The Declassified Adoptee

Warning! There are spoilers for episodes 1 and 2 of The Queen's Gambit ahead. These episodes also contain sensitive content including: death, adoption, substance use, orphanage life, racism, sexism, mental illness, & suicide. There is a need for deeper discussion that includes the adopted identity of the main character of this hit Nextflix series. After watching the first two episodes (thus far) as an adult adoptee and clinician, I developed a series of questions for individual use or to stimulate conversations in families and clubs gathered to discuss the episodes. These questions guide developmentally, historically, culturally, and adoption-sensitive dialogue about episodes 1 & 2 of The Queen’s Gambit on Netflix. They are intended for individuals 16 and older. Question One: How might our brief glimpse into Beth’s first mother’s seemingly tormented mindset and her published book (as a PhD) in mathematics inform us about Beth’s own mental health and mathematical gifts? Ques...

I have been looking for a compact mirror to keep in my bag. I was tickled to find this one in my (adoptive) mother’s belongings. I’m not sure where she got it. It has her name engraved on the front. It reminds of me one of the foundational concepts I impart to some families when we first start our work together. We are our children’s mirrors. What we reflect back to a child about who they are will become what they believe to be true about themselves. If we are frequently annoyed by a child and are not self-aware of how this impacts our tone, messages, and body language, they may learn “I am an annoying person.” “I am a person who makes others angry a lot.” “I am hard to love.” “I am unpleasant to listen to.” “I am a disappointment.” “I am a troublemaker.” Internalized self-concepts like these don’t give children insight that their behavior could change. It doesn’t give them a drive to try to do something different. These are resignations to a fate within which they feel perpetually tr...

Content Warning: birth, birth trauma, separation, infertility, brief mentions of sexual assault. It was the early spring of 1985 when a 13 year old girl stepped off an airplane. Seven months pregnant, she had arrived to what was now her new home. Her sister lived here, in Tennessee. And she had flown well over 1,000 miles to her sister the moment her mother discovered she was pregnant. It is hard to imagine the thoughts that must have gone through her sister's mind, 14 years her senior, as she greeted her at the gate. The young teen carried with her only two maternity outfits and a few sample size toiletries. She had a story to tell, and her big sister would be the first to hear about it. I was part of this story. But it would take 25 years for me to hear it. This is the story of where I came from, and of how I got here. On this earth. I have written and re-written, published and un-published, this story multiple times. I was not finished with the blog post I wanted to publish toda...

In an effort to make my work more accessible on more platforms to more ages and media preferences, I can be found on YouTube and at my new podcast. My podcast focuses on providing a video version of new blog posts. And my YouTube vlogs focuses on updating topics I may have already written about and telling the stories about the time in history when I originally wrote on a topic. I hope to post a vlog every Tuesday. I will try my best. This week's vlog revisited an old post of mine from 2013 entitled, " How to Read an Adoptee Blog Without Getting Offended ." I discussed why I would no longer word the title of this topic that way. I revisited the original tips I gave with new information and examples. And I discuss an additional tip about how to value and appraise adoptees for their full humanity and not just for their parenting advice. If you liked this vlog, please comment, "like," and subscribe at YouTube. It really helps me out. To see daily updates and insigh...