The Declassified Adoptee

I am always posting about how disheartened that I am with the media's portrayal of adoptees.  My biggest bone to pick has always been that the media goes beyond accurate portrayal of adoption or telling of an event involving adoption, and into enforcing damaging stereotypes of the actual people who live adoption every day.  Adoption is an institution; we should be able to discuss it without portraying unhealthy and condemning views of entire groups of people. My most recent annoyance with this issue was the Sony commercial where a gentleman playing a woman's father growled "you're adopted!" at her to try to distract her from dominating the game the family was playing.  Another recent appearance of adoption in the media was the reporting of an adoptee who was adopted from Mexico that various media sources used to bring up the topic of deportation. The 2009 study I just read reviewed news stories on adoption from 2001 to 2005 (309 stories).  They researched t...

I am continuing to read a book I have referenced here on my blog several times,"The Sins of the Fathers: The Law and Theology of Illegitimacy Reconsidered."  It is a information-packed read, but one I would recommend to anyone who wants to learn more about adoption history.  The book is not about adoption; it is about the history of church views on illegitimacy vs. the state's views of illegitimacy, as they would pertain to the formation of the view of illegitimacy held in the United States.  Witte covers Biblical views of illegitimacy, Roman Law, church law, English Law, and more, and how church and state views have intertwined throughout history. Why is it a good tool in understanding the history of adoption?  The categorization of both legitimate and illegitimate individuals and thus the resulting disbursement of inheritance, as well as the consequences dealt to the parents and the resulting children, in addition to the lack of support for those in n...

Introducing: December's Online Art Exhibit.  This is the first entry of a series of entries I am going to (attempt) to do monthly, featuring an artist who has been impacted by adoption. Carlynne Hershberger Carlynne Hershberger is an artist, teacher, author, blogger, and First Mother. You may be familiar with her blog " One Option Means No Choice ."  She has given me permission to share some of the amazing adoption-related pieces she has done so far for her series "Silent Voices" (working title).  Carlynne creates these masterpieces using colored pencil as well as a variety of other media.  Please enjoy browsing some of her amazing artwork.  The descriptions below each image are written by Carlynne about each piece. Self Portrait This piece was the one that got me thinking about doing a series about adoption. I did a sketch for this years ago but just in recent years did it in color. When someone goes through abuse or a trauma like the na...

I am thinking about the post I made yesterday and about BJ Lifton's quote that I incorporated.  She wrote about an adopted person's two selves.  The self one is the adopted self and the other self is what might have been if they had not been adopted.  Some adoptees wonder what it would have been like to have been raised by their original family.  They may do so based on scant information or misinformation.  Reunion presents a challenge of piecing together what you thought you knew and what you know now.  Then you must decide how that fits into the story of your life.  Do I have these two selves; if so, what do they look like? There are some things I am sure would be the same about me had I not been adopted.  I think no matter where I was raised I would have been a passionate, people-loving person.  I like to think I would always believe in hard work and do what I believe is right.  I would still rely on the...

This week, I read an article by BJ Lifton called "Ghosts in the Adopted Family."  It is about therapists being aware of the invisible grief and loss that those clients impacted by adoption carry with them.  It was published in the Jan/Feb issue of Psychoanalytic Inquiry. The portion I'd like to quote is from the conclusion of her article: "Those adoptees already in Reunion need help in integrating their two selves—the one who grew up adopted and the alternate one who might have been" (Lifton, 2010, p. 8). I have heard adoptees talk about their "Selves," the Self on their adopted path, and the Self as they might have been had they been raised by their biological families.  When you're not reunited and have no one to ask questions to about your original family or are only going by what the agency passed along, filling in the blanks can be difficult.  Some adoptees might not think about it.  Other adoptees might fill in the blanks with t...

In school, we talk a lot about the privileges that come along with being a part of the majority.  Whether it be the  majority gender, race, religion, so on and so forth, where there are more people, other people tend to get out-voted.  Their needs might not be considered, and others, well, they simply aren't very well represented.  Which, in turn, can make things in law and society, very unfair for minority groups.  We're asked to reflect on issues and think about how others feel, how others experience difficulty with things that we never would have thought about because we don't have the same experience. Adoptees, 2% of people, are often asked by others to ponder how their lives "could have been."  "Your mother could have harmed or abused you, you could have grown up poor and your parents took you in."  This is a basic assertion that the adoptee now lives a life of privilege because of adoption.  And perhaps, economically...

