don't want to hear if someone is adopted or not.

Unless they're suggesting that being adopted is exactly why their friend's son misbehaves, why is mentioning his adoptedness, of all things and nothing else about him, relevant?  Can adoptees have behavioral problems?  Absolutely.  Can adoption-related issues be relevant as to why someone may have a behavioral problem?  I think there have been enough experts to agree that, yes, this is a possibility.  However, this vignette mentioned wasn't about the impact of adoption-related losses on children with sensitive discussion in a purposeful direction.  It was a conversation about "bratty" kids where someone who happened to know a "bratty" kid chimed in and happened to mention in doing so that the kid is an adoptee.  For all we know, the kid isn't really "bratty" at all, the adult describing them is just rude.  But the words are already out and, stereotypically, lead everyone listening to believe that being adopted is automatically relevant and explains why they behave the way that they do.

In my humble opinion, there is a time and a place to mention someone being adopted.  I'm not talking about hiding it in shame, playing the "as if born to," denying the reality of how someone came into a family, or promoting erasure or "colorblindness" here.  I am talking about mentioning it when it is relevant and hopefully, in an adoptee-directed way, meaning, the adoptee is in charge of when and how it is shared.  I like it when people enter into discussion about being adopted and adoption in general, when people question the institution, and challenge their perceptions and assumptions.  But if someone is speaking negatively of, making fun of, expressing their annoyance at, or disclosing all of the problems someone else has in casual conversation--here is one very clear instance that no one really needs to hear that they're adopted.  If it's not relevant to why you don't like them or approve of what they're doing, why mention it?  Why perpetuate the stigma?

Photo credit: Stuart Miles