I recently read a study from 1984 that focused on opening birth records in New York.  I like to read articles from the past because it shows me the reasoning behind why things are the way that they are and the reform efforts through history.  This study is no exception.  Interviewed were 42 adoptive parents on their perceptions of opening up birth record access to adult adoptees. Why were Adoptive Parents being asked? Per the literature review and historical overview in the article: "Confidentiality has been the traditional hallmark of adoptions carried out by social agencies.  Social Workers and adoptive parents were influential in promoting legislation in the 1930s and 1940s to insure this policy through legal means.  In 1939 "about one third of the states provided for safeguarding the records of adoption from public inspection, and nearly one third made no mention of keeping the records at all' (study's author is quoting Brooks ...

My husband asked me a question today.  He wanted to know, which is more important: avoiding hurting people's feelings or blogging your truth? I thought about it.   People are always the most important . But we're not really talking about blogging being more important than people here, in my opinion.  We're talking about being able to express how I really think and feel.  And not saying your thoughts and feelings to avoid the possibility that others might misunderstand is not exclusive to blogging: I wouldn't be able to say my thoughts and feelings in-person, in email, or on the phone either.  I think the question is "which is more important, talking about your feelings or not talking about your feelings so that no one else could possibly misinterpret it and have their feelings hurt?" Is being honest not important? There may come a time when I blog something that might unintentionally hurt someone's feelings.  My experience being bulli...

It is two days after Thanksgiving and my parents are still here visiting.  We were sitting in the living room, watching TV.  Well, they were.  I was watching the pictures flip through my digital photo frame my dad got me.  I have seen those pictures a million times but I still love looking at them.  One picture in particular caught my eye.  I was holding my son, sitting with my head turned to the side.  You could see my scar; the one from the tumor (benign) surgery. I suppose I am not used to seeing the scar down the side of my neck and face because the surgeon specifically made the large incision to follow the curves of my neck and face so that it is not apparent when looking at me or talking to me.  But there's no hiding it when my neck is turned to the side. My scar always makes me think.  It makes me remember how this one experience in my health care made me reflect on all of the, at-the-time, adoption-related unknowns in ...

I think it's so important to learn about history, especially the history of something that I personally am connected with.  Seeing what happened in the past helps us evaluate the present and make changes for the future.  No more interesting to me is the history of OBC access as well as the history of openness in adoption.  These histories are not widely known; I would hazard to say that they're not even widely known within the larger adoption community.  OBCs (Original Birth Certificates) The groups that oppose OBC access rely on two main tactics to do so: (1) adoption stereotypes and (2) selective representation of adoption history, where the history of "Confidential Adoptions" is intertwined (or one in the same) as the history of records access.  The current view by many of these groups is that confidential adoption, which included the sealing of the OBC, was preferable because it allowed an original mother to live her life free of the stigma of unwe...

Words can hurt, can't they?  It doesn't matter what movement you are a part of, people who are resistant to change or who lack empathy can say really hurtful or dismissing things.  After a while, these things take their toll.  It's helpful to keep some simple truths at hand to uplift your spirits. What people with privilege say to oppressed people: "You're just having a pity party for yourself." Or....maybe because they have a unique experience, they choose to speak from it so that others can learn and understand what the needs of their group are? "You're just looking for things to be insulted by." Or...maybe there is a difference between looking for things to be insulted by and standing up for yourself when something is oppressive to you? "You just want to tell people what to say and not to say." Or....maybe that's just another way of saying that you're not willing to make the effort to refer to others in a way tha...

As some of you may already know, BJ Lifton (Betty Jean Lifton) passed away on November 19, 2010. Lifton was an Adult Adoptee, an Adoptee Rights Advocate, a Psychologist, a therapist, a lecturer, and an esteemed author.  She wrote many books and professional journal articles.  Lifton spoke out about the complexities of being adopted during a time where adoptees rarely did such a thing.  Because of her and many others, we have increased awareness of the many issues surrounding adoption and an improving societal atmosphere to discuss them in. When adoptees and Adoptee Rights Reformers were criticized, Lifton took a stand for us. Her books include: Twice Born, Memoirs of an Adopted Daughter Lost and Found, the Adoption Experience Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness ...among other books and articles. Lifton also had a website and a blog that I encourage you to check out. I was only ever able to speak with her a few times when she em...

National Adoption Day is a day where courts across the United States finalize adoptions from the public foster care system.  It is often a day (and November the entire month) where adoption in-general is celebrated and promoted.  I am not a fan of this because: (1) adoption encompasses a great deal of individuals, not all who feel celebration is appropriate or fits their experience in adoption; (2) NAAM and National Adoption day is about promoting the needs of children in foster and the focus on their needs is where the attention should lie; and (3) adoption policy is far behind the advancements adoption has made. This post will be short; I don't have a lot to say (imagine that!) but what I think people could use today to focus on would be: What are the rights and needs of children, mothers, and families?  How can we serve their needs best ? You do not need to erase a person's past and issue altered birth documentation to give them a home.  Let's...

In the community that I grew up in, there were a lot of stereotypes about unwed mothers and adoption.  In my journey, I've noticed that there are a lot of adoptees who encountered those same stereotypes and there are some who have not.  Of course, the people I've met are not necessarily a representation of what  the majority of adoptees think, it does provide me with insight as to what stereotypes and issues adoptees may encounter. I recently read one adult adoptee's amazing blog about the struggles of being adopted.  Somewhere in the comments section, it was suggested to him that his adoptive family would be offended by his feelings.  Later, someone suggested that his original mother would be offended of his adoption-specific feelings of ambivalence. I think part of the disconnect is that some people may not be recognizing that adoptees have their own experience within adoption.  We are not merely an addition to someone elses' experience in adoption....

When I reunited, I was embraced by the entirety of my maternal original family.  Waiting for me on the paternal side, was one aunt.  I also have met one paternal cousin.  My aunt is a wonderful woman.  I have a paternal brother who had spent the entirety of my life thus far convincing himself that I did not exist.  Well, not that I didn't exist as a person, but that I was not his sister. The first letter I got from my original mother from the intermediary I can remember reading about the two maternal brothers I have. I have brothers! Growing up an only child.  I was thrilled to find out that I have not one, not two, but three brothers. My aunt gave me my brother's email address and gave him mine.  She badly wanted us to connect.  I emailed him and waited.  A few weeks later, he emailed me back.  It was a "it's not you, it's me" type email about how he didn't want to get to know one another. He was very kind and I d...

I can't help but read/hear quite often the "I know an adoptee who is 'fine' so why aren't you?" answer to an adoptee expressing that something offended them or when they attempt to offer a different perspective on something someone else is saying.  This dismissive response just makes me chuckle to myself any more, because the more adoptees I meet and talk to, the more ridiculous it sounds to me. The reason being, we are so absolutely diverse . We are domestic adoptees, infant adoptees, foster adoptees, step-parent adoptees, tribal/customary adoptees, kinship adoptees, transracial adoptees, and we are adoptees from all over the world and residing in countries all over the world.  Sometimes we are a combination of those things (I am sure I missed some). What our experience in adoption was like can also widely vary.  Some of us know/knew nothing of our original identities and families.  Some of us were raised by at least one natural parent.  Some of us...

Lately I've been seeing a lot of blogs about orphans.  A lot of them are Christian blogs, talking about how God loves adoption and how he calls us to help the orphans.  And thus, they are considering adoption for those reasons.  I've been thinking about this.   I do not believe that modern, physical adoption in any way mirrors spiritual adoption .  However, God does indeed tell us to care for the orphan. The orphan and the widow. When thou cuttest down thine harvest in thy field, and hast forgot a sheaf in the field, thou shalt not go again to fetch it: it shall be for the stranger, for the fatherless , and for the widow: that the LORD thy God may bless thee in all the work of thine hands (Deuteronomy 24:19). In the Old Testament, provisions were made as a sort of Social Welfare program, to provide for families who had no male to provide for them (e.g. mothers and their children) as well as sojourners and strangers.  Women in that time could not ...

There were so many other bloggers covering Grayson's case that I didn't make mention of it on my blog yet; I read what they wrote and didn't have much to add.  But some things I have read and heard, such as in news articles, words spoken by anchors themselves, in the comments sections of news articles, topped with recently reading one adoptee blogger's summation of Grayson's case have left me wanting to make a brief posting of my own. What bothers me is the devaluing of a father's constitutional right to nurture a child that he fathered because he has less of what society values---money. It makes me sad to hear some adoptees chiming in that they are so glad their original family didn't raise them and then apply it to another adoptee's story.  As if Grayson's father cannot love him or care for him as much as an Adoptive Family could because when adoption is involved, the taboo is always directed at the original family and everything we can ...

I remember when my son was born.  After 2.5 hours of pushing I was nearly exhausted.  It didn't help that my doctor was absolutely gorgeous and my nurse was a stunning vision of Jennifer Love Hewitt without one hair or a bit of makeup out of place, while I lay there feeling tired and sweaty in my thin hospital gown.  When he was delivered and placed on my chest, I remember my mind doing some sort of mom gymnastics.  I was loving him, amazed by him, and glancing over every part of him to make sure he was OK while bursting into a sudden realization of what motherhood is.  I couldn't help but notice that when he opened his mouth to cry, something seemed odd with his tongue.  I felt concerned yet simultaneously ashamed of myself for noticing that something seemed not-quite-right with this perfect child.  I just wanted to know he would be OK. I asked about it but the nurses didn't seem concerned.  They were busy making other arrangements to tr